36, alone, unloved and ready to give up

wolfee81 · ‎22-01-2017

I write this knowing that there are far more people worse off than me - but I can't help wondering what if I was no longer here, the stress would be less for my parents Dad 74 & Mum 68, still living with them, work situation - dead end job where I'm expendable and devalued and forever worried that my job will end without much notice. No love life what so ever and no one seeming interested. Little money so would not be much of a catch anyway.

Forever worried about myself or people around me dying suddenly. Feeling something is seriously wrong health wise with me but scared to go to doctors to find out. My only saviour is a gorgeous 4 year old Labrador but Im in constant fear of losing him - got him when I was long term unemployed and he saved my life, I had a purpose, wake up walk the dog, look for work during the day, and in afternoon socialise the dog at the park, lately I haven't been near dog park and miss the interaction with the people but my dog was attacked a couple of times and while okay does get very nervous in the parks now and if I lose him I won't have anything left 😞 Ironic hey, a dog that is just as anxious as its owner

I don't want to talk to family about my issues as I will scare them too much if they knew how I was really feeling. Im a pretty guarded/ shy person and find it hard to make friends and even then, why would I lump them with my problems, I'm fearful of going back to work also, have a review coming up in the next couple of months and I'm unsure of how that will go. Have been there 3 years in Feb but don't get the sense that I'm liked. I'm a very strong willed person who lives by a set of rules that is a mixture of my upbringing and rules that I have made as I have gone along in life. Lots of people I work with don't have the same thinking or willingness to try and understand me and this puts me on the outside of the group.

I have noticed over the last month or so that my thoughts are causing my sleep to be less and less although when working I don't have much nightly sleep anyway (about 4-5 hours a night). Lately though its been bad dreams and just a constant state of worry about money that causes disturbances in my sleep. Some nights I will go to bed and hours later I am still lying there thinking and worrying whats next: illness, car breakdown, loss of job, loss of family, I wish I could just jump out of my head for a while.

Well I've wasted enough of your times, feel free to offer advice

Depressed24 · ‎22-01-2017

Hi my name is Rachel. I m 24 years old I m sad and single I have tried internet dating but no one is accepting me just because I got bipolar 1 schizophrenia paranoid type with PTSD . If you want to talk to me I m here. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother I hate one Auntie cause she is nosey and another Auntie she left her kids my cousins when I was 11 my sister was 12 at the time and we never saw them again and when we do we cant talk to them cause my Auntie is obsessed by them in a way . I live with my parents. I have 2 dogs 1 cat and 4 birds . my 2 sisters we see but my brother we don't see . So please talk if you want to your not alone out there okay.

Kazzl · ‎22-01-2017

Welcome to the forum wolfee (and hi Rachel). It's lovely to meet you.

I understand how exhausting and scary it is to have worries constantly playing on your mind. It takes all your energy and can blind you to the good things in life. I also understand you wantng to protect your parents and family by not worrying them. But you know hun, sometimes when we think we're hiding things we're not really, and they might already be concerned about you and too scared to ask if you're OK.

Keeping our worries and fears and general sense of things 'not being right' locked up inside does not help us, in my experience. It allows them to grow and become much worse, and can lead to the kind of thoughts you're having about 'what if I wasn't here'. And that's no good hun, it's twisted thinking - and I know it well. In the past I have had thoughts that I would be doing my family a favour if I died. Once I came through that despressive state I realised what a lie that was! Depression talking. My family would have been devastated and my kids might never have got over it - same with your family hun. Your parents would not be better off in any way. They would spend the rest of their lives in utter misery.

So, I think you need to get your worries and down thoughts out of your head and into the open - you've made a very good start by posting here. I'd suggest you speak openly to your doctor. And perhaps you should call our helpline on 1300 22 4636 and speak with trained mental health professionals.

The sooner you get some help, the sooner you can start to see the joy in life again hun and better manage the things that are on too of you at the moment.

