An insight to my depression and the stigma surrounding it

[Naomi_L]

I sit here, feeling like life isn't worth living and why is that ? I should be happy, right ?

I have an amazing family that supports and loves me, yes there are issues but that's normal, no family is perfect

I have friends that message me and hang out with me, that check up on me and that love me

I am now renting my own apartment

I am successfully studying

I have a new job I enjoy

And the list goes on
It sounds perfect right?

Yet I'm still here, struggling to see the purpose, I'm here with a lump in my chest and pain that doesn't go away. Im not sad, im not happy, im not anything except numb, i simply dont care. I feel trapped inside a vicious cycle, it makes you physically tense and mentally cloudy

Now tell me
Am i a crazy chick that is severely messed up and selfish

Or am i a person, a person who has the reasons to be happy, a person who wants to be happy, who wants to feel free, yet has this cage holding me in and even when i escape for those few moments here and there, i still find myself back inside. Trapped.

Depression is NOT a choice, it is not something I want. Why would I want to feel sick all the time, in pain all the time, unable to think clearly and unable to love completely. Depression is not me, its an illness that takes hold and it's one hell of a battle every minute of every day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, and thats if i sleep because usually it keeps me up at night, making me so exhausted that daily activities seem impossible

Those who suffer aren't suffering by choice
You don't choose to catch a cold, you don't choose to develop cancer, you don't choose to get a headache and you don't choose to suffer from depression

I constantly battle this.. this thing. And I usually wind up blaming myself and making myself feel bad for it. But it isn't me, I'm separate from my illness and sometimes i lose sight of the difference
Just know there is a difference.
Few people in my life have seen it in its true, worst form. They have seen the side of me that becomes so trapped i collapse in a ball, begging for it to be over, begging for the pain to stop, and sometimes it takes weeks for this to even begin to fade, those weeks where im bed ridden, unable to move and unable to even think

This is depression in a simplified form, but everyones different, everyone suffers differently.

You are never alone
Keep fighting ❤

[smallwolf]

Hi, tagging for now. I don't want to lose your thread. In my own way I understand - as someone with depression

[Aaronsis]

Hi Naomi L

Welcome to the forum here and what a powerful and wonderful post. It is so great to have this insight, to have this knowledge and for you to share what is a painful and exhausting, debilitating and relentless condition.

Depression does take on so many different forms and effects people so very differently but one thing that is the same for everyone and that it can happen to you, to anyone, at anytime, it is not choosy and it does not discriminate. It is not a choice, you are so right, why on earth would someone choose to have these almost crippling symptoms and the most painful of feelings, it is only with thanks to people like yourself that come and talk and share, and educate.

To answer your question and I think it was more of a statement but just to be sure, you are most certainly not a selfish person who is messed up and crazy, the fact you are here sharing and educating shows you are most certainly not selfish.

Can I ask about your experience with your doctor or therapist, only if that is something you would like to share of course. I have not experienced depression, I have absolutely no idea the way that you are feeling, but I care and we are here to support, so by sharing I get to learn and understand.

Thank you for your post, you are so very right in that here, we are not alone, together we are stronger and together we can lift others out of the mud.

Hugs to you Naomi L

AS

[Naomi_L]

Hi AS

Thankyou for the reply and for being a support to those of us who do suffer, I respect you immensely for that especially as you are someone who personally hasn't experienced depression.

A little bit of background knowledge before i answer your question.
I have been sick now for about 6 years, I refused to except it and didnt tell anyone for 3/4 years (my father has suffered with major depression my whole life and i didn't want to be a burden on my family). Over about 6 months i gradually hit my breaking point and that brings us to 2 years ago, my condition had progressed that much that i refused counseling, my anxiety was horrible and i was no longer socialising with the outside world. I finally went to a doctor and went on medication which is something i never wanted to do. Over the last 2 years ive altered my medication to suit my mindset and just recently i seeked counselling for the first time as i experienced a fair bit of loss at the beginning of the year in all categories of my life, family, friends, relationships and my career which once again pushed me back to square 1. So to answer your question I guess my experience has been rough but also i have come a long way, on occasion ive come across professionals, some being police officers, others being nurses that belittle people with depression which makes it very hard to continue seeking help. But i have also been fortunate enough to have the same doctor from day one and he is amazing at what he does, i was also fortunate enough to connect with the only counselor i have ever seeked help from and ill forever be thankful as she has saved my life without knowing it. I apologize for the long story and i hope i managed to give you some insight on your question. As you can tell i could talk for hours about this as mental health awareness is something im very passionate about

[Aaronsis]

Hi Naomi L

I am so very pleased to hear that you made the appointment to see a doctor and to get some help, I can see that this was a very huge task for you to do especially with the family history and also watching how your father managed his and didn't want to be a burden, but I am so very glad you made that appointment and accepted the medication and even started counselling, this is so wonderful and so very brave.

I am so sorry that you have experienced loss of friends and family and people in your life, this is so much to deal with and very hurtful, especially at a time when you need them most. I do believe though it is so very hard for people who may not understand mental illness, so they don't they just run, I understand that but it does hurt none the less.

It is so great that you have connected with both your doctor and your therapist, it really does make the world of difference, as just like friends and family, we don't always get along with everyone we meet so it is very important to have that connection and I so happy for you that you do.

Please do not apologize for the long reply, that is what we are here for to chat and to give support and comfort too, so you talk til you don't want to talk anymore, we are here to listen and to be a friend.

I too am so very very passionate about mental health, about awareness and about suicide prevention, we can never talk too much about these issues and one day hopefully the stigma will be smashed and we can treat these topics the same way we do the flu or a headache, with no panic just with an everyday matter of fact feeling to help the person in their time of need, no alarm, no running in the other direction, just love and care.

Now I can't stop..lol

Hope to chat some more Naomi L

AS

[Naomi_L]

Hey AS

Thankyou again for your support, i will definitely keep in contact, i have big ideas for ending the stigma surrounding depression, its still an idea in the works but im inspired to follow it through knowing people like you exist :)

Naomi L