work, food, anxiety and struggling to adult

[SKat]

HI guys.

So as of late I feel like I am struggling a bit more than usual. I was diagnosed with GAD around 2 years ago and am on regular medication. I think I have had it all my life, since childhood as looking back I can now see what the signs were (trouble with sleep, concentration, feeling like I always needed to go pee, and just being a worry wart).

So at the moment I am struggling at work. I am not as busy as promised and am not getting many hours. I was promised more but at the moment I feel like they are using me. I can not pay rent with my pay and I have been using my savings (before you ask it is legal as I am a contractor you get paid per job so if someone cancels then you won't get money). It is kinda a graduate job and my first post uni 'career job'. I am super stressed over it and I feel like a failure as an adult. I am kinda feeling like if this is the struggle I have to go through for this job then maybe I should quit and find another one. This job is a great opportunity in theory but practically it hasn't turned out that way. I do like what I do but it isn't sustainable, and I feel like they are trying to help me get more work but either it isn't must effort or it isn't working. I also only get a percentage, so they take majority, I would have thought they would do more to help me get more work. I have only been in it 3 months. I just struggle to get out of bed in the morning not having regular work and income. You can't do much if you don't have money to do things. I am in my late 20s I should be saving for a house or big holiday but I am not wanting to spend more than $10 dinner.

I am also having cravings to eat lots of junk food. Like binge and get rid of it by either purging, exercising or spitting or combination of those. I have acted on it in the past and I got really into it doing it a few times a week. I am trying not to do it but with the stress and intrusive thoughts coming back stronger it makes it harder to resist. It is kinda like a release I guess. But I don't want to get sucked back into it. I don't want the side effects and constant thoughts about it and hiding it.

Another struggle is I am on a mental health plan but as it still costs me money to see the psych, soI haven't gone in a few months. I did get my tax return and could go again but I'm worried it won't be worth it and I could spend the money better elsewhere. I am struggling financially

Thanks for reading about my struggle and letting me vent.

[BballJ]

Hi SKat,

Sorry to read about what you're going through but well done for venting and getting your story out there, it does take some great courage to even let people know what you are going through so that is a great first step.

I also have GAD so I can relate on that front and I know especially financial issues can stress anyone out, add in the fact GAD is there and can magnify it x 10 so I understand why this is causing you so much stress. Contract work is very tough and when it isn't busy, you are right, you don't get paid. Is there a possibility to go through another company to try and get work or can you only go through one at a time? Is there an option to free lance so you aren't relying on companies finding you work directly, especially if they are taking a good percentage of what you would get paid?... try not to get caught up in the I'm in my late twenties I should have had a house etc, I was there too but it doesn't do you any justice and fact of the matter is, everyone is different and everyone does things at their own pace, you have focused on a career you enjoy and that is great.

I don't ever think working on your health (mental or physical) is a waste of money or time so I would always recommend trying to see a psychologist if you think it can help you out and to feel better.

The junk food and binging is something I do feel you need to get addressed as well, I do hope you can go back and see your GP and let them know about this.

Please also know you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are feeling or going through, they are trained professionals as well.

My best for you,

Jay

[Johnno_S]

Hi SKat

Good on you for putting yourself out there on the BB forum. I am a relatively newbie and have found the interaction with other people very helpful. It's good to know that you are not alone when it comes to having mental illness.

It's not unusual to become despondent when dealing with work issues. After finishing Uni and just starting your career try not to worry too much. You have your whole life ahead of you and there is a wonderful world out there if you stay focused and healthy in mind body and spirit. My favourite motto is "work, rest and play".

Be kind to yourself.

Best wishes

Johnno

[SKat]

Thanks for the reply

Unfortunately it is not one of those jobs you can freelance in. A few people do but it is very hard to get work. My job is trying to help. I guess cause it is % base they probably want a part of the cut. Its frustrating cause I was told that I was taking over the last persons clients, but I didn't. They went either went with her or were not long term clients. We do some online work which they have given all to me but still not really enough. It's super stressful

I also got a parking ticket today. I even saw the inspector. I just parked so I went to the ticket machine. I was litteraly getting paperwork from work so I put my details in the machine to get the 15 free minuts. I usually do my parking on the cell o parking app but you can't get the free minutes using the app. I came back to a fine. I didn't understand it. I'm really hoping I didn't have a dyslexic moment and put my details in wrong (like letters first). Even so hopefully they'd let me off. I disputed the ticket online saying I saw the inspector and went to the machine and everything. Surely they could look all the stuff up. I even gave specific times and what the inspector looked like. Look if I didn't pay or put my details in for the free time, I would completely accept the fine and be annoyed completely at myself. But I always pay. This would be my second ever parking ticket and the first was because I was unaware of qld yellow line means no parking zone (I moved from another state). Super annoyed and now more money if I'm not successful.

Well I have to pay $75 out of pocket for my psychologist. I've only seen her twice before so it is still not at the built in relationship stage. Ive been to many appointments in the last few years. I don't feel like I'm getting enough out of it to justify paying at the moment, but I can't really transfer my mental health plan to someone else. Even if I wanted to my GP doesn't bulkbill (but she is really good dr and the first I've been open with so not wanting to go discuss it with another dr).

As for the food, the stress of a parking ticket does make me wanna do it later. Like I don't know if I will but the temptation is there. I used to do it so often and in the last year I don't do it really anymore (except for when I'm having a flare up).

Thanks for your posts

[BballJ]

Hi SKat,

I understand what you are saying about the job, I just hope it can pick up for you in terms of getting busier so it can help ease some of this stress.

I think you have done enough to try and get out of the parking ticket, hopefully common sense prevails and they let you off for the fine. I have always found ticket inspectors are quick when they are doing fines as well so hopefully they can retract it because it does sound like you were trying to do the right thing by utilising the 15 minute free parking and not just parking and leaving your car there and hoping you didn't get a ticket.

I understand the financial implications of seeing a psychologist, I was in the same boat when I was going, it becomes quite expensive. Have you thought about calling the Beyond Blue helpline to see if there are any other options for you? I am concerned about the junk food binge that happens however and think it is important you speak to the doctor about it, I know it may be hard to see another doctor but going to one who bulk bills and starting fresh may be what is required at this point.

I am sorry I am not much help in the way of advice, may I ask, is there anything in particular you want out of the forums?

My best,

Jay