Worry chews at my mind

[HelenM]

One of my biggest enemies with my mental health is worry. I have always been pessimistic and it played a massive part in my mental illness over the years.  I am waiting to go on a Mindfulness course but that won't be till late Spring. So not helpful now. My brother's son has leukaemia. He was diagnosed in January and I think it played a part in my mood dropping then. Things went well and he went into remission. However recently it came back. Fortunately he is only 30 and fit and so could handle the aggressive chemo they gave. He then got an infection which has thankfully cleared and it'll be a few weeks before they can say if he's in remission again. Then they want to do a bone marrow transplant - his siblings don't match but it seems that on the European donor list they'll find him a match reasonably okay. All this was fine in my head.

Today I rang my brother and he also mentioned the possibility of his son not going in remission. He is coping well but obviously worried though he was not trying to worry me. Although things going wrong are always possible I cope by not asking about them or not allowing myself to 'know' .Now I can't stop worrying about my nephew. I try to reassure myself and certainly his youth is in his favour as well as the very good treatment that is available and apparently improving all the time. I try to distract myself but find it hard. It's a double problem for me: the worry I feel and also the possibility that it will pull me down. My sister tells me that to worry is pointless and that we have to be their for him. She's right but I am unable to switch worry off.

Any advice would be welcome.

Thanks, Helen

[geoff]

dear Helen, I can only imagine the dreaded thoughts ofyour nephews leukaemia, on top of everything else that you have had to cope with, so we always have to ask the question why me or why does everything go wrong for me, I have no answer for this, circumstances are beyond our control, and there are so many people that happen to get the short straw all the time, and I'm sorry I don't know why, perhaps it's fate, misfortune or circumstantial.

I hope that he is again in remission, but this won't stop your worry and concern which I believe that now you will have to cope with this by yourself, as obviously your sister will not want to join you with the worry, as she is trying to look on the bright side, but people who have experienced depression are most likely to always break down with their concern.

You can't blame yourself for this, however how about reading some stories and google this 'success stories of leukemia', this maybe beneficial or it may make your thinking go haywire, and if this does happen delete the site, because it's making you head in the wrong direction.

We can never stop our own personal worry, that's inevitable, we can't stop this, because it always returns to us, but then he may recover once again, as he seems to be a very strong chap, and try and focus on this. L Geoff. x

[TheSteve]

Hi Helen,

Thank you for sharing your very personal story, it is much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear about your nephew, it is never nice when young people have to suffer with such conditions which are completely beyond the control of us all and were not at all self-inflicted.

The worry you experience however is really a separate issue. If you didn't have your nephew to worry about, you would find something else to worry about. If it wasn't that, it would be something else again. This is because the worry is actually a habit, as if you are addicted to these thinking, feeling, and behaving patterns. It is something I have a significant amount of personal experience with. It is amazing, the day you realize "I am addicted to worrying". It is, as you say, hard to stop! The question of "how do I stop worrying?" can be answered in the genesis of the worry itself - how did I start worrying?

You see, you are on the right path. It was a lack of mindfulness in the first place that allowed the habitual worry behaviour to manifest and take hold in your mind. When it becomes habit, we think we have a "worry" problem. We don't, what we have is a habit. And the habit can be reversed, by developing new habits.

If I have a habit of swearing, then I need to be mindful of my swearing in order to recognize, and change the behaviour. Over time, it becomes habit. If I have an anger problem, then I need to recognize this, and change the behaviour and over time, my anger problem will be managed. If I have a worry problem, same deal. It is a matter of reversing habit behaviours.

Geoff hits a few really good points in his post - things ARE beyond your control; fate, circumstance; allocation of blame; recovery is possible. The fact that you re pursing mindfulness tells me you have the key. Now, you need to put it in the lock, turn it, and open the door to a new way of thinking and feeling. Your life will change.

Explore mindfulness now, by yourself, then do your course in the Spring. Come back and chat anytime we are here for you. All the best.

Steve

[HelenM]

Hi Geoff and Steve,

I wanted to reply earlier but my computer's been playing up. I find your advice very helpful. Also I'm pleased to tell you that my nephew's blood tests are showing that things are going in the right direction and I'm managing to focus on that at the moment. I'm not going to look for things just now. It's funny, the other day I was thinking positively about Christmas and I suddenly felt guilty as, because he's unwell, Chris is unlikely to enjoy this Christmas. Then I remembered the first Christmas when I was ill. I was severely depressed at the time but it didn't bother me that other people were enjoying themselves. That thought made me realise that we're not obliged to be miserable because someone else is having a bad time.

Regarding my mindfulness course; yesterday I got a letter to say that a course was starting in early January so I'm really pleased. I don't expect it to be the answer but I'm hoping it will take me a step further in the right direction. And yes Steve, I think worry is an addiction and maybe mindfulness will help me tackle that.

Thank you both

Helen x

[TheSteve]

Good luck to you Helen, I'm really glad you are on this path. Just remember, each time you feel like you "need" to worry or don't deserve to be happy, these are just faulty habits of thought that you have developed over time. They have zero basis in reality. These habits can be overcome.

All the best.

Steve

[HelenM]

ThanksSteve,

I will let you know how my course goes. It starts next week. I'm looking forward to it and although I know it's not a magic cure it can only help.

Helen