Various Personal Musings for the Silly Season...

[Unbeliever]

THE PROCECUTION OF THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL KNOWN AS SANTA CLAUS

Ladies and gentlemen of the court of Australia,

Today, we are here to put forward a formal proposal for the capture, prosecution and incarceration of Mr. Kris Kringle, better known worldwide by his criminal handle “Santa Claus”. This individual has been blatantly breaking countless laws both here in our sovereign nation and internationally for decades, possibly even centuries. Although, this cannot be confirmed.

For too many years this criminal has been blatantly entering Australia illegally without a valid visa or via a designated port of entry and deliberately bypassing all of Australia’s border protection security. In addition, it has been reported that he also brings numerous undocumented reindeer into our country regularly without adhering to our countries strict quarantine regulations. These untested animals could risk exposing our vulnerable native animals to any number of dangerous foreign parasites and diseases which potentially could be devastating to our indigenous populations. As Mr. Johnny Depp has recently discovered, such a risk to our native species cannot and will not be tolerated here in Australia regardless of an individual’s “fame” or “celebrity” status.

In addition, over the years Mr. Kringle has accumulated several million counts of smuggling, non-declaration of goods, import tax avoidance and the illegal importation of large amounts of untested goods without the required permits. These imported items have not undergone any kind of quality control or safety tests that are required by law to be performed by the Department of Immigration and Border Protection. Regulations which exist for the sole purpose of protecting our citizens from potential harm.

It should also be noted that it must be assumed that since Mr. Kringle apparently makes all his items at his own personal factory in an unknown location, that many of the items that he distributes obviously must be counterfeit knockoffs of famous brand names not endorsed by the legitimate companies that manufacture them. We have pursued lines of enquiry to a number of these companies, but are still awaiting any official reply. However, the prosecution reserves the right to pursue this at a later date as new evidence comes to light.

[Unbeliever]

In a matter of public interest, the prosecution would also like to add that the importation and distribution of millions of items into Australia completely undermines the local economy with an overabundance of goods. At this time of worldwide economic uncertainty, when so many Australian businesses are struggling to make ends meet, this heinous act can mean the difference between our local manufacturers surviving or having to file for bankruptcy. This is devastating when you consider that December is one of the most important shopping periods of the entire year and Mr. Kringle’s actions inevitably leads to workers having to be laid off and forced to join the unemployment queue. Even if he is giving away these items for free as has been reported by his supporters, this small gesture simply cannot make up for the loss of employment by so many people who are no longer able to pay their bills or support their families after he has gone on his merry way.

We also have evidence of several million counts of breaking and entering, trespass and the illegal surveillance of minors, even when they are sleeping. We have also been provided with satellite footage of Mr. Kringle breaking Australian flightpath regulations by not reporting his position and destination to Australian Air Traffic Control, in disregard to the hundreds of lives that could be lost in the event of a mid-air plane/sleigh collision. The prosecution can only assume that his apathetic attitude towards the lives of our citizens is due to the copious amounts of alcohol he consumes at a numbers of his supporters houses which obviously results in him flying intoxicated. Yet another charge which carries a severe penalty here in Australia. Quite honestly, It is a Christmas miracle that no-one has been killed yet.

In closing. The prosecution acknowledges that Mr. Kringle has a large network of sympathisers here in Australia. However, regardless of any acts of generosity he has supposedly performed, this does not alter the fact that he is a criminal. There can be no doubt that he has broken numerous Australian laws, made a mockery of our justice system and disrespected our country and its people. As a result, Mr. Kringle cannot be shown any leniency. Therefore, the prosecution demands that our authorities apprehend this fugitive as soon as possible, so that our Australian courts can proceed to charge him officially to the full extent that the law allows.

Thank you your honour. The prosecution rests.