Agoraphobia and moved house

[Speechless]

It’s been a little over a year since I moved.

I’m embarrassed to say I’m 42 and live with my elderly parents. But one of which cannot drive and is deaf and relies on me. 

I believe I have had Agoraphobia most of my life since adulthood and have been able to get out of the traps of it a handful of times in my life, although regimented somewhat, but I would always have my ‘safety’ of home to come to.

Home to me was isolated on 5 acres, surrounded by paddocks with cows or with horses. Nearest neighbour more than 100 metres away and a driveway about 200 metres.

I got my stability and calmness from being outside in nature. 26 years I lived there from age 14.

When I was going through trauma in my later teens, and unable to go out because my dad was always working, I regressed socially and also had social phobia. I have lived like a recluse in my safe place for my adult life - although I had a friend and would go out and at one time was working for years.

In 2023, my dad declared we were selling the property within 2 months in order to invest in shares. There was no discussion. Felt terrorised for three months, never getting a break, getting rid of a lot of my beloved animals, throwing out have my belongings and all that comes with a major move. I was in acute destress but had to keep pushing myself.

Looking for a house was extremely triggering for me. I’d always felt anxious around urban environments. My whole identity, values, calmness, foundation was based on home my safe place.

My dad, it seemed threw out all the values we had as a family tied to where we lived, and didn’t seem to care where we moved to as long as it was in his time limit of 2 months to invest in some shares he thought was going to skyrocket. (They didn’t).

There was absolutely nothing but a 3-4 listings a week of the worst kind, because it was winter.

We ended up with dad deciding on a place that mum and I were ok with. For me, it was a matter of what was worse. At the end tho, it was dad’s decision.

I was so mentally unwell, I should’ve been in hospital. But instead I had to help dad move entire house contents on a ute within 3 days, breaking down in my mini breaks. There was no other help.

The last time we were at the place, it was morning and there was no reflection- I was told off by my parents to hurry up and leave the premises. After 26 years and no reflection.

I was extremely upset but held it in.

When we moved into the new house which is an old ugly 70s house, with not much of anything I’m used to, a lot of cementing in the backyard and two story houses encroaching from behind.My bedroom with cars and trucks going by often. I freaked out, it was high crippling anxiety for almost a year as well as pretty bad clinical depression.

I can’t go for walks anywhere near the neighbourhood as it’s just too triggering for me and I get anxiety attacks. 
To make matters worse, my dad decided not to get a car for him and mum even tho they have just inherited a lot of money, because that would make their pension go down further as a car is an asset. I have been really depressed for over two years having to drive my parents all the time or letting my dad have my car. I still go out places like walkers and shops and would like to get well enough to volunteer again and so on, but driving my parents and having them in the car all the time just makes me want to give up. I feel like I’m not allowed to have independence, it’s really unfair. I am independent financially, and saved hard aging for my new car a few years ago. Then dads new car caught fire and since then, solely relies on me and my car, both parents for everywhere they go. I bought my car in hopes I could make it last as I don’t go many kms, but with my parents it’s just ruined it. I pay my car like usual petrol and upkeep, rego and all of that, but I’m taking my parents who use it all up. It went from this is my car and you have your car, to all of a sudden without discussion , that’s our family car now. 

Oneday, my dad went to Bunnings, took ages and came back with an interior door for the house he loaded in my car without asking. It smashed the window screen and he had to pay for it, but he constantly does things like that where I have no control. So it really makes me depressed.

I guess I just wanted to get things off my chest.

[james1]

Hello Speechless,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I felt very moved by both your clear fondness for the old home in nature, and the shock of having to suddenly up and out.

I understand you just wanted to speak up about your experience, and that makes so much sense given you didn't have a voice when your dad decided to move. Now with them also dependent on you, it sounds like you still have very little say in family affairs. I would also be very upset.

I don't know if you have anyone close to you to help potentially resolving this with your parents, but I really do hope you can find a way. It's not fair for you to not have a voice in matters that affect your life, especially when it's such a long standing problem. I have a similar issue with my own parents, but am very glad that I've managed to get a fair bit of independence since I moved out. That helped a lot with my own feeling of being stuck both physically and mentally.

James