HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

[Doolhof]

Hi everyone. I am wishing you all a very Happy New Year!

Happiness can mean something different to every person, and sometimes we need to look for that happiness in the blur, the haze or the fog of our days.

Happiness came to me yesterday when a couple of my clients were concerned for my health and well being.

Happiness came to me when I returned home absolutely exhausted and my husband had set the table ready for our guests and had brought in the washing!

Happiness was being able to go to bed and cry for two hours due to my exhaustion and to know if our guests arrived and I hadn't made fancy salads, it did not matter.

Happiness was knowing our friends wanted to spend the evening with us, even their two daughters who could have been with boyfriends/friends instead!

Happiness was knowing our friends know of my mental health struggles and they still came to be with us!

Happiness was a wonderful evening appreciating each other's company and being able to laugh.

Happiness this morning is knowing that despite the tears that are about to fall down my face due to my exhaustion/depression/stress and feeling so overwhelmed by life, I am alive!

Happiness is knowing I have hope for the future. I have plans I want to fulfil. I have people I want to visit and spend time with. I have a marriage I want to improve. I have a garden I want to spend time in. I have craft projects I am wanting to start and others I want to complete. I have a book I want to finish writing and hope to write a children's story as well.

HAPPINESS! Sometimes it seems so illusive, sometimes it is there and we take it for granted, and sometimes we don't realise it is with in us.

I hope you all find Happiness. Love and cyber hugs from Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi again Mrs Dools,

Just want to add a suggestion that helps me. Think about or make a list of the things you can and can't change in your world. Learn to accept the ones you can't and work towards the ones you can which often is not easy ( scary! ) -applies to my previous thread - should have left that job but was held back by fear/ facing my fear in 10 days. Getting better as I get older!

A quote:-

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."

Rosanne Cash 

Have a great day, 

Anny x

[Doolhof]

Hi Anny,

Thanks again for some wonderful words of wisdom and for sharing.

Yes it is my husband of almost 30 years whom I have so much trouble relating to and with at present. Sometimes I find him to be so very dominating and aggressive in his approach towards me emotionally.

He is very much like his father, quite the Patriarch, which is comforting in some ways but very hurtful and disrespectful in other ways.

Like so many of us, a lot has been going on for me over the last few months and I feel like my batteries are depleted and need recharging. So I am going to work on ways to do this.

I'm going to start making lists of things I would like to include in my every day life, and things I can do without, like you mentioned having a list helps to focus on things.

I will chat with the Mental Health Nurse and ask her to help me to get back on track and to find ways to ensure some of my favourite things get attention!

I'm wishing you all the best with your appointment as well. Remember the psychologist is there to help you.

Are you concerned about approaching this person for the first time, about spilling out all of your fears and doubts, about loosing control of your emotions, or about something else?

Can someone go with you to the office/centre and wait with you? Would that help? My sister goes in with my niece for the first part of my nieces sessions, then when my niece is feeling okay, she sits outside and waits again.

Hope it all goes well for you and you gain great benefit. It sounds to me like you are wanting to fix things for yourself and you already have a lot of wonderful ideas and thoughts on how to help yourself and others. So all the best.

I will be looking forward to reading how you get on after the event and hope to be here to share with you along your journey.

From Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I see my husband of 30 years turning into his father every day. Best way I can describe my marriage is " it is what it is" .....Hopefully the nurse will give you some helpful strategies and advise because yours shouldn't be disrespectful. For me it's one of those things that I cannot change.

 I am mostly nervous about speaking to the psychologist about things I've kept bottled up for a long time. There's probably more underlying issues that I'm uncomfortable with . I have a trust issue also. Thank- you . 

I just wanted to tell you about this morning. I went to a hot yoga class. First time and not something I would normally go to ( the hot part) . When I got there I find out the class is 90 min instead of my normal class of 45 min. Before " mindful" Anny  ( trying ) I would have baulked and thought ok let's get this over and done with, instead though I thought - forget all the things I've left at home to do (clothes to hang out/ mother email to reply to/dog to wash etc etc) and the things I need to do later on in the day- just focus on this right now , this minute. Enjoy it , use it as the instructor kept saying as play time. You know what - the time flew , I really enjoyed it and all the things that needed to be done - got done! Hope you understand what I'm getting at- it really makes a difference.

 Take care ,

 Anny x

[Doolhof]

Thanks Anny,

Yes, I do know what you mean, I just have to get my mind to start thinking that way again. At present I don't feel at all welcome or comfortable in our own home when my husband is around. I suddenly tense up, feel very defensive and find it so difficult to do anything that I might enjoy doing when he is present.

I might suggest he goes and has a chat with the mental health nurse by himself, and then she can get back to me and let me know if my husband is as bad as I think he is in some areas, or if I am exaggerating issues!

Either way, I need to get back to being happy and comfortable to be living in the same house or decide once and for all to move out permanently!

From Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi Mrs Dooly,

The one thing I never think about is leaving the marriage . I really take my hat off to people who go that step - i personally just couldn't handle the stress of it all - ofcourse it depends on how unhappy you are and weighing it all up. 

Why not for the time being ( before getting professional help) just think about being selfish. Spend the day doing things you like - go out with a friend and see a movie - go to the shops ( did you find that nice writing book? ) clean out any clutter in your wardrobe ( wish I would) - immerse yourself writing s short children's story- read, I ( with great difficulty to focus) am trying to get through Wuthering Heights , along with other books, find it educational. 

