Am I depressed? at what level?

[Bluedaze]

Hi all, just joined BB.

I have only just recently become aware that I may have depression, still cant believe it.

I always thought I was just lazy or unfit. Been like this since a teen (40 yrs ago).  What has made me concerned is it's getting more frequent and starting to effect my work.   So.. here is an example - weekend.

I work all week 6 days, hanging out waiting for my 1 day off.   I have so many things I want to do or continue with, my Sunday comes and I will just sit in a spare room or on couch and spare for hours at a blank wall.    Usually I sort of come out of it at the end, to get some things done but day is pretty much trashed.  Doesn't happen always but having more.

I seem kind of paralyzed, not tired but not energized either, stuck in a mundane limbo.  Don't what to more or do anything.

Not even sure what triggers it, lately no specific reason or event.

There a pile of other stuff also.. (later).

I got a 36 on the K9 test also just before (was trying to be upbeat also but honest).

So, I guess I may be depressed, what level or type would I be?

Haven't seen /seeking any help yet, not sure I want to yet (more questions 1st), only did a on-line session earlier with an agent.  Was really helpful, for a moment I felt like I was actually worth something.

Could tell you more about my self but really don't want to bore anyone.

Thanks for reading  🙂

[Bluedaze]

F.Y.I.

My previous post has been altered & watered down. (not sure why)

Not the full text in the way & feeling that I wrote it.

[Snoman]

Bluedaze,

Good.  Glad you got that off your chest!

Believe it or not, they won't freak.

I recall the time I told my psych.  Point blank.  How close I came, and what stopped me that time.  I told him my plan.

At the end of the session, he wanted to know if I felt safe within myself.  At that point in time I did.  But I had a date in mind when I needed to be better by.  That date, incidentally is in the past now, and I am indeed better enough.

He did not tell anyone.  He did not judge.  He did look concerned and took me seriously as he always does, but I was never made to feel uncomfortable in telling him.  Mind you, it took a long time before I could tell my wife.

Bear in mind that the black dog will put black thoughts into your head.  Some are truly unhelpful.  That particular thought - thinking of suicide - that is the black dog.

The very important issue is not that you have such thoughts, but that you need to remain safe from them.  Please, if you find it getting too hard to ignore that thought, ring 000.  Ambo's know how to help.  You would not be the first they have helped.  They would take you to the emergency department, and you would be looked after.  Alternatively, you could take yourself to the ED.

Your safety is important.  And you can get much better.  And smile.  And take off that mask.

I get the feeling you have a lot to talk to your psych about.  I can imagine it suddenly coming all out like a dam wall breaking.  And tears.  Tears are very healthy too.  Be prepared to feel very drained after.

Thank you for sharing that with us.  We are still right here with you.

Sno

[laura86]

Hi Bluedaze,

How are you feeling today? 

Firstly I really don't think you would lose your job over something like this. You made need further treatment and may need to take some time off, worst case scenario, but I don't think you'd get fired. And your phyc wouldn't freak out- trust me my cousin ended up in hospital once with the CAT team and they asked him questions about whether the television was sending him secret messages and whether he could see colours. He just said ummm no I'm depressed and suicidal. There are people WAY more concerning out there trust me Bluedaze!!! No one is going to freak out because you're depressed. 

You know, it might be a good idea to give BB or similar a call and discuss the best way to talk to your wife about this. They might be able to give you good advice on how to have these conversations.  

If you are seeing a therapist could you ask your wife to come with you to a session? That way there's someone else there who can help you too. I know it's not an easy or nice thing to discuss with your partner.

Let me know how you're going and keep talking things out with us here.

Have a great weekend

Laura

xx

[Snoman]

Hey Bluedaze,

Seems my reply to your other post got totally washed away altogether.  There is enough of your post that remained for me to respond to, so here I go again.

First: I'm glad you got that out.  Must be a bit of a mixture of relief putting it out there, and discomfort not knowing how people will respond.

Believe it or not, they won't freak out.  Neither would anyone here.  Many of us have our own stories.

I recall the time I told my psych just how close I came.  He didn't panic, didn't tell everyone, and he didn't judge.  He took it seriously and talked things through to be sure I was going to be safe after our session.  He didn't tell my wife or the police or anyone at all.  In fact, on the outside, my life continued as per any other session with him.

Please accept that the black dog puts these awful black thoughts into our heads.  These thoughts are not yours.  It is just difficult to separate ourselves from them.

