Anger and depression

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Something that has come up recently in conversations for me is anger. There are so many resources regarding managing or controlling anger, or about what to do when it is visited upon you by others, but what about the matter of simply possessing it, and what it does to us? I have no trouble controlling anger in its outward expression. For me, that is the problem. I've spent so much time repressing it, it's on automatic mute. And do you know what that does? It burrows in and turns on me. I'm finding it's a huge catalyst for my depression, as it just skips the venting phase almost entirely and goes straight to self-destruction. I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one here that happens to.

My little epiphany a day or two ago was this: I have a right to my anger. We all do. There are things in everyday life that make us angry. There are huge and abnormal circumstances that cause us rage. Whether it's justified or not, we feel what we feel, but it's like any sort of expression of that these days is some kind of massive taboo. Of course I'm not endorsing taking it out on your loved ones, or beating up the guy who stuffs up your change at the servo. But I've found that just talking about it, so many people will laugh it off, or try to redirect it, or tell you to calm down, or it will be okay, and all that sort of stuff. At what point did we lose the right to express anger in any way whatsoever?

This thread is for us to discuss our anger. Vent. Talk about what really grinds our gears, and about any way in which anger has impacted our lives and our depression. To share ways we know of letting out our anger without hurting anyone. I could certainly use some advice on getting it out, and some help with getting out of that automatic habit of turning it in on myself. Anything you have to share on the subject, this is the place for it.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Blue

I too have a tendency to keep the feeling of anger within. Mainly because I don't think I have all the skills to know what to do with that feeling.

I am feeling quite annoyed,disappointed, and angry at the moment. I feel angry at myself actually, because I keep failing. I fail at disciplining myself to exercise and eat healthy foods. I keep stuffing up over and over again. And I feel like hitting out at the world. Something within just wants to punch into the air, and scream at the top of my voice.

I am sick of striving in other areas of my life, only to find myself tripping again. Now this may seem childish, or complaining but I am angry that I have awful hair. I hate it. Both my sister's have beautiful shiney hair. Mine is fine and never stays neat. I am even angry at myself for being angry about such a thing. I just want to be happy for them.

Thankyou for allowing me to get this out. Good topic Blue.

Shell

[Paul]

Hey Shelley anne,

Something struck me in your post and reminded me of some advice from my psych and something I use myself.

Our unconscious minds are powerful and can be the source of much inspiration and motivation, they can also be the source of anger and disappointment. The unconscious mind is very complex and kinda child like at the same time. In saying child like, I mean that they respond to things the way kids do!

Example: Tell a child NOT to touch something - what happens?

Tell yourself that you NEED to do something - what happens?

Suggest to a child that a better idea would be to do THIS - what happens?

Tell yourself that you'd like to do THAT - what happens?

Most of the time, the gentle approach works for kids and for us. The forceful approach produces anger as well. Gently, gently. That's the key.

xx Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Shelley anne,

Thanks for sharing. I'm a firm believer that anger is something you just need to get out of your system one way or another, even if it's just being able to say "I'm angry about X". That's something I lost the ability to do about the things that were really festering in me, and I am trying to regain it. For me this thread is a great help because I'm not just learning ways others manage anger, but I'm getting that periodic reminder through posts like yours that it's okay to let it out.

I get pretty angry with myself (in a muted kind of way) when I don't meet a personal goal, too. I think if you want to yell or scream, find yourself a bit of space somewhere it won't upset everyone too much, and go right ahead. And if you want to punch the air or a pillow or something, go ahead. It's not hurting anyone. Back when I knew how to just feel my anger instead of channeling it straight to being sad, I used to hang a bottle of water up in the carport (budget punching bag), and beat the daylights out of that.

On the lines of Paul's suggestion of the gentle approach to meeting goals (you sure have a full toolbox for anger management Paul; good stuff), are you allowing yourself some wiggle room? I've found with all my goals there has to be a failsafe. A budget needs to include entertainment, a diet needs the odd bit of cake, exercise can include a day or two of rest. Without a failsafe to allow for simply being human, the drudgery of such elementary things being regimented does make one angry, disillusioned and inclined to rebel. The other thing is priorities. Do you really want to eat healthy, or do you think you should want to eat healthy? I'm not saying that to criticise, but because where I haven't met my goals I have inevitably found beneath it that they are not things that really matter to me, or are things others want from me. There is a certain anger and stubbornness associated with working hard for a goal you don't even really want. (If you want to want the thing you're striving for (i.e. exercise), research the hell out of the benefits of it, and look for fun or easy ways to incorporate it into your life (treadmill in front of the telly with your favourite show on, for instance).

