29 y/o virgin who failed at everything in life, I feel like giving up

[frog93]

Hi, it's my first post, sorry if it's in the wrong place. I really need help, please. I've been depressed for so long, every day I feel so much regret and sadness that it hurts physically in my chest. I can't keep living like this.

Even though I'm almost 30 I haven't achieved anything at all with my life. I'm worthless and a loser and I don't deserve to be alive. I still live with my mother, no job, no experience, no education beyond high school, no relationship. It's a long story... I was abused as a child / teenager and was traumatised, for over 10 years I've been crippled by anxiety and depression. This year I finally tried to get help, I was on medication and have talked to two psychologists, I've made progress in some ways but I know it's never going to "fix" me.

I know I need to get a job and move out, I know that should be the priority. But please, I just want to know how to deal with the regret, especially around relationships and being a virgin... I've missed out on so much. I'm never going to get to experience so many things that other young people do. It feels like my life is utterly pointless from here and I shouldn't even bother trying. I've missed out on the best part of life already, even if I somehow fixed everything from here, I can never get that time back and it will never be the same. It's so painful and it makes me not want to be here anymore. Not only that but the older you get the harder it is to meet people, it's most likely I'll die a virgin and never experience love. 

Maybe worst of all is how I always compare myself to others now, which I know is bad but I can't help it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren in my family, and yet I'm the only one who doesn't have a relationship. My sisters and cousins all have partners, all before me, some of them are over 10 years younger than me, it's so depressing. Also seeing couples together everywhere I go makes me cry, it hurts, I just want to be like them. Being alone your whole life and being a virgin at my age is just so shameful. 

Please, how can I stop feeling this way?

[Sophie_M]

Dear frog93
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We can hear that you have experienced so much heartache frog93, living with trauma can impact us in so many different ways.  It's good to hear that you successfully engaged with psychological support after which you made some progress.  Whilst therapy does not rid of that trauma, it can help to find ways in which to live with the trauma in a healthy and safe way, giving you that sense of of control and self-worth on your journey to better mental health.  Please give yourself the credit you deserve for your efforts so far and remember to be kind to yourself.
 
While you wait for our lovely community members to respond, please know that we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hey frog! Welcome to the forums. 
I'm really glad you joined up and hope this is the first step in creating a beautiful future for yourself. 

You asked, "Please, how can I stop feeling this way?"
The simple answer is stop thinking this way. 

Simply put, take every one of your statements above and turn them on their head. 

EG instead of feeling hurt by seeing couples everywhere, feel HAPPY that others have that kind of relationship. 

You can definitely change EVERY unhelpful thought you have. 
If it's not helping you then bin it. 

Then replace it. 

Your past ways of thinking have led you down a negative spiral. 
The opposite thinking, then acting upon your thoughts, create a positive spiral UPWARDS. 

I'm SO PROUD of you seeking support from 2 Psychologists for the first time. 
Listening then ACTING on their guidance will help you TONS. 
In between times there are so many other things like researching and DOING these things that will fill in the rest. 

You know all this already. 

Re: the past. 
The abuse was NOT your fault. That's all on the abuser(s)... the rub is now to realise the hold you've allowed this time to have over you and take responsibility for your own life. You survived! That's a wonderful thing! 
Now to CREATE. 

It's like you were in a chrysalis for a long while, and now you're ready to embark upon the world as the beautiful butterfly you were always intended to be. 

What is the next best step you can take? 
It's up to you. It's your creation. 
Have FUN with this! 

Love EM

[therising]

Hi frog 93

To wake up to a longing can be such a painful experience. You definitely sound like you're in a lot of pain. There is nothing that compares to the feeling of 'heartbreak', that pain in the chest that is a deep soulful pain. It is a torturous pain at times.

Society has a habit of grading and degrading, which can be a serious fault. Easy to say but try not to grade yourself on a faulty scale set by society. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who dictates it is should be questioned. There are many virgins within certain areas of society. Their commitment to celibacy is a matter of choice and something they take great pride in. Whether non sexual activity with a partner is a matter or choice or not, there is something to be said about taking a level of maturity (not present in our teens or 20s) into a committed relationship. There are benefits to it.