Very importantly, if you are finding it difficult to ignore these thoughts, and you are not feeling safe, then you need to take action.  You can call BB on the number at the top of this page, or you can call 000.  The ambo's are trained in helping people through this.  You wouldn't be the first they have helped.  And there is no shame in calling for help.  It just makes sense.  They will take you to a hospital where you would be looked after.  Alternatively, you could take yourself to the emergency department of your local hospital.  They do know how to help.  It is what they do.

To me, thoughts like those are a sign that you need some professional help.  Again, I strongly urge you to see a GP.  You may not be comfortable telling them everything, but I'm sure you can tell your GP enough to get the ball rolling.

I think you would benefit from talking to someone who deals with this as their day-job. You might feel you can handle this, but sometimes it is worth getting in the experts just to speed up the process.  This is your life.  The sooner you get expert help, the sooner you get to live without a mask.

Thanks for letting out that demon. 398 more to go I believe 😉

Sno

[Bluedaze]

Thanks Sno and yes all very good points, logical and rational.

But here the thing, now please don’t think that I'm trying to be challenging or play cat'n'mouse but I'm am jus trying to get you inside my head.

You, Laura & Geof have tolerated my ramblings so far (and thanks) so I'll continue.

Not sure of how much this will be posted but here goes.

This probably will sound bizarre but I have this weird fascination about planning my (lets called it) "my final day".   

50% of my days are up days, and most of that day I am staying that I don’t really want to do this (final day).

Truth is, if that day comes I'll most likely go to the chosen spot aaaand just sit their holding it & balling for 2 days.

But! I keep being drawn into meticulously planning this day out to every last detail..

Thinking of it as a "special, big day" like a calibration, or ceremony etc.

Looking up to it as a fix all, "rip cord". grand finish line, a final destiny.

So I will reject this thinking but the idea keeps returning, loaming.

-----< moderators read this >.-------

1.  If I did something, it wont be this week or this year, but a few years off at least. 

2. I will not harm of involve ANYONE else

3.  No body will be left with money owed (Ah.. I think that will do it)

4. And REALLY no one will notice.

--------< relax! >------.

And all in all, it really does not bother me, no big deal.

Like I said I feel like I'm the big ol house at the end of the street vandalized, trashed, burnt out & derelict and I'm just pushing the plunger on it.

So when people say about getting help, I think yeah.. OK but, help with what?

I guess what I'm am writing now is in stark contrast to how I started this post.

Thanks for staying with me..

P.S. Never no way would I call ambo's my horrible neighbours would die laughing, & I would die of embarrassment.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
 

[Bluedaze]

Hi Laura & Sno
And thanks yeah I'm doing OK, believe it or not.  (my self meditation at work)
Also, I will look into seeing the GP & phyc.   cheers.

[Bluedaze]

To laura Sno & Geof
Just wanted to add, please don't get the wrong idea.
Your comments have been so kind & you all have a heart of gold.

So thanks again for your help but I feel I have nothing really to contribute here.  In fact visiting here has been making me feel down, even on a good day.

Anyhow thanks to those who have taken the time to post but your time could be better spent helping others.. who need and deserve the support.
- Blue

[Snoman]

Bluedaze,

I get the bit about how coming here can bring you down.  I have to limit the days I come here for the same reason, but I want to contribute.  Even when it brings me down, I still gain from other people's posts and threads.  Even yours.  Threads aren't one way support.

As for your planning of your final day, well I too saw such planning as being as reasonable as planning what to buy for dinner tonight.  I am glad I don't have those thoughts anymore.  They are not helpful.  Even if you never go there, those thoughts are wasting your time.

The thing is, if you are having these thoughts, then with them comes lots of other baggage.  Like thinking you are not worth the trouble.  Like thinking your life is not worth the trouble for you to fix.

You may not think that matters, but you also find life not that enjoyable.  Surely getting that fixed IS WORTH IT?  How nice would it be to want to bounce out of bed and cook up some fancy breakfast while singing and dancing around?  Too feel excited about doing something you used to love doing?  To want to go out to catch up with a friend? To want to plan a fun holiday?

There is no reason for you to not enjoy the rest of your life.  Life can be wonderful.  It should be.  YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF AND LOVE BEING ALIVE.  Anything else, and something is wrong that needs to be fixed.

And if your horrible neighbours would laugh at you for calling an ambulance, then they truly are horrible neighbours.  Chances are, however, that a few of them would look at you and think if only someone they loved or worked with had done that too.  Some may think to themselves "I didn't know I could do that, I wonder if I will, I wonder if I should, I'm not as strong as him, maybe I should talk to bluedaze when he gets back, nah he would probably laugh at me, I shouldn't waste his time".

Sno