A girl is bringing back my depression

[just_let_go]

Hi All, been a while.

A few months back I started on medication for my depression and anxiety and I had a great response to it. I went from being in a constant struggle every single day to feeling like my old self again just over a couple of months. I started seeing the light again and got over the issues that was troubling me horribly. I even started to get back into dating again...

And then I met her. This girl I knew through high school suddenly came into my life again. We met at a party, got talking, I got her number and we went out a week later. Everything went well. We went out a few more times, then more and more frequently. And then I realised that I had completely fallen for this girl. I cannot stop thinking about her. Every time she left my house I hated it. I just want to be with her all the time. So I did the only thing I could and I told her the way I felt. She said it's not a good time and she just wants to be friends. 

Okay that's her decision, fair enough, she did get out of a relationship about a month ago. But I'm still seeing her.  A lot. Like 3 - 4 times a week. She laughs at everything I say, we message each other constantly, she sends me flirty photos, whenever she comes over we end up cuddling on the couch. How is this what friends do? 

Bottom line is I just can't take it. My depression and anxiety have come right back because of this. The fact that she's become such a large part of my life yet she isn't my girlfriend is just killing me. She's hangs out with other guys sometimes too. That's when my anxiety and depression just goes insane. I guess i'm still hopeful that something might come out of this. Even her friends tell me that she likes me.

Everything was fine until she came into my life. Now the only time I feel good is when I'm with her or messaging her. Thanks for reading, I just really needed to vent this. 

Love hurts.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Ty

Love.  An emotion that is so incredibly strong.  It makes you feel like you could fly – it makes you feel that nothing else in the world matters.  It places so many “feel good” things inside us that we just ride this incredible journey, surrounded by everything so wonderful.

I hope by you posting this and getting it “out” has been beneficial to you.

My thought on this is that for the time being, are you able to continue on the same path as you’ve been travelling?  It seems clear that she enjoys your company – but she may have just been put on the back foot a little by you opening up to her.  However, as you say, you’re still seeing her and things still seem to be going ok, yeah?

Before she came along – were you ‘out and about’?   You know, going to clubs/bars, etc?   Were you, or are you involved in any sports activities, etc?   If you were and aren’t now, this could be a great time for you to get back into those activities. 

Not taking anything away from your ‘relationship’ with this girl;  but just to give you something else that can help either (a) occupy yourself and your mind;  or (b) who knows, doing something like that might make her want to take up some activity with you?  

Neil

[just_let_go]

Hi Neil, thanks for such a great reply.

It did help a little to post about it. I can keep down this path, I think it is my only option. Friends is better than nothing. I think you are right, it may have been a little too soon for me to say anything, but she really didn't seem too phased by it. We literally caught up the day after like nothing ever happened. 

Yes I was and am still out and about. I play sport, go to the gym, go out most weekends. I used to play a lot of music but I haven't been doing that as much. Maybe I should get back into it. 

I think you're definitely right about occupying my mind. I just can't stop thinking about her. 

I saw her last night, and after she left I ended up messaging her again and just seeing what her thoughts were. I couldn't take it any more. She seem adamant on just being friends. She said if something was to happen it would be for a very long time. She said the breakup killed every romantic bone in her body. 

I guess all I can do is be the best friend I can to her in this tough time. It's definitely going to be hard. I've never had feelings this strong for a girl in my life. 

[Neil_1]

Ty

Mate, this is sounding better than what I thought.  She's only coming down off a large and by the sound of bad break-up - and they can have big effects on people.

Right now, you're there as a friend for her and doing all the right things.  I know your feelings are massively more towards her than vice versa at the moment and that could be for some time.  A tongue in cheek approach to this would be to have lots of cold showers dude.

But keep being there for her.  And keep doing all that you're doing;  the things that you both enjoy.  Keep up with the banter and the jokes.  It's obvious there's a connection there.  But do keep your reins pulled tight so you don't go overboard and do or say something that might put a stick in the spokes.

Sport and gym and going out on weekends is BRILLIANT.  Keep up with that.  What is your instrument that you play?   I have a 16yo son who is going awesome with drumming - the only downside to that is:  he LOVES heavy metal or metal of any kind.  His dream is to get into a band and continue down the music industry path.  Tough gig, but we're behind him with it.  I think it might be sort of a case of being in the right place at the right time with something like this.

Mate, keep writing as well - would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[just_let_go]

Hi again Neil,

Yes she is mate. She's a really tough girl and is handling it well on the outside, but I think she's struggling more than she's willing to show. I'm just trying to be there for her when she needs it. She's opened up to me about it a few times which is a good thing. 

Yes I think you're right there. A LOT of cold showers. Did I mention that she's also absolutely gorgeous? The thing that makes this hard is I have never had feelings this strong for a girl. Ever. I can't stop thinking that if this doesn't happen I'll never find that same feeling again.

Yes I will. I feel selfish in a way, complaining about my feelings when she is going through a really tough time. I am there for her when she needs to talk, or hang out with someone, and always will be. Yes I'll tone it down. After we addressed it last night I said to her I'll leave it alone now. I should be seeing her tonight, so at least she (once again) took what I said last night well. 

I try to keep very active. I play the drums and the guitar! Haha, metal drummer is the best! 🙂 What bands is he into? Tool I hope 🙂 Man, sounds like he has found his passion and is motivated enough to follow it. That's special. I wish him all the best. Even if it doesn't work out, he'll have the time of his life doing it. 

