ALONE AND IN THAT DARK PLACE

[D2922]

Hi, first time every reaching out on BB. 

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember that is more the 40 years. 

The last 4 years have been hectic. Death of my mum, uncle, and grandmother all in 12 months. And nothing simple all very complicated. Work has changed and is making me crazier than ever. And then on the weekend something dark came out of me after a few drinks, I attacked a person. I fully snapped! This I have no excuse for but I cant understand how I could do this to another person. Its now started the spiral of dark thoughts. I have a loving family and all the good stuff in life, why is this becoming so ugly now? I don't understand and I don't know how my friends and family can ever forgive me on attacking another woman. 

Has anyone out there snapped like this, I am a grown women who attacked another women in a bar. 

[therising]

Hi D2922

I believe there are many facets to us and some will only come out under extreme circumstances. Never in a million years could we see our self meeting with those facets but there are times where, when pushed, it can happen. My heart goes out to you in regard to all the terrible grief you've been facing and the unbelievable stress you've had to try and make sense of and manage. So much to be tolerating, so much emotion, so many thoughts and so much challenge. I can understand if you're feeling exhausted.

Finding good reason is different from making excuses for our behaviour. I imagine there was a reason you snapped, when at the pub. Could be wrong but I imagine that while the scales were so precariously balanced (given all the weight of what you've been trying to cope with), that woman finally tipped the balance and triggered something in you to life.

With the idea of 'facets of self', if I had to provide an image I'd say it's a bit like an old style wagon wheel, with the hub in the middle and all the spokes stemming from that. You could say the hub is our core sense of self and the spokes are facets that stem from that, which go toward making up the whole of who we are. Spokes come to life, one by one, over time and under certain circumstances. Some will come to life gradually, like when the people pleaser in us is conjured by parents, teachers and all the other people who expect us to be pleasant and not rock the boat as we're growing up. The adventurer in us may come to life when we meet with someone who leads us to adventure and the financial planner when we've got no choice but to manage money through financial hardship. The list goes on. As a 53yo gal, I've met with a part of myself I have to manage carefully. I refer to it as 'the intolerant cow' in me 🐮. Perhaps it's best labeled as 'the dragon'. It can be fierce and with a single breath of words burn bridges. It can have a 'take no prisoners' nature and has quite the potty mouth at times, if not managed 😁. It can come to life with pure ferocity or, if reigned in by the sage in me, it can be direct, calmly spoken but firm and an upstanding boundary setter. One of the reasons I rarely drink is because there are facets of me that can go out the window when I do drink and the sage in me is definitely one of them. So while the intolerant cow in me or my 'inner dragon' can be dictating through inner dialogue, 'Destroy that person, completely tear them a new one!', it's the sage that dictates 'Be careful, for what is said can not be taken back or unheard. Can you live with that?'. While a few drinks can bring new parts of us to life (welcomed or unwelcomed), they can also drown out the parts we may desperately need, so as not to live with regret.

I imagine tolerance or intolerance to be key emotions in your life at the moment, while you face so much.

[BlueLily]

Hi D2922,

So sorry to hear that you lost three loved ones all within a year. Grief can definitely take your mind to a bad place where you didn't think it was possible.

Unfortunately, the nature of depression is it doesn't care about all the good things in life. It has no explanation nor rational why you feel that way. I personally try to stay away from alcohol when I'm going through depression. Alcohol can drive even a person without depression in to doing things that they would never do sober. Instead I try to focus on healthier avenues such as choosing healthy food options even if doing takeouts and choosing  mocktails perhaps. Also I usually try to shift my negative energy to a hobby. 

But I have to confess, though not attacking a person, I have done things that I regret when I was suffering from depression. So please be kind to yourself. What helped me most during my depression is my pet cat. Pets are great for stress if that's an option for you.

Take care of yourself