Ashamed, middle aged, feeling at rock bottom

Mayfreed · ‎05-05-2019

I am 46 and have long dealt with depression and anxiety, I have been separated for 2 and a half years now and have been managing well, I have a good job I enjoy although am quite a bit older than my colleagues, and although they are lovely this can feel very isolating at times. I thought I was doing better after my separation and have been on a couple of dating sites but remove myself shortly afterwards because it is a blow to my self esteem. Last night I went out with some drinks with a friend and ended up inviting a man in his 20s who I had been chatting to on a dating site to my apartment. I thought it was flattering for someone to tell me I am sexy. I ended up having sex with this much younger person who I don’t even know, which is out of character for me, my little apartment has been my sanctuary since my separation and I don’t let many people in here, which is why I feel so ridiculous and bereft. I know this person is not unsafe and have respectfully asked that he does not contact me again. I feel like a pathetic, middle age woman and I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t want to leave my apartment today, I don’t want the world to see my face. I feel so alone, I thought I was doing well but this feels like an absolute low point that I am not sure how to move on from. I have managed to shower and absolutely had to put fresh sheets on my bed. I know I need to avoid alcohol, I think I’d be too ashamed to even tell this to my counsellor. Does this happen to other people?

Billyc · ‎05-05-2019

Hi Mayfreed,

Can’t say that has happened to me, And if I may, it doesn’t sound inappropriate either..

you were acknowledged, that’s a positive in anyone’s book, and it’s very likely because you deserve to be acknowledged.

You don’t have to answer this but, did you enjoy the experience? No need for details,I just don’t see you doing anything wrong.

2 and half years separated is still reasonably fresh.. so I imagine your still adjusting in many ways,

Im 3 and half years separated at 41 and I haven’t seen anybody in that time, Only because I feel I’m still adjusting.. maybe I need to take a leaf out of your book.

as for coming here to share, well done. It’s far from being a low point! I have found this forum quite empowering..

best

Paw Prints · ‎05-05-2019

Hello Mayfeed,

I'm sure you're not the first or the last person to have done this or a variant. "this can feel very isolating at times" "because it is a blow to my self esteem" "flattering for someone to tell me I am sexy" . Just add alcohol & I don't think it matters how old we are, our judgment goes flying out the window & we can succumb to the charm of feeling wanted.

I have had that "morning after" shame & embarrassment, I may have only been in my 20s but having sex with 2 men in the one night is still not something I'm proud of. Alcohol & low self esteem can make us do foolish things. As in your case it was completely out of character & it made me feel worse about myself than I had before.

I think having a shower & changing the sheets was a good idea as it enables you to claim your space back. Forgive yourself for a lapse of judgment, truly that is all it is. If you find you are having difficulty getting past it please speak to your counsellor, I'm sure they have dealt with similiar before or if you don't feel able to speak of it face to face then you could call the BB help line 1300 224 636.

And of course we are here for you on the forum

Paw Prints

Billyc · ‎05-05-2019

Hi paw prints & May

your supportive comments are very contrasting to mine, I’m just wondering whether I have misunderstood things may?

If I have please ignore my comments

Croix · ‎05-05-2019

Dear Mayfreed~

I know that you have been going though a difficult period of adjustment and that you have a daughter who herself has problems. You also have depression long term. I read your posts in

Forums / Welcome and orientation / New to BB Forums - not coping

I also know that you have had the strenght and tenacity to go though uni, have held and an enjoy a job, stick to you daughter when she is in trouble, and have a place of your own. You have coped wiht a most difficult illness for many years.

Loneliness will have been a big factor in your life after so long with another -it would be for anybody, plus of course the solitude having moved from your sister's place.

May I respectfully say you have blown things quite out of proportion, even got things the wrong way around. . People are intimate for many reasons, and one of the most important is simple human contact. Going on dating sites is an obvious sign you want someone else in your life, and true, it is flattering to be told you are sexy by someone else - of whatever age.

Rather than moping you brought that person back to your place and spending the night together. This only really has the drawback you are not seeing this younger person as a suitable long-term mate. Everything else you are feeling seems to me to be a reaction to common stereotypes, most of which are unrealistic and unkind. May/September relationships are well known anyway.

Perhaps part of your unhappiness at the moment is that your evening has brought home to you how much you need companionship - more than you thought, a surprise. Plus you would be conscious of your age, thogh in truth you have many years yet to find someone else and lead a full life in every sense.

Quite honestly I beleive your experience has more positives than negatives, and for you to berate yourself over it it plain wrong. Of course you can mention it to your counselor, you can even tell your friends that you have now decided a person closer to your own age might be a fairer match, but don't be ashamed, take it as a complement and part of life.

Croix

Croix · ‎05-05-2019

P.S. Sometimes when I am very upset I can overlook the obvious and as you are upset now may I mention the 'unprotected sex' lecture, which no doubt you would have given to offspring in years past yourself.

My apologies if you find these words inappropriate. I thought for while and then decided I'd sooner you thought badly of me than for you to suffer unwarranted physical effects due to having your mind distracted by distraught thoughts.
-C

Christa1 · ‎05-05-2019

Hi Mayfreed

I felt for you as I read your post as it sounds like you're feeling so bad about yourself. No-one judges us more harshly than we judge ourselves. As an outsider, two people deciding to be intimate after a night out is just that - no more no less. What concerns me is how you feel about yourself because of it. It sounds like you don't approve of your own behaviour, that you have done something that you would not normally do. We all do things which in hindsight we would rather not have done. It does not make you pathetic, it makes you human. I can relate to feeling big shame and embarrassment. I can also relate to being an older (older than you) woman who is no longer with her husband. Try to forgive yourself. The intensity of those uncomfortable feelings may dissipate in coming days. Chalk it up to life experience and move on. You can choose not to repeat the experience if you don't want to. If it really continues to bother you & eat away at you, I would encourage you to talk to someone about it to help you work through your feelings. If alcohol is a problem for you and you find you are getting into situations you don't want to be in because of alcohol, then please speak to someone about it. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are great and you don't have to be an alcoholic to attend. Meetings are open to anyone. You will find a lot of information and support and an absence of judgement at AA.

I wish you all the best,

Christa

Mayfreed · ‎06-05-2019

Thank you Christa, your words are so kind, loneliness and alcohol do cloud my judgement, I don’t drink on many occasions but when I do it tends to be quite a lot. I will absolutely take you recommendation on board xx

Mayfreed · ‎06-05-2019

Hi Billy, I didn’t find anything in your post to be unhelpful or nonsupportive 🙂

Mayfreed · ‎06-05-2019

Thank you Croix for your perspective and insight and for taking the time to read my previous posts. The issues with my daughter are ongoing, in fact even yesterday afternoon she called for assistance (sometimes it is as if she has a radar), but she has been working very hard to address her addiction issues, small steps forward. I can’t say that the feelings of shame have dissipated within myself, however I did find the courage to mention what had happened to a couple of friends (that’s how afraid I am of judgement), who both were supportive and suggested that there should be no shame. If anything though the experience has made me aware that I need to work more on discovering (and rediscovering) my self worth. I am overwhelmed by the support and the reality check I have received, it is a great help.