You can be mad about your hair, and that's okay. Though Google can show you some pretty good styles and products to get the best out of your hair type. And you can Google thick hair problems and see your sisters probably grumble at theirs sometimes, too. 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Time to resurrect this thread, I think. I have a lot of anger to get out of my system right now. After all I have done over the past months to get my roster back to something I can live with - not too many stupidly early starts, and enough money to just scrape by - one of my colleagues is leaving and work's response to that is to completely screw up my roster again. More 5am starts, and hours taken off my Sunday shift so I would be taking a pay cut. I tried talking to the boss about my concerns and he was argumentative, as his is about everything like this, and even about sick days. Seriously, if you're sick, you're sick. There's no disputing that. Just pay the damn sick day, it's a legitimate entitlement whether you want someone to be sick or not.

I'm sick to death of having a huge fight on my hands to just get things in my life barely manageable, then getting kicked straight back to square one again five minutes after I achieve one of these outcomes. It's ****ing absurd. I don't deserve it. I've worked and fought so long for better than this.

As far as personal management goes, I am not going to let my anger turn inward. It won't fester, it won't turn into depression, it won't claim me. This is bullshit, I'm calling it bullshit, and it's not on me. I don't deserve to hurt because of this, I have the right to be angry. So ****ing there!

**** you work! Seriously, just **** you and your multi-million dollar company always crying poor. **** you treating me like I have to give you ****ing charity, when you're buying new shovels for my department because they're the wrong colour but oh, we can't give you enough wages to live on, that $50 that's half your food budget is much better spend on a different colour ****ing shovel! ****'s sake! There's nothing wrong with the old damn shovel!

Dear God I needed to get that out. Anyone else need a rant? It really does help sometimes.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi all,

Yes I'd like a rant Blue.

I am sick to death of all of the experts telling me to "be realistic" in terms of how long it will take for improvements my headache. If I were to be realistic instead of keeping up a semblance of class and propriety, every time they speak those words my realistic response would be, "are you ****ing serious. You try having a headache like this every ****ing minute of every ****ing day for over a year. Then I would bawl in front of them instead of politely thanking them for charging the $365 for the 5 minutes to tell me to be realistic. If they were being realistic I am sure their advice would sound more like, "suck it up princess". At least that's what I hear, realistically.

I also feel angry when my GP asks me if I think I might be right to go back to work straight after I explain how bad the pain is. I am not sure if she is aware of the incredulous look I give when she asks this. I politely advise that the pain levels are too high to work when really I feel like saying, "hey, how about I smash you around the head with a cast iron pan a few times and you tell me if you feel up to working...oh...and how about we do that for 365 days in a row...." That probably doesn't sound very realistic....and yet that's my life.

I diffuse the anger by having a cry when I get home, sometimes in the car because I can't hold it in long enough. The other day I cried, loudly, for nearly an hour in the car in a public carpark before being able to drive home.

Sometimes I feel like a rant but I don't want to release that on family and friends. If I rant elsewhere in the forums everyone is very full of helpful advice which is beautiful but sometimes I just want someone to be angry with me, to agree, hey yes that sucks big time. To say, yes, let it all out. Sometimes people do. Most of the time they are very caring and nice. Somedays I need that too.

Thanks Blue. Your situation sucks by the way. I feel angry for you too xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks Carol. It actually feels good to see you let it out. Of course you're angry, you have every right to be angry. I'd be pissed off if I had a headache 24/7 for a year and had people giving me that "be realistic, by the way, give me money" crap too. It's not fair, you don't deserve it, and what the shit's wrong with your GP asking if you're ready to work? As if she hasn't been treating you and seeing the level of your pain day in and day out. Ugh.

Yeah, I'll be angry with you, your situation sucks bum. I think getting mad is better than crying. I've been getting better at it since I've been on the anti-depressants, more like the me I used to be. Anger is so much more useful than misery, it's the motivator to fight. Don't turn that in on yourself, just come here when you're mad and have a good rant. It feels so much better. Consider this your rage room. I might be making more use of it, myself... This is an open invitation to everyone here who is just pissed off and needs to get it out.

Blue.

[Paul]

Hi Blue and Lost,

I'm sick and tired of fat rich pigs who claim that the industry I'm in doesn't pay very well. Perhaps I should 20% less decent of a job when my servers go offline and it costs the company $10,000 a minute. I'm paid 20% less than market rate and I do an effing good job.

The fat rich pigs at the top can receive their 50 million company merge pay and 425k each per year and now 875k dividends but oh no, this industry doesn't pay very well. (I read that as rip off the staff and pocket the cash)

We've been through a transition and it's difficult. it's especially difficult for people who don't cope with change very well. Where has HR been?