When we leave the nest is another matter. Some are eager to leave, whereas others stay for a number of reasons: To be of help to their parent/s (as carers), to remain with live-in guides in their life, out of fear and mental health issues based on past trauma (staying for much needed support), a lack of direction etc. The question becomes 'Have you remained for good reason?'. If so, don't degrade yourself for having remained for good reason.

I think we can basically feel a longing for years and not feel it so strongly, to the point where it drives us toward change. Then when we fully wake up to a longing to grow beyond who we are, to grow in ways we begin to crave, it can be deeply felt. While there is a temptation to regret the past, I believe we are much better off employing the idea 'The best is yet to come'. As a 52yo gal, I look forward to life, with this mantra. I don't fear turning a certain age, I embrace it while believing the best may still be ahead of me. I can't say that it's not, with absolute certainty.

It's sounds like you may be now on the verge of managing all that you long for. How to manage it becomes the question.

[frog93]

Thank you all so much for the replies and for being nice about this. I always feel so ashamed talking about this stuff. It's like I feel bad about these things but then also feel bad about letting it get to me, I should be stronger and able to cope with this better, sorry 😞 

Thanks Sophie for the warm welcome. You're so right about therapy, I know it can never change or fix my past but it has helped me in some ways already. Just a year ago I had panic attacks at the thought of driving somewhere on my own, but now I can go places without too much fear. I also joined the gym which I never thought I would be able to do. I'm happy that I've been able to make some progress, it just feels like the bigger things (like getting a job) are still out of reach, but hopefully I can get there. I'm not sure how much longer I can see the psychologist, I only started because I inherited some money but I can't afford it much longer so I will try to make the most of it. 

[frog93]

Hi Eco, thanks very much. I can tell you know a lot about this stuff because that's exactly what my psychologist says too! She's taught me a lot about taking the time to stop and analyse my negative thoughts and to try and reframe them. Sometimes I just feel so down that I can't do it and I end up spiralling, but usually I do better. For most of my life I really did feel happy for others, I genuinely was so happy for all my old friends when they got married and had kids. But over time I guess the loneliness and depression just gets worse and worse and I wish I could experience what everyone else has. It's especially bad when I see people much younger than me, it hurts so much. I just think why couldn't I have been like them? Why am I like this? Why am I so different? But of course, that thinking gets me nowhere. I'll keep working on being more positive. 

I really appreciate you saying it wasn't my fault. I am glad I survived, because for many years I truly wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. Many nights I fell asleep with two 0's dialled. I think what I subconsciously blame myself for is taking so long to get over everything and that's where the regret comes from. Hopefully I can make the most of what I have left and maybe be happy someday, thank you. 

[frog93]

Hey therising, thank you so much for acknowledging it 😞 It seems like you really understand this pain so well. That's exactly right, it's the most deep hurt, like when you lose a loved one. I often think it can't be healthy for you physically to feel this way, but it's not always something you can control of course. 

That's very true about society. I think it's a big part of why I feel so much shame. I remember watching a talk about how society is largely portrayed or interpreted as being "meritocratic", meaning that people end up roughly where they "deserve" to. So, the people who work the hardest end up on top, and those who fail or don't put in the effort end up on the bottom. It means that you feel extra proud when you succeed, but extra down when you fall behind, like I have. Society isn't actually like this in reality though of course, because people don't start on an even playing field, don't get the same opportunities, and life is always going to be random. It's just the way it can feel and it contributes a lot to shame and FOMO and comparing to others. I think it applies to the virginity / relationship thing as well. Because it feels like I'm not good enough, like I have no value and I must be at the bottom (which I guess I probably am). 

I love how you've phrased the part about staying home for a good reason, that's a good way of looking at it. I think yes, it's not that I've stayed home because I wanted to, it's that I genuinely haven't felt able to leave. I know it's pathetic and I've always been so ashamed of it, but that's the way it is. 

I hope the best is yet to come, I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'll do everything a lot later than most people. It won't ever be the same, but it could always be worse I suppose. Thanks again

[therising]

Hi frog93

I believe, with sensitivity comes a lot of abilities, including the ability to feel so deeply. For 'sensitives' it's so easy to feel or get a feel for things. Of course, there can be a down side to this which definitely requires a lot of management at times. Being sensitive to what is potentially stressful and/or depressing can be quite a challenge, that's for sure. Being sensitive to what feels heartbreaking can become pretty depressing at times. Having developed greater understanding of my sensitivity over the years has led me to understand that the heartbreak can often be about elements of grief, more specifically grieving for a lost sense of self. Unless I can manage to gain/develop a new sense of self, it can feel like being stuck in limbo between the old and the new. Limbo is a torturous place to be, as it can entail a lot of reflection and sometimes brutal self analysis. It's, without a doubt, hard to find a new sense of self especially when you're not entirely sure of the aspect of self you're actually searching for (which will make all the difference) or when you've got no key people leading you to make better sense of exactly what you're looking for.