I hope you'll stay with us here too - you've already made a lovely friend in Rachel, and there are many more in this community who understand and care.

Best wishes to you

Kaz

Quiettall · ‎22-01-2017

Hi Wolfee

I sympathise and understand your plight. It feels like you are boxed in with no way out? I have been through similar experiences as have many others. It is good you are posting here. Can I suggest you think about one small but positive change or thing you can do different or achieve without having to spend much money if any. For example, undertaking some gentle regular daily exercise. It not only is good for your healtyh, but I find for some reason it gives you a new fresh perspective, gets you out of a rut and you start to see other things you might be interested in doing. Recently I took up bike riding in early morning. It was a huge struggle to get out of bed and actually do it. But after breaking through, it has become a highlight for the day where I take a 30-60 minute ride through the local area, and really enjoy the early morning, say hello to different walkers and joggers. I come back absolutely exhausted, but feel satisfied I have achieved something different, yet simple. I have found my physique has changed, tighter gut, lost about 5 kg and am now trying to address eating things that I shouldnt, such as snacks, too much bread, dairy etc. It is hard to adopt a different discipline, but once I do, I find my whole perspective on life changes.,

Keep posting here and hope my comments have helped.

StewartC · ‎22-01-2017

Hey Wolfee,

Your not alone mate. I identified with quite a lot in your post. I have similar fears and concerns and they just don't seem to want to leave my thinking sometimes. But, my fears for the future most often don't actually turn out the way my thinking suggests.

You haven't wasted my time, you have actually helped me to realise further that I am not alone .

Keep posting Mate

White_Rose · ‎22-01-2017

Hello Wolfee

Welcome to Beyond Blue. So glad you wrote in here. And hello to Rachel, good to meet you.

I want to put a couple of things into perspective. While it's true other people may be worse off than you in some way, this does not mean you are worth less. Sadly, we all have problems large and small, but we cope with them in different ways, some more easily than offers. So please, accept that because others appear to have a more difficult time, for you at this time, life is hard.

Well now I've got that off my chest... I love dogs. Until I moved to my present home we always had dogs around. Such loving animals and so comforting when we are unhappy. Usually they had a mixed ancestry but were no less precious.

I see you describe yourself as strong-willed. That's an excellent attribute. Can you use that to help you get out of your current rut? Small steps to start with. How about keeping a journal of your feelings and activities. This is just for you, no one else will read it. What ever comes into your mind you can write about. The difference between simply thinking about your life and trying to work out where to go next and writing down these thoughts is enormous.

Keeping all the thoughts up there in your mind makes them wind round and round until you are completely confused. Writing slows down your thinking because you need time to commit the thoughts to paper.It's almost like having a conversation with yourself with gaps which allow you to think more clearly. When you have finished writing about something, read it, possibly even out loud. Read them to your dog. Listen to what has been written. The thoughts sound entirely different to those in your mind.You feel differently about what has been said and get a better perspective of it all.

This is a very helpful way to look more objectively at what is happening. You can add small goals to your writing and how to carry out these goals. Then note when you have achieved them. It can be very satisfying. Perhaps you can write about your fears of going to work or dying. What makes you uneasy about these things.

You have not wasted anyone's time. We are here to help and support you as much as possible. Please continue to write in here. There is a great deal of wisdom among the folk who write to you and lots of experience gained from each person's personal struggle to make sense of life. Join the party.

Mary

Depressed24 · ‎22-01-2017

Hi how are everyone today on Beyond Blue hopefully were all having a good day

White_Rose · ‎22-01-2017

Hello Rachel

Thank you for asking. I don't know how everyone else is going but I am OK. How is life treating you? I am making dresses for my granddaughters and decided I needed a break. So I came here to see what's cooking.

If you would like to chat with us, particularly if you have an issue you want to think about, may I suggest you start a new thread. I say this because others may miss you posts if they are put here. By all means continue here in support of Wolfee. I hope to see you around.

Mary