Just suggesting a "mini breakup" in your head. He might not realise for s while but you never know the new attitude might just make a difference and Mr Dools comes searching for his Mrs. He's taking you for granted perhaps and needs a little wake up call. 

Maybe try it today when possibly you're both home. I apologise if I'm way off the mark and have made any assumptions. 

Be kind to yourself, 

Anny x

[Doolhof]

Hi Anny,

 Thanks for the comments. What you have suggested is certainly something I have considered or a long time, that I need to make more time for the activities and events that I enjoy doing. I used to do more of that.

Since we have moved to this property two years ago, I have been trying to build up the garden, keep everything alive in the hot dry summers and then keep the year round infestation of weeds at bay. It has been exhausting but rewarding. We bought a 5 acre property. My husband is not much of an outdoors person, he just wanted the land and the space between neighbours.

We have just had a couple of my dear friends stay for three days and I have greatly enjoyed their company and spent very little time with my husband. It was like a mini holiday. My friends and I  had lunch in town between my clients, then coffee and home a lot later than usual.

I'm planning on making up a daily schedule which encompasses all my daily needs and wants like exercise, walking, time for craft, time to look after the pets, work that needs to be done and time with my husband. I'm not going to stick to it rigidly, but use it as a guide to ensure I plan things for myself.

Thanks again for your suggestions. It is always so helpful to look at a situation from another angle!

Hoping all is okay with you, cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi Mrs Dools!

Thank- you for your post, I was wondering about you. That sounds nice! Since you've been doing a bit of your own thing have you noticed any slight change in your husbands attitude? Might be a bit of wishful thinking in such a short time?

 I was going to ask you re exercise / diet regime and if you had one. I think if I didn't I would really struggle to cope with every day life . Yes ! As you say not be  too rigid though! Things might seem to work in theory but real life as we know and accept is always going to throw us unknowns.  Work out your absolute " must do's" eg walk the dog / no sugar....and aim for making them a habit ( my favourite word) . You need a balance between what you must  and what you would like to achieve in your day. You sound like a very busy lady!

Get to know the neighbours and you never know you might make more wonderful friendships that can be just your thing .  You never know , your husband might get jealous and join in. 

Yes I find it helpful if I see things from a different prospective. Important for me is to know that my problems (like yours) are not uncommon! It's just life and we are all doing the best we can to make it better. 

Sincerely, 

Anny x

[Doolhof]

Hi Anny,

Thanks again for your encouragement and positive words. Regarding the daily schedule, each of my days can be quite different, so I need to have a flexible routine.

I work out in the community caring for the elderly in their own homes. I may be away from home from 8.30 in the morning and not return home until 4.00 p.m. but only have two clients to assist in that time. Due to the distance I travel, there is not always an opportunity to return home in between clients.

Some days I take my own lunch and have a picnic in a p[ark, if it is not too hot I go for a walk as well, read a book, go to the library or stay a bit longer with a client after their allotted time for a chat and a coffee. So a set routine is a bit difficult to establish.

Last night I managed to return to the Country Fire Service Training, something I have not done for over a month. It was great to be back there again. It was nice to know the group had been missing me, and I enjoyed their company.

My husband is away for a week, so it is an opportunity for me to look deep into my heart and soul and to write out stuff I will discuss with my mental health nurse next week.

It is also a great opportunity to have craft projects all over the kitchen table without having to clean things up for meals! Ha. Ha.

I'm going to try to catch up with the neighbours as I want to talk to them about their dogs! One lot of neighbours has a German Shepherd that patrols our boundary and scares the daylights out of me every time I go to that side of our yard. It barks and walks along in a menacing looking manner.   I love spending time in the garden, it always relaxes me, but not with a ferocious looking and sounding dog the other side of a flimsy chicken wire fence!

Wishing you well with your journey, kind regards and cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi Mrs Dooly,

You are a very busy lady! I don't know how you do it all.  I bet you find your work with the elderly very rewarding. Thank- you for doing that. 

Yes, talk to the dogs owners , maybe you can get to know the dog and he/she you and the intimidating might stop. Ask if you can give him a left over bone or something ? You should be relaxed during your time outside in the garden. 

Enjoy the week , sounds like bliss! 

Sincerely, 

 Anny x

[Doolhof]

Hi Anny,

My week didn't go quite to plan thanks to a few headaches and migraines! I have managed to look in some craft books and found lots of projects I would like to try, so hope to get on to that soon.

I did enjoy a wonderful walk along the beach during a really windy day, that was fun and very refreshing.

I had a chat with one lot of neighbours about their dog and that went fairly well. The talk was very polite and friendly but the dog is still barking all the time.

Will have to tackle the other neighbours soon. I was out in the garden and had the patrol dog barking at me and following me up and down the fence the whole time. I am not sure what that dog will do if it decides to jump the fence! Maybe it is just being brave over on his own side. The fence is just chicken wire and only about a metre high. The German Shepherd could jump it so easily!

One good thing, due to that dog barking at me all of the time, the garden on the other side of the house is getting some attention now, so there is always something good to find in every situation. Ha. Ha.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools