A complex day

[LarkAscending]

I'm not after support as such right now; I just wanted to share what happened to me this weekend, because a lot of it was new to me.

I'm going through a heavy-drinking-at-home-on-weekends phase to deal with boredom and loneliness. (I know that's a terrible reason to drink.. I'm going to just cut it out altogether for a month or two starting today.) I was feeling relaxed and comfortable enough last night to check in with my ex on social media. She's just had a baby with her new partner, and given it the same name she and I had chosen for our prospective kids.. ouch! Anyway, some part of me knew exactly when she was due and it had been hanging over me, so I'm glad it's happened, and that I saw the baby photos at a time of my choosing, rather than having them pop up unexpectedly.

This morning I was pretty wobbly and thought I'd perk myself up with a couple of strong coffees. Unfortunately the cafe was playing Amy Winehouse's Back to Black, which is a) my ex's favourite song; b) about a devastating breakup and coping by drug abuse; c) by someone who had a heartbreaking life and died far too young.

The whole thing tipped me into a full-scale panic attack, the worst I've ever had. My parents dropped around with a care package (I'm in my early 40s, but I ain't too proud to turn down free homecooked food!) and talked about potplants. Trying to distract me with smalltalk when I'm trying to avoid being crushed by the elephant in the room. It was a disaster and I almost told them to leave. I broke the family taboo on admitting to mental illness, which is causing me a lot of (undeserved) shame. But they did offer to drive me to a national park, where I walked by myself for a few hours. It's nice - there's a lot of wildlife, flowers, other walkers to say hello to - and movement and nature (and a couple of benzo tablets) were exactly what I needed. I called my parents once I'd calmed down and explained how to better support me if/when that happens again.

I finished the day with a (non-dodgy) massage, to ease the loneliness through physical contact. And now I'm back on an even keel.

Lessons?

* Just don't drink

* Organise Friday and Saturday night social activities in advance

* I'm gradually developing intuitions about self-care, which is a good step

* Being witnessed to is a powerful need. My parents' mis-step completely broke me.

[Doolhof]

Hi LarkAscending,

It is great that despite all that happened or maybe because of it, you have been able to pinpoint what did and didn't work and have made a list of things you have learned from the experiences.

A massage can certainly help with the lack of person to person body contact, not to mention the benefits they can have on our bodies.

It is tough when a sense of shame goes with our mental health issues. There is nothing to be ashamed about, it is an illness, not something we choose, something that happens to us.

The National Park sounds lovely. I am missing my walks as I currently have my foot in a moon boot! I'm not able to drive either, so feel a bit stuck! I might Google National Parks later and take a virtual walk!

Cheers to you from Dools

[LarkAscending]

On the other hand, Monday was great! I had a TMS treatment in the morning, which I seem to be becoming accustomed to, then tried something new for my studies - went to the state library and hung out in the majestic wood-panelled reading rooms surrounded by old books and other people studying. I normally have terrible concentration/motivation problems, but I was more productive yesterday than I've been in over a year. Some of that is the nearing of deadlines and the motivating fear of failure, but there was also a very positive aspect to it as well. I think the environment helped. I'm back on my no-caffeine policy of last week. I had to clamp down on my excitement and force myself to take at least some breaks lest I get too wound up. I haven't had to do that in a while. I worked late and had a good late night gym session. Then couldn't sleep, so now I'm exhausted and wired 🤣. You have to just laugh.. it's one or the other recently!

(to answer the obvious question, no, my psychiatrist hasn't diagnosed me with bipolar I or II!)

Lessons:

* when the excitement comes along, don't get too carried away - maintain my normal productivity disciplines even though it feels like I'm walking away from a positive emotion and productivity that might not come back

* wind down deliberately at the end of every day, even if I'm still buzzing

* late night gym workouts.. best just to go home, slow down and go back the next morning

[Doolhof]

Hi LarkAscending,

Congratulations on Monday being a better day for you and also for trying a different venue to help with your study.

It is great you are able to determine what is working and what still needs to be tweaked like the gym session for instance. It does sound like an earlier session might be best for you.

I do wonder if it might be determined by the exercises that you do at the gym as well at different times? I can imagine that pumping weights or doing highly repetitive tasks might have you more wound up then say doing stretches, riding the bikes or using the rowing machines. Something to consider.

I might take on your approach and consider what lessons I can learn each day! Cheers, thanks for that.

From Dools

[quirkywords]

larkAscender

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences and insights into your behaviour.

Like Mrs Dool Imlike the idea of reflecting on what lessons I have learnt every day.

This gives you a chance to examine with out blaming youself if things do t work out. you can see it is a lesson and try to learn from it.

i sometimes he bogged down in what I didn’t do or what I did too much instead of looking at my behaviour as something I can learn from,.

Thanks again for your honesty in sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Quirky

[LarkAscending]

Turns out the rest of the week wasn't nearly as positive or productive. I'd organised a couple of reward social events for myself after getting the final assignment in on Wednesday, but neither was as rewarding as I'd hoped. I'd hoped they'd give me a little bit of positive emotion and momentum to work out what to do next with my life. I didn't get that out of them, and the last two days have just been wandering around wondering what to do, tired and aching in body and mind. I've had four TMS treatment sessions this week and that's really all I have to hope for at the moment. Another three weeks of this and we'll see if things get better.

I can't shake the feeling that what I'm doing for myself isn't enough, or isn't the right thing. I've been stuck in this place for a very long time. I'm pretty good at keeping on, but I'm running out of treatment options, and slowly running out of time to live a fulfilling life. I've starting asking myself "what if I don't get the top couple of things on my bucket list? Can I make my peace with that?" It's that line from Thoreau that has scared the daylights out of me since I heard it - "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Fits me to a T, and horrifies me.

[LarkAscending]

It's been a horror couple of weeks. I caught up with my ex last Saturday (she's still my closest friend) and suddenly there was a lot of chemistry happening, at least from my side. Given that I'd broken things off in January, that shocked me. Suddenly I was back to being a 15 year wracked by hope on one side and the terror of rejection and pain on the other. I've only slept 4-5 hours a night since then and have been getting more and more tired. I arranged to catch up with her this weekend to talk about what happened. I've written her a letter which I might just give to her, rather than hope that I'm not just numb when we meet. She's been out the last few nights; on dates or with friends, I don't know. I've cancelled a few catchups this evening to just go home because I was so tired, but it did leave me alone with my thoughts and loneliness on a Friday night.

I've been in bed trying to sleep and fighting down panic and pain for the last two hours. This hasn't happened to me since I was 24 - I really thought I was past that stage of my life. I've taken half an off the shelf sleeping tablet and I'm waiting for it to kick in. It'll make tomorrow unpleasant, but tonight was unbearable.

On the positive side, I could have easily drunk two bottles of wine to numb the anxiety and pain, but I didn't. I did 40 minutes of mindfulness practice which finally calmed me down, then watched standup comedy for two hours to distract me until bedtime. So that's an improvement in my coping skills. And I think the reason this is happening now is that my various treatments are tearing me open in good ways and bad. It just resurfaces a lot of bad stuff along the way and suddenly I'm reliving traumatic childhood or adolescent memories, as well as going through the relationship angst of a much younger version of myself.

I really hope this calms down soon. Either we talk on the weekend and I get some resolution, or I cut myself off and try to survive. I really need to work out how to get myself some more supportive friends, but it's a bit chicken-and-egg when you have depression and anxiety.