Society in general tends to trigger me somewhat, which is I suppose what's led me to be a fully contented introvert. I'm happy to keep to myself to the degree that I do, while not having my self measured, graded or degraded. It doesn't bother me too much these days, being degraded. I figure 'Hey, that's their system or scale not mine'. I've found there's a freedom in breaking free from all that kind of measurement (age, performance, beliefs, size etc). Much easier to fall in love with your natural self when you give yourself the freedom to be who you are. Took me decades to get to this point. Was not easy by any means. For sure, there are still moments that test me, testing me to see how free I actually am from all that kind of measurement. There are times I find I'm still influenced or impacted by society's scales. I think we have to learn to not beat our self up too much while we're in the process of becoming more conscious, learning what we need to learn. I am yet to find a perfect 'student' of life who knows it all.

[sbella02]

Frog93,

What a touching post. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, we really appreciate it. Welcome to the forums. I can see others have already offered some beautiful advice, and I'm here to contribute my own, as somebody who's pretty much just entered my twenties. 

I commend you for starting medication and having a chat to a few psychologists, that takes a lot of courage. I'm so sorry to hear about your trauma, what an awful thing to go through. A psychologist or therapist may be able to offer some professional, longer-term coping strategies in this regard, but my short-term solution that has helped me whenever I'm struggling or thinking back to my own traumas is journaling. Writing out our feelings can have such an impact, it can really help us consolidate some of the more difficult emotions as well as express thoughts we may refrain from saying aloud. 

There's no right or wrong pace for life, quite simply. It's easy to say that, but the more I go through life, the more I realise that even the most accomplished adults still have moments where they don't know what they're doing or where they're going. I assure you that it's quite normal to have those feelings of inadequacy or lack of accomplishment. For instance, I thought I was slow for still having never had a first kiss by age 16. I know that society has garnered this strong stigma around virginity but in actuality, there should be no rush with this either. Nothing changes after losing it. 

I want to ask you something: what's something in your life that you've felt proud of? It could be something as simple as making a conscious effort to do a good deed for somebody every once in a while, or perhaps finishing something you thought you'd never complete. If nothing comes to mind immediately, I challenge you to find three things tomorrow that you can accomplish, big or small. These kinds of little achievements can bring us such joy, this is one piece of advice I've consistently been given whenever I'm feeling a little inadequate. 

Your life is so valuable, I hope you know that. Reaching out to us is a fantastic start, and I hope that this advice resonates with you and can inspire you to take more steps towards preserving your wellbeing. 

Take care, precious soul. SB

[frog93]

Hi therising

That's so true, I think I am quite sensitive too and feel things very deeply. I'm not as bad anymore, but I used to cry just watching cute animal videos online, I don't know why, I get easily overwhelmed emotionally. I guess feeling things deeply is why the depression and sadness feels so crippling sometimes, life just feels hopeless and insurmountable.

I think what you're describing is exactly what I've always wanted to say but never knew how to put it. Grieving my past self and not having a new version to work on. I remember my Dad saying to me back when I was maybe 18 that all I was doing in life was "treading water", I wasn't moving forward or going anywhere, just existing and holding on. And unfortunately it's still the case over 10 years later. I've been stuck in that limbo for so long and I don't know how to get out. It's hard because as you say, you tend to focus inwards and criticise yourself harshly which just perpetuates it I think.

It's understandable and I really respect that, I wish I could be content on my own as well. I just, I feel so unfulfilled and empty, like life on my own is so pointless. I know there's more to life and maybe it's possible to fill that void with a job and hobbies you're passionate about, but for me being alone just feels... wrong. Like I'm not supposed to be like this. Obviously having never had a relationship I don't know how it feels to have a partner, but I think part of it is the need to care for and love someone else as well. I want to make someone else happy too. Hopefully with time it won't be so bad and I can learn to feel alright about myself regardless.