Where to go from here?

[Uniopia]

Let me start by saying over a year ago my life changed, then changed me and not for the better. Both of my parents passed within 5 weeks of one another. I moved across the country 4 days after my mother passed. Then I turned into a mess. Husband and I have been together since we were 20, so 25yrs and we have one child. I have become paranoid, checking both his work and personal phone every night when he is asleep. Looking for something, and I found it. A girl he indirectly works with. Nothing scandalous, yet I looked her up. Everywhere! She is blonde, thin and kind of pretty. She has brought my husband coffee from another office. Then I deep dived. Looked into her more. She has fake nose and further down if you get my drift. I then one night looked at his work ph google searches and up she pops with a provocative pic on LinkedIn. Just the one pic. I confronted him, so he knew I knew. He said I was jealous. Yet, somehow, after all of these years, I have NEVER questioned him or snooped until my parents passing. It’s almost as though something chemical changed in my brain. (He had an explanation for the search, which seems legitimate.) Anyway, I watch his every move. I watch him on ‘find my phone’ even though I know he is at work then straight home to me and our child. He went away overnight and I cried, and that was to another state 6hrs away back to back flights. Why? I never was like this. I have also found I hover over my son a little too much. Is this all related to my parents passing? I just feel angry all of the time and put on a good show when need be. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Uniopia,

Welcome to the forums.

Really sorry for your loss. That in itself must have been a very emotional time for you.

Grief can take its toll and it can also bring up memories of the past good and bad.

Although my mother is still alive, I lost my father in 2011 and this put such an emotional strain on me. I haven’t had anything to do with her or my siblings since. It bought back memories of my mother having an affair but also memories of domestic violence that my father subjected her to. I wanted to have good memories of my dad as he was also a very loving supportive father yet also capable of abuse and violence. My parents had a very hard marriage. 

With regards to your husband, calling you jealous, seems very immature. Why would he suggest that you would be jealous of someone who he works with unless he possibly may have confided something to her. Did he say anything to alleviate your concerns?

I know for a fact that my husband of 36 years has had at least 3 affairs. 2 were short, just sex, but the most recent affair was about a year. That was in 2018 to 2019. But he lied about it. Even though I moved out and left him in 2019, he was still hoping that we would reconcile. Hence why he lied to me about the length of the affair. He had no intention to have a relationship with the other women, she too just offered him no strings attached sex. They didn’t actually date outside of the bedroom and he was embarrassed to be seen with her. In his own words, she was trashy. Same thing… fake hair, fake lashes, fake nails, fake lips altogether he complained about her flat chest. So their relationship was just fake. He also didn’t like the fact that she slept around. Double standards on both their part as her husband left her for another woman so it was ok for her to sleep with married men. She also called herself Ángel. I know it sounds sickening.

After I left my husband in 2019, I had dreams of my dad, over and over again and I was waking up at 3am very night, wondering why he was in my dreams. It was at that same time that I learnt of my husband’s affair. I don’t believe in the afterlife or anything like that, but it seemed at the time that my dad was trying to warn me about something. It made me open my eyes alright. As my husband was trying to maintain a relationship with me in order to manipulate me and keep his affair going. Although he had grown tired of the other woman but he wanted his cake and eat it. 

I am not suggesting that your husband has done anything wrong but we are often blindsided. My husband is a malignant narcissist and he can’t change. I see him manipulating everyone every day and all of the time. I moved back in with him and my son in 2021, but we are not happy and far from reconciled. I am afraid that our relationship is beyond repair.

I don’t know where you go to from here and I truly hope that your husband isn’t being deceptive. Not all husbands are like mine. 

Take care 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[One_More_Day]

Hi Uniopia,

You poor thing, that must just be devastating, deepest condolences for your loss. There are five stages of grief which would explain the anger your feeling but not necessarily the jealousy...that could be menopause? Men do like the attention of other women, especially if they are feeling ignored, but also because it puffs up their egos. You know him well however, so know the signs suggesting something's not quite right. If you still love each other and value what you have, that will rise above everything. Maybe it's time you all took a holiday? 

What a tidal wave of sadness and loss you must be experiencing. Be gentle on yourself. Soak in the bath for a while, get lost in a book, have a fun family day, something, to break the cycle and reconnect you all. Or just sleep for a while and hide under the covers...be gentle on yourself.

You never stop grieving loved ones, and I know it's easier to say than do, but celebrating each day is like celebrating their life as well. Hard to do, especially for a lot of the people on these forums who are really stuck. Even just smiling...it is amazing how much better it makes you feel.

Give yourself time to mourn and let your husband support you.

OMD.