ACL rupture

[Guest_09257537]

Hello, 

This is my first post on this platform- I am not used to reaching out and talking about issues. I've always been the type to deal with it by myself, mostly by distractions or suppressing it until it either goes away or comes out in a big gush. 

In April I ruptured my ACL playing soccer- something I have played for the better part of 15 years. I am in an U20s squad, and was beginning to get senior games and recognition when it happened doing something I've done millions of times before- changing direction. I still dream about it and get flashbacks. 

3 weeks ago I had my ACL reconstruction. After the pain I experienced in the first week - I thought that would be the worst of it, but the mental side of it has hit me like a truck- especially at nights. It feels like a part of my identity is gone, and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this 12 month tunnel back to soccer. I have nowhere to express my emotion or escape reality and am stuck in a cycle of avoid and ignore until night time where I inevitably break down. 

I have so much support, I just don't want to burden them with the same rubbish. I know I can't change it, and it's not worth dwelling over but I can't help it. I keep asking "why me?". 

I was hoping for someone who understands this mental toll- and who could maybe help me. I've been told 'it gets better' and 'you'll come back stronger', but it all sounds like words so early into this struggle. If anyone can share insight into their experience, or give strategies to keep myself positive I would be so grateful. 

Thank you. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I feel for you so much.

As a 53yo gal who's managed the ins an out of depression since my late teens (both long term and episodic depression), I wish someone had have told me much earlier in life 'A lot of what can be depressing can tie into a sense of identity'. Of course there can be other depressing factors in life which can involve physical and natural or what some may call 'soulful' factors but sense of identity (a mental factor) would definitely be up there amongst the top influences for depression, probably because it does tie into so much. For example, with plenty of dopamine and endorphins that can come about from playing sport, a depressing chemical downshift can have a mental impact that can influence a sense or false sense of identity 'I am someone who can't feel joy anymore (dopamine is definitely joyful). I am someone with barely any energy. I am someone who's not of much use' and on it goes.

I've found one of the most helpful perspectives for me personally involves imagining I have a whole number of different facets to myself. Some are well developed, some I'm in the process of developing and there are some I'm yet to meet with. Combine 'the soccer player' in you with 'the high achiever' in you and you become a high achieving soccer player. These aspects of you lead you to develop a strong sense of identity you love and miss deeply, understandably. If you go on to channel, exercise or bring back to life the soccer player and high achiever in you in 12 months time, BAMM, that sense of identity returns. So, 'What facets of you to channel in the meantime?' becomes the question. Don't wait to get better. Waiting gets depressing, something I learned the hard way. I found waiting becomes about focusing on desperately wanting what you don't have. While you're waiting, what parts of you would you like to develop?

You could develop 'the researcher' or 'the chemist' or 'the biologist' in you. 'How to lead the body to produce the most and the best kind of chemistry or chemical energy for when you return to playing' could be one area of research. How does protein or do proteins function, how does human energy naturally work and what's required for it to work at peak performance levels? Food and mindsets that interfere with energy production, could involve another couple of offshoot down the rabbit hole of self discovery and self understanding and on it goes. By the time you return to playing, you will have developed so much more than the soccer player and high achiever in you. If you go on to coaching at some point, you'll be able to offer some education to younger players when it comes to physical, mental and natural factors that go toward making up a powerhouse of a soccer player. Not sure if you have a 'Nutrition Warehouse' near you. If you do, the people there can be really knowledgeable and helpful when it comes to experimenting with certain protein powders and other forms of chemistry. You can become a bit of an experimenter over the next year.

So, 'I am a resting and recovering soccer player on my return to being an absolute powerhouse, like never before. I am a self taught biology student, studying elements of biology online. I am an experimental chemist (aka 'a mad scientist'). I am a researcher. I am a high achiever when it comes to research' and the list goes on. If you're able to begin seeing or imagining what you're going to be like when you return to playing, that's about developing 'the seer' in you. 'I am a seer, who's able to tap into a sense of positive vision for myself and others'. You are so much more than you currently imagine. 'It gets better' and 'You'll come back stronger' are words without a plan to make that happen, which can help explain why such words can be felt as hopeless or depressing. An exciting plan, on the other hand, has a whole different feel to it.