The closest thing to a thank you from the owners in the last 6 months has been "We're taking away the coffee machine for 2 days because you can't look after it". My response. I'll buy coffee for my colleagues and hope to God that one of the directors sees me walk in with 7 coffees.

I'm angry because of the inequity. I'm angry because my boss who I love and is the best boss ever is now my boss's boss's boss and I report to someone in Sydney.

I've been nominated for staff member of the month a total of 2 times in 4 years. I've won a total of 0. My colleagues has been nominated 8 times and he has won 0 times. Wouldn't it be lovely if other staff could step into my world and I could show them just what I do, that the 110 servers I look after are the core of the business and if something happens everyone stops and I race my butt off to bring us back online.

I think it's time to leave that job. I think it's time to move closer to my brother or sister but it scares the hell out of me. Take me out of my home and it's like putting me in a cage of lions with "here kitty kitty" written my shirt.

Paul

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Paul,

I hear you! I work for a large IT company too. They have restructured so many times in the last decade that it's ridiculous. Cost cutting measures have taken a toll over the years, the year they took away the biscuits is still talked about.

A number of years ago I went on parental leave and while I was gone my whole team were made redundant with the exception of 2 of us including me. I ended up in a role that isn't anything like what I do and instead of reporting to someone in Syd, my new Manager was in the U.S. When I returned to work it took me 6 months to get moved back to a position where I could do the type of work I excel at. Still reporting to the U.S. and thankfully the first Manager was nice enough to help me transition over.

I haven't been able to work since Dec because of chronic pain in the form of a 24x7 tension headache. My Manager and her Manager have just been made redundant and I have been shifted to work for a Director in the U.K. My mgr told me that.....surely it should have been HR! It feels like a yearly restructure in this industry.

I can understand you wanting to move. If you can secure work closer to family it will give you the benefit of being able to spend time away from work around people you care for and that's important. I also know it's a good way to move salary up to market rates or better. It's important to feel recognised for what you contribute.

Moving can be scary. I have moved interstate a number of times. I just read some articles about moving with anxiety as another BB forum member was struggling with a move. Maybe search for it on the internet there were lots of suggestions for dealing with it.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Paul and Carol,

I'm in retail, not IT, but I'm certainly no stranger to corporate greed, stupid management decisions and that general lack of respect and recognition. Funny how the "cost saving" measures usually cost more, and staff suffer to pay for it.

New competition has moved into the neighbourhood. So what does my company do? Cuts to wages and to the product range, so there's less products which aren't on the shelf anyway because there's no bugger there to fill them, and no bugger to serve at the check-out or the deli either, so what happens? Any self-respecting customer will say to themselves "there's nothing to buy and no-one to buy it from, I'm taking my business elsewhere". "Oh", says the company. "Sales are dropping", says the company. "I know, let's cut wages!" says the company. ****ing seriously?!

Yeah Paul, I need a new job too. I like what I do, in terms of the actual job, but I'm barely allowed to do it any more. All my time is spent trying to keep the paltry few hours and dollars I get. And you know what? 15 years I've been there. I've watched really useless and annoying staff get recognition through some nice comment from a customer, they get a little badge and free movie tickets or whatever. But me? I had a customer go right up to the regional manager and tell him how impressed she was with my service, and I didn't even get a "thank you". Where are my damn movie tickets? It's like nothing I do is recognised at all. "Thanks, here's a pay cut and by the way, you're back on those 5am starts you fought so hard to minimise."

Might be worth that move, Paul (I love your lion scenario description). It's scary, but also a good opportunity to ditch a bad rut you might be stuck in (i.e. your job and it would appear lack of easy contact with your siblings) and old material possessions that can sometimes weigh you down. Do you have someone to help you move, so it's not so much of a struggle?

Blue.

[Paul]

Hey Blue and Carol,

Hugs to you both.

I'm crying after reading your posts because I can relate, I can feel the effects of the irony and stupidity and greed. I have a boss who is now my boss' boss's boss who is the most awesome boss I've had. I will miss him and I will miss his amazing way at leading. I'm scared that there will be others who don't give a toss, but during my interviews I plan to put my psychology hat on and actually be bold and ask them how they create culture in the company and how important it is to keep staff engaged if they say its very important they get asked how they maintain staff engagement and talent.

I don't really have anyone to help me move. My brother might come down and lend a hand. But I don't know where I'm going yet so without jumping the starter, I'm going to concentrate on finding a good match with an employer first then worry about the scramble.

Thanks for your replies, despite the tears, I can relate and your encouraging words have made a positive impact - thank you.

Paul xx