Thanks again Neil, you've been very helpful. I hope you are doing well my friend. 

Ty

[Neil_1]

Ty

One day at a time for me - sometimes even it's hour by hour.  Pretty tough at the moment.

I figured as much - that she'd absolutely gorgeous.  🙂

Hey, and never feel as though you're being selfish - you've got feelings too and the person you've got to look out for the most in the world is YOU.  I've learnt that by being on here so often - or did I read it on the back of a Corn Flakes packet once upon a time.  I can't remember.

Oh man, the bands he's into is a plethora of some of the weirdest named bands - we have an interest in his drumming, but not that healthy an interest as to know some of the names.  It's the people who lead vocals that sound like wolves or some kind of monster - where they growl into the microphone - not good, but he LOVES it.  Yes, I also do think he's heard of Tool.

Hope you have a great weekend, and remember, we're here all the time (well, not literally, but you know what I mean).  Hang in there mate, you're doing great.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Ty, I'm so pleased that Neil has taken up and replied back to you, you're in very capable hands with him.

What I would like to add is that because she has come off a maybe steady relationship she would be hesitant in wanting to start another one, just for some reason it too may break up, and here I'm talking in general terms, and not necessarily meaning you, because for her to break her heart twice would be devastating.

You obviously get on very well, so just build on the strength that the two of you have together, because if you start pushing too much she may decide to think that it's not how she wants it to go.

Don't we all wish that there was a magic pill that caused us to love someone for eternity, maybe one day, the magic potion, but not yet, so it's the old cat and mouse that prevails.

I know that you want to be with her so much and this will develop over time, but at her pace, because she controls what and when it will happen, but keep on doing what you already are. Geoff.

[just_let_go]

Neil,

I can definitely relate mate. Just gotta keep at it. You've probably been though tougher times before and you know you'll pull through again. We're a tough bunch here aren't we? 

Haha, you cannot fault the endless wisdom of kelloggs. 

Oh wow, he's into some seriously heavy stuff. That is not easy drumming right there! If he can play along to that he is very talented. The growling grows on you. Well it did for me, I absolutely despised it but slowly I started to understand and appreciate the unique style that it is.  

Weekend is going good so far. I hung out with her last night. He and her friend cooked us all dinner and we just chilled out with my new kitten (Which she bought me) and watched movies. Going to my friends 24th birthday party tonight. Should be fun. Hope you have a top weekend too mate, and thank you so much. 

Hi Geoff, 

Yes agreed, he has been fantastic. 

You are absolutely right, and she has said just as much. I suppose what confuses me is she just seemed really keen to start something at first. But then I said I had feelings and she shut it down. I suppose I need to remember that girls think and act differently to us, and I'm not going to understand her completely. 

Yes I know. I probably shouldn't have said anything. It was too soon, but it was just eating me up. I suppose I didn't want to miss the opportunity. I'll just keep riding the wave for now. See what happens. Thank you for the reply mate, really appreciate it.

We've been messaging today, and she goes, "I want you to talk to at least 3 girls tonight." Man, that hurt. It was just the final sign to say she's not interested. i took it as her way of saying please find a girl so you'll stop bothering me about it. Ugh, It really stung. 

[geoff]

dear Ty, well maybe or maybe not, if she had said, 'go find another girl tonight' then yes, however she is making it much harder for you, so what does this mean for you, does she want to play the field and that's why she said it.

Being in love and attracted to someone because of their personality is one thing, but her beauty and being so gorgeous is always what first draws us to someone, because if some beauty walks into the room don't we all go 'whow'.

The ball is still in your court, it's it always frustrating. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dear Ty, sorry to enter the conversation so late but I've just come back after being offline force a week or so. You are obviously a very sensitive, compassionate, gentle, patient & understanding guy. It sounds like this girl knows that but may fear commitment at this stage especially if she was in a previous relationship that left her very hurt. She could be feeling vulnerable & protecting herself from being hurt again. I'd guess she definitely has feelings force you or she wouldn't be spending so much time with you or doing things together. I'm not being negative in what I'm about to say but just out of concern for you given your on a bit of a roller coaster ride-can I suggest that you perhaps keep a brief record of the times you feel anxious and/or depressed? I suggest this because for you personally, it's a top priority to look after your mental health-especially when your vulnerable yourself & don't want to crash.  Just keep a date, time & reason if you know one as to why your feeling different moods & feelings-this includes anxiety/depression, happiness, fear, doubt, excitement & so on. And make sure you keep up with your mess (if your on any) & regular therapy sessions (if you see a counsellor). It's a good idea to be able to talk about & express what your feeling. I guess in a nutshell I'm saying keep your own safety nets in place. It's so important & I think you know that because the title of your post was something like "girl causing my depression". I know you are doing all the giving in the relationship at the moment & that's something you need to monitor. Because if you spend all your time & energy focused on her then your own needs could be overlooked & that's why it's important you protect yourself by being aware of your feelings. If you feel yourself getting down look at your "mood monitor" list & be sure to see your Gp or support person. On the front page Beyond Blue has a list of Gps specially trained in treating depression & recommended by BB. There's also the 24hr chatline if you want to talk things over -and of course your friends here on the forum. And we genuinely care, don't judge & just offer our support & suggestions. We may be reaching out by computer but our compassion & care far you is no less. I hope I've made sense in what I've suggested & don't ever feel obliged to take my or anyone's advice. I'm simply trying to offer ideas that may or may not be useful. Take care & look forward to hearing how your going. Lve Mares x