Ashamed of having chemical imbalance

[Alel]

I got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I'm also dealing with agoraphobia and emetophobia. 

Everytime I think about it I feel broken. 

I know when the medication works and I learn coping skills, everything is going to get better.

But I can't stop feeling ashamed of what I went through and having to take medication. 

The fact that I have a broken brain and need to do more to make sure I don't break compared to normal people is the worst. 

I feel so different and tired. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If you stand in a shopping centre and watch say 100 people walk by... how many are "normal" health wise. In most cases "normal" means having some form of health problem. 

So accepting our illness is one of the most important challenges we can overcome. We can put it into perspective. eg in the morning I take 8 tablets for various illness both mental and physical. I used to worry about taking so many. Then a doctor said "well if you have to take one tablet for blood pressure what is the difference in taking 8"? It's all taken at the same time just more.

Shame over mental illnesses was more common decades ago so it is a little unusual for you to focus on that in these days but I'm 67yo so I do understand. Guilt however does annoy us and it isnt healthy having it.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

I said to a friend once "you're more healthier than me" he replied- "you dont know". Turned out he was secretly diagnosed with cancer and eventually recovered. His wife told me. A good percentage have illness they dont share.

What we need to do is reassess our lives to accommodate our illnesses to the best of our ability. Eg I had much stress and anxiety when younger (I'm 67yo). Eventually I realised I needed to moved to the country which improved my life in a huge way. Then I realised I had members of my family that were narcissistic. I had to remove them from my life forever. Then 10 years ago I found I could no longer run my small business and in fact had psychotic episodes so had to give up work. All these changes allowed me to hang on to my life better and reduce the stress and depression. I'm much more stable now.

Your illnesses make you different only because we are all individuals. But we are also the same in that it is kind of normal to not be perfect.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[Alel]

I find it hard to believe that I'll be able to handle all this and be capable enough to gain the coping skills for myself. 

I've tried when I was younger, and some how I would always fall back into the same habits and coping mechanisms. Such as sitting on my phone for more than 12 hours everyday.

I just feel like I'm incapable of having life skills. I struggle to shower, cook, go out, speak right, ect ect. Just basic life skills I can't do. 

I'm afraid that there is smth so wrong with me, that I'll never be able to learn or adapt into the right skills for me and always struggle with the same things over and over. Until I eventually go insane (which is a massive fear of mine) 

[white knight]

Getting self confidence isnt easy for sure. It's a process involving many things eg finding ways to motivate, reducing toxic people in your life that put you down but also knowing what ill effects mental illness can do to us.

I noticed you said "speak right". I would so many times in my life put "foot in mouth" and say something that angered others. I then found that it is common among some people with mental health issues especially ADHD and Bipolar. Once you identify a specific problem like that then you can pinpoint how you can make changes to benefit you. Eg, without becoming a hermit you might reduce places that have crowds, parties for example. You might seek out a quieter more understanding person to date than a person with no empathy. 

Mental illness can stunt our maturity. Emotions can be years behind. When I joined the AirForce at 17yo emotionally I was like 12yo. All the tests the RAAF put me through couldnt have seen that coming. At 30yo I was like 20yo even though I was a prison officer at 21yo. I could do those jobs but was highly emotional when alone.

There is no doubt you need some sort of therapy to sort out the restrictions you have and flourish. You cant expect to be capable to do it all alone. This forum would be good for you ongoing and you can post questions here or new posts if the topic if different, they will come up on our screen and I/we can answer them. So post away. But yes, visit your GP and ask for therapy if you havent got any.

Posting here is a good step. Well done, be proud.

I feel you are being harsh on yourself. There is a thread that might help with a wonderful helpful guy that started it up-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome/td-p...

You can just post there.  

TonyWK