Am I depressed? at what level?

[Bluedaze]

Hi all, just joined BB.

I have only just recently become aware that I may have depression, still cant believe it.

I always thought I was just lazy or unfit. Been like this since a teen (40 yrs ago).  What has made me concerned is it's getting more frequent and starting to effect my work.   So.. here is an example - weekend.

I work all week 6 days, hanging out waiting for my 1 day off.   I have so many things I want to do or continue with, my Sunday comes and I will just sit in a spare room or on couch and spare for hours at a blank wall.    Usually I sort of come out of it at the end, to get some things done but day is pretty much trashed.  Doesn't happen always but having more.

I seem kind of paralyzed, not tired but not energized either, stuck in a mundane limbo.  Don't what to more or do anything.

Not even sure what triggers it, lately no specific reason or event.

There a pile of other stuff also.. (later).

I got a 36 on the K9 test also just before (was trying to be upbeat also but honest).

So, I guess I may be depressed, what level or type would I be?

Haven't seen /seeking any help yet, not sure I want to yet (more questions 1st), only did a on-line session earlier with an agent.  Was really helpful, for a moment I felt like I was actually worth something.

Could tell you more about my self but really don't want to bore anyone.

Thanks for reading  🙂

[laura86]

Hi Bluedaze!

It's great to hear from you! I know what you mean- I've been going through a dark time over the last few weeks too. Thank goodness for everyone on these forums or I think I might really lose the plot lol.

We will all get through this together. I heard a great quote on the weekend watching the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel "Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end."

Anyway, thank you for letting us know you're ok. Hopefully hear from you soon. 

[Bluedaze]

Thanks again laura86, so true.

Here are some more quotes for you..

The journey of a 1000 leagues begins with a single step. - Brian Tracey

Control ones self or one will be cotroled by self.

and finnaly..

When you into the sunshine, the shadows fall behind you.

Oh and hey, check out the piece I wrote , the psychedelic elephant, in the thread "If depression were an animal" (near the end).   Tell me what you think.  I crack up every time i read it  🙂

Maybe I have lost the plot???   🙂   🙂

[laura86]

Hi Bluedaze,

Thank you for your quotes and for making me laugh with your elephant description! It's certainly one of the most unique answers to that thread!

You sound like you might be doing a bit better tonight. Even if you're not at least you can laugh- that's a big step for people like us!

Stay laughing my friend!

[laura86]

Hi Bluedaze,

Wondering how you are going.

I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope you're ok.

Hopefully speak soon!

xx

[Bluedaze]

Hi Laura

Still here.. living

Just trying to stay looking on the positive side.

Thanks for your post and caring, I really appretiate this.

[Snoman]

Hi Bluedaze,

I'm wondering about your progress.  I get the impression you have a lot buried deep that hurts you and you don't want to see anyone professionally about your condition. Amirite?

It is VERY scary to front up to a GP or psych and spill all the demons.  The good thing is that you don't have to let all 399 demons out at once to get help.

You mentioned a personality disorder.  Was that an official diagnosis?  Are you getting any support for that?

Sno

[Bluedaze]

Thanks for your reply Sno   Yep Urright!

Yes, a lot of hurt, most of it kept buried but aware of, & also some black holes still (I think?).

No not having any treatment.   Worried about loosing job, drivers licence, travel rights ??.. etc if I do.

To explain:   I could and would talk to a phyc but as I understand, the phyc is obligated to alert my employer & my job (which I've held for 17 yrs) would be terminated I'm sure.

I just don't have any faith in "the system" (or my employer), beside from what I've read in here, the treatment & meds don't seem to work anyway.

Personality disorder, no official diagnosis as yet, just own conclusion.  Not getting /never had support of this.

Just some reasoning to my thinking....   My so called personality, in public its like a script that is played out, an act.  I don't even know who I'm supposed or should be.  * Imagine being a stranger to yourself!

So the "simple" act of just talking to someone is like juggling a dozen flaming knives, I can "pull it off" but one wrong move..

Man, I'm telling you guys stuff I've NEVER told ANYBODY!   (& I could go on & on...)

So.. Just like the Muppet show, everyday... "Its time to put on makeup, its time to light the lights..." and on with the show.   But in reality, I am just a burnt out shell, thrashed & trashed.  

At least I'm posting this instead of typing it all out that saving it to my computer like I usually do (self moderating).

Again, I know their are others here worse than me.  

And thanks for reading.

Signed: Beaker (acting as Kermit the frog )

[geoff]

dear Bluedaze, keep this going and I gather that you seem to be reading a lot of other posts, and I've read the replies back to you, but I can't find out why you would  lose your job and car licence, I'm sorry you may have mentioned it before.

Sure maybe there are people worse off, but not in your case because this is your own post and you feel terrible, so at the moment it's you we are talking to, and you are struggling to deal with depression. Geoff.

[Snoman]

Hey Bluedaze,

Whats more important to you: your quality of life, or .... well I was going to say job, but like Geoff, I can't see why your job/licence would be in jeopardy.

There may be some things that a psych would be obliged to tell someone, but I honestly don't know of anything.  They are bound by privacy rules too.

When I moved interstate and had to renew my drivers licence, I was worried about not getting it due to my depression.  I decided to do the right thing and tick the form admitting to my mental health issues.  I then had to get my GP to sign a form stating that my mental health wasn't a danger.  She did, and job done.

You and many others go around doing what you do as well as you do without anyone knowing.  Just because someone knows doesn't stop you being just as capable or safe.

You get to control what you tell a psych.  You can ask them questions about what they are obliged to tell others/your employer etc before you divulge any more.  My psych did say that if he thought I was in danger, he would want to inform someone like my wife to help watch over me.  BUT he would only do that with my consent.

You deserve to find out what it is like without a mask.  You don't have to be a muppet with us.  We get it.  We all know about faking our behaviour and appearance of control and normality.

Please re-read Geoff's last paragraph.  Out loud.  In your own voice (not Kermit's or Beaker's). 😉

Sno

[Bluedaze]

Thanks Geoff & Sno.

And nicely put, "whats more important.." I can read into this.  WOW!  Life without a mask?   I cant even imagine this.

So with the phyc, I would tell them I feel like taking my own life.

There, I've said it!

With that lovely baggage I'm sure they'll freak.  And do whatever that make them happy.

So yeah, job is not that important I guess.

And yeah, maybe I'll run all this past the wife, she's been a bit down lately so I'm sure this would make her... year, never told her about any of this, she doesn't even know I about BB.

Cheers.

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