Hi resistor
The lowest part of a depression cycle can definitely feel like hell on earth at times, that's for sure. My heart goes out to you so much as you feel yourself in that place. I think unless people can relate to that place, they have little idea of just how bad it can get, based on a combination of factors. Not sure if you can relate to some of the following
- In the darkest part, you can kinda go blind. So, no matter how hard you try to see the way forward in your mind, there's nothing. And sometimes no matter how hard you try to see what's led you to where you're at, again there's nothing. I've found it pays to have seers in my life. When I say to them 'I can't see where I'm going or what I need to do next' or 'I can't see what's led me to this point', they can see such things for me. They share with me what they see, which helps me through that part of the cycle. My ability to see things more clearly returns. You could say the 'blindness' is temporary. Knowing this can come as a relief
- Inner dialogue can become seriously brutal throughout the worst part of the cycle. With so called 'inner demons', they can seriously go to town on us, especially our inner critic. How to manage the critic in us when it's at its absolute worst can take a lot of strategy and skill. Personally, I can't always manage it alone. Most of the time I can but not always. I find people who can help me manage it tend to shift focus away from it, towards something else or towards some other part of me that's far less critical. When one of our inner demons (such as our inner critic) has our full attention, such attention tends to fuel it
- I've come to see emotions as being all telling. Trying to figure what each one is telling us can be incredibly difficult. Personally, I try not to use words such as 'angry', 'sad', 'happy' etc because they're too general. They tend to not pinpoint the true nature of an emotion. For example, I could say 'I feel angry' or I could say 'I'm feeling an enraging amount of intolerance'. With intolerance being the true emotion I'm feeling, I address intolerance and where it's coming from. I could say 'I feel sad' or I could say 'I'm feeling an overwhelming amount of grief'. Grief or a sense of loss is the true emotion. The question becomes 'What am I grieving over or what loss am I sensing here?'. Could it be a lost sense of self, a loss of direction or something else?
If it's true what they say, that life is something we're challenged to feel our way through, knowing exactly what each feeling or emotion is about is what helps fine tune our compass. Might sound a little flowery but it's our emotions that direct us to some degree. While I'm far from being a fan of depression, it always tends to tell me the same thing, 'You are not in a good place and you need to figure out how you got here, who or what led you here'. Until I figure it out, I can't move on. Finding people who are 'fast trackers' through dark or depressing parts of our path are key. While some mental heal professionals and people in general can have us going at what feels like a snails pace, others are natural fast trackers. The fast trackers tend to help our much needed revelations come faster and more frequently. A bit bold but you could always wonder at your psychiatrist 'Why are we not moving a little faster than this? I can't help but wonder'.
