Am I mentally ill?

[juanita_2005]

Alright so...let me clear up a few things first. I'm 18 and only just getting somewhat comfortable with being more honest about what I'm feeling. I have however, had the feeling since I was younger, that there may be something "wrong with me." This is not only because that's what I was told here and there growing up, but mainly because of some past trauma I experienced through childhood and my teen years, and also just the way that my mind "works" in my day-to-day life. I don't want to dive into anything specific or too detailed on here, but I did struggle with SH from ages 13-17, but have somewhat replaced that "act" of it with substance ab*se instead (Alcohol or Cannabis). I find that it's difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 1-2 weeks or so. I get overly anxious when I think about my past, present or future and this is a daily occurrence. I get that it's one thing to worry, but once I dive into that feeling, I pretty much spiral. When I am not having my "bad days", I'm usually doing things I probably shouldn't be. I struggle with maintaining healthy relationships with family, partners and even friends in some instances. The more often I'm around or hanging out with a person or specific people, I have a tendency to "put them on a pedestal" or "hyper-fixate" on said people/person. When I am in a relationship, I struggle with staying committed to that one person and am often tempted to cheat or self-sabotage by starting unnecessary arguments once we're out of the "honeymoon period." I also struggle with maintaining the same job for a long period of time. I am constantly getting bored of things and feel like I need to change things up all the time, whether that'd be my appearance or the way I dress or just my personality overall. When it all gets too stressful and I've been feeling too much all at once for a period of time, I can go into a dramatic breakdown, tend to snap at people unintentionally, have a panic attack (this is once every two months or so, compared to everything else), I can go into a stage where I completely stop caring, and will just want to go out and drink or smoke and not want to even try to fix whatever the problem is. In some cases though, I can also be doing some things that are good if I really do try, like journaling and trying to understand how I feel and what the root cause is. Sometimes but less than I'd like, I actually try to take care of myself and do better, but then the same cycle repeats, once something goes wrong even if it's something that may be considered "small" to others. That's all I have off the top of my head for now. But, are any of these signs of mental illness? Because if so, I'd really like to get help sooner rather than later.

[Croix]

Dear Juanita_2005~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the support forum. I'm glad you came as life has handed you very hard time. With trauma growing up, anxiety about the past and future events, problems with relationships, self-harm until recently and use of alcohol pus cannabis. At all mounts up to a lot of problems

I'd guess they are too big for one person to handle alone, as you say yourself you try to get things under control then something happens - even something small, and things get worse again. This does not mean you give up, just see what can help.

 I would suggest that you go see a doctor and be tested for anxiety and other matters and see what comes out of that.

Do you have anyone, family or friend to give you support? It could be a real help. They do not have to try to fix things, just listen and let you know they care?

At the moment life sounds pretty miserable, all I can say I've felt like that and was not sure there was any way out, feeling I was personally too weak to get over things, but due to medical and family support I'm now in a pretty good place without excessive worry and able to maintain a loving relationship.

I hope we can talk some more

Croix

[therising]

Hi juanita_2005

While I'm a 53yo gal, it's only in the last 5 years or so that I've come to better understand what I'd call my 'challenge cycles'. Not sure if you can relate but I'll throw it out there in case it helps. If you imagine a clock face

• at 12 I'm all happy. Life is great and I can even be on a high until
• quarter past, when some challenge begins to present. Mind you, at this stage I don't necessarily know what the challenge is but I can sure feel it as it takes me out of a high
• by the time half past hits, I start to swing into a low with a lot of negative or dark inner dialogue and incredibly uncomfortable feelings. This part of the cycle can last for days or weeks, all depending on the intensity of the challenge or if there are multiple challenges going on at once. If they're potentially depressing challenges, I'll definitely feel them
• between half past and quarter to, I can go from feeling incredibly down into some anger, whether I'm angry with myself or someone esle
• by 5 to, I'll hit on some mind altering revelation that will reveal what the challenge is about and the possible solution to it or I'll be led to distraction by something inspiring and exciting in some way and
• at 12 I'll be back on a high again and the cycle repeats

I used to manage with alcohol. For me, alcohol was and 'emotional regulator'. Of course, it also acts as a depressant (physically and mentally) which is definitely not good. In the last handful of years, I came to realise all feelings are telling. While the darker ones are always trying to tell me something important, I used to 'turn the volume down' with alcohol. I came to realise the tougher telling emotions will typically be telling me in some way 'You need to develop a new skill in managing' and/or 'You need to address this issue that always brings you down every time it cycles around' and/or 'You need let go of this depressing belief' and/or 'You need to develop a greater level of self understanding' and/or something else.

Being a 'sensitive', someone who's sensitive to every single feeling they experience (within themself and coming from others), can feel like hell on earth at times. Imagine you were born with the incredible ability or potential to feel just about everything and not only did no one show you how to develop that ability but they actually led you to suppress it, ignore, feel ashamed about it ('You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up') etc. How could you skillfully use what you were led to suppress, ignore and feel ashamed about? Stretching the imagination, imagine there was a manual that told you, from day one, how the ability to feel works and someone took it away from you and said 'Spend the rest of your life trying to work it all out for yourself and, btw, good luck with that'. Sensitivity can definitely feel like a curse when there's nothing to reference.