An attempt to reach out

[Teeks]

Hi all,

 Not sure how far I will get in this post. I have been needing to reach out to someone/something for a while now but haven't been able to. While I have known that BeyondBlue is always there, I feel immense fear in connecting with the community.

 A quick back history: 27yo female, living in WA, been battling mental health (with a few different diagnosis) for the best part of 10 years (first official diagnosis was early 2005), I completed my teaching degree and then post grad in special needs education, I have now left teaching as the uncertainty of a job, nature, hours and stress of the job were too much for me and didn't match the my personality (aside from the mental health). The last two years I have had various casual contracts in jobs that I wasn't happy in, with a manager who was a pain & hours that sucked. Currently unemployed, which is a massive issue right now. Have a very supportive network but that just don't "get" it.

 Okay, so that wasn't so brief...I tend to talk a lot and just trying to let myself ramble and reach out here...the hardest step will be hitting "post this thread".

 Now: I can't afford to see a counsellor, I'm living on bare minimum as it is. I have tried finding/asking about a free counsellor, so far with no luck. I feel myself spiraling backwards - the negative self-talk, attacking and analysing anything I may have said or done, the complete lack of self-worth. Without sounding up myself, I feel that my intelligence and understanding of everything that is happening to me is my downfall. I can't really explain that right now but it is certainly putting the tears on my face, which tells me that it is a big issue/concern. I feel like I'm too "functioning" to receive help. Everyone sees the functioning side but noone sees what happens underneath that to get to that part. I spend my days fighting and arguing with myself. I don't know what is good for me to do, what is too much. I have lost all sense of trust in myself. And, then my tolerance levels are so low...I feel for my boyfriend. He copes all the mood swings and irrationality and it isn't fair.

Sorry all for the rambling 🙂 I have tears streaming down my face but am feeling a sense of relief that I have been able to write this down, and that hopefully someone might read it and "get it".

I do have a great GP (but I'm wondering after 10 years whether I need to try someone else's approach). I am on meds - not sure they are working.

Teeks

[White_Rose]

Dear Teeks

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so pleased you have reached out to us and trusted us with your story. I know it's a hard thing to do, but like a lot of things, the first step is the hardest. (Is that a song?)

I hope it helps to know that all the symptoms you have described fit just about everyone who has written in here. (Include me particularly in talking a lot).

Your GP can refer you to a psychologist who will charge nothing or a small amount. To be able to do this your GP must write a mental health plan for you. Then you will be entitled to 10 free consultations. I'm not sure what happens after after the first 10 psych visits in the year but your GP should know.

Your boyfriend sound a a great support to you. Perhaps you could sit with him and explain how you feel so that he understands why your moods swing etc. Also explore the tabs at the top of the page and read the information about depression. There are fact sheets for you and for family and friends. BB will send any of the information you ask for free of charge.

If you are uncertain about your GP you can go to someone else. Just a comment, having the same GP for a long time can be a plus as he/she will (ought to) know you well. If you feel you are not getting the appropriate help then find a new GP. BB have a list of doctors who are experienced with mental health issues. You can find the list at the bottom of the page under Find a Professional or again under one of the tabs at the top. Search by postcode.

So that's the practical stuff to get you started finding help. Someone once told me that my problem was that I thought too much. At the time I did not really understand what he meant but I do now. Trying to intellectualise your feelings does not seem to work very well. Depression is a tricky beast and will take your thoughts all over the place except where they should be. So yes, I agree with you. In some ways it is better to be a bit dumb and accept what is happening.

But since we are what we are this cannot be changed. It is one more thing to accept. Logical answers do not work with depression. It is all about feelings, memories and resilience.

If you are feeling particularly bad at any time, phone the BB hotline 1300 22 4636. This number is also at the top and bottom of the page. Or try the chat line between 3:00pm and midnight. Access also at top and bottom of the page.

Please write in again and ask whatever you need to know. Someone will be here to answer.

Regards

Mary

[gasping_for_air]

Hi Teeks,

 Reading your post was like reading a page from my diary (if i was clear headed enough to keep one).

I can completely relate to what you say about "people only see the functioning part, they dont see what goes on underneath". it makes you wonder how far you have to sink for people to notice. oh to have a physical illness that people can understand hey?

Anyway, in an attempt to help- your dr can refer you to a psych which will be in large part covered by medicare (or so my gp has just told me as he handed me my referral). otherwise there are free services (few and far between but they exist!) 

wish you the best of luck 🙂

x