Why do some of us deny ourselves "Happiness"

[Hopefull_]

Hey Everyone,

I ask this question because it's something I Have been doing for a long time, but, I know why I have been doing it.

I questioned it and had to ask myself "Why" Why am I doing this, did I do something wrong? Do I feel I have to deny myself happiness as some sort of punishment. NO! I didn't do anything wrong I was however made to feel like I had and I guess it became ingrained, deeply ingrained so any form of happiness felt strange and I would start to look for ways to diminish it.

Sure there are things that make me happy like spending time with my children, I do feel happy when I'm with them.

What I'm referring to is being able to enjoy socialising and getting back into my hobbies etc. How many times have you put something off, something that you know deep down would have given you some happiness ?

I guess I'm curious to hear other peoples thoughts on this and maybe even some insight as to how to overcome this problem.

James.

[HA1]

Hi Blackbox!

Thank for your post - interesting question.

Staring with your primary question; yes I have of late put off a lot of things that would give me pleasure and/or would also be beneficial in terms of being a distraction from the illness. This includes, my favourite hobby - a shame because it is something that everyone in my extended family is really interested in seeing how it is going.  So I end up saying to them that unfortunately been too busy to pursue much (ha! now that I have recently retired, that excuse will obviously not hold water!).   

I have also yearned for years to finally take up that sport that I have always wanted to do, but never had time.  So after a flurry of activity buying all the equipment - it is now gathering dust.  

I enjoyed socialising occasionally, having drinks with friends.  Now I shy away from people (looking relocate to somewhere I have more 'space') and, because I no longer drink, I prefer not to go parties or large social gatherings.  

How to overcome?  In my case, I have made a small financial commitment to force me to take up that sporting activity that I have yearned to do but been putting off.  And today I made a payment to go and do it.  I will be motivated by my partner/carer who was cranky enough when I paid "good money" for the equipment - she will 'encourage' me in no uncertain terms.  The bottom line here is, I need someone to actively encourage/push me, but having made a commitment also helps.  My partner/carer is very supporting.

I have taken small steps to start socialising.  Again, it is my partner/carer that is the key player here.  Because I would turn to water at a large gathering, she tends to arrange small groups to meet up with for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Parties are off the radar ATM.  Small baby steps.  Also helps if the people attending don't know that I suffer from mental illness.  (Not because I am ashamed of it, rather, I have no need to tell them unless they ask.)  And this is good - because I could not tolerate being with people trying to be 'kind' to me because they think I am fragile and need to be handled and talked to differently.

Does that make sense?

Take care

K

[Hopefull_]

Hey K

I understand what you mean about people knowing I suffer from a mental illness, some think it translates to crazy and I'm to be avoided at all costs, others seem like they don't know what to say and become anxious themselves, you know whats weird about that is when I see another person getting anxious, I have empathy for them but my anxiety reduces. Anyway, most people are fine, the people that really know me that is.

Back on topic though, I forgot to mention that even when I do something for myself I quite often feel guilty about it, like I don't deserve to be happy.

I know I have every right to feel happiness just like everyone else, like jacko said in another post I have to reprogram my way of thinking, it's an unconscious thought process stemming from my childhood, but I do believe it can be changed.

All the best.

James.

[CMF]

I deny myself happiness because I know something will come along to ruin it  

[BenD]

Hi James,

Funny you mention that when you see someone else getting anxious your own anxiety reduces. I get that feeling sometimes as well.

On your main topic, for me it's uni that triggers that feeling of guilt, or more specifically, the bad feeling that accompanies doing something that I enjoy when I'm supposed to be studying. Something to do with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations probably, but haven't thought it through enough.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that you're not alone.

Ben

[geoff]

dear James, there have been some good remarks by all the people that have replied back to you, so where do I begin.

With depression it's understandable to be scared or frightened of doing things we would enjoy or what we have done before as our favorite hobby or past time, because there is always that feeling we won't know how to handle it, or expect that something will go wrong, same as what CMF has said.

My days of socialising at night have gone, as I go to bed early, because of my medication, but this does make it difficult if there is a special event, so c'est la vie.

The things that I used to enjoy before depression hit me I no longer enjoy, which I always thought would be impossible, so now I have done a full circle, so my interests have all changed, so any happiness from the things I now do again have changed.

I used to love doing any handyman jobs, cooking and gardening but now all of these I now loathe, so I wonder whether this has happened to you. Geoff.

[HA1]

Hi

Geoff's last sentence is interesting. 

I used to love cooking and eating - experimenting with various ingredients and styles and then savouring the new flavours.  Now, I cook to keep busy and because I know that family enjoys the roof style that I cook. Eating is auto-pilot, it's a part of the evening routine. 

I too used to enjoy handyman work around the house and tending to the garden.  Now I just put off everything, until tomorrow, and then again the next day ......

Very frustrating.

take care

K

[HA1]

Correction: not "roof" - 'food'

[CMF]

Depression drags us down  even if we did try to do something that makes us happy the depression stops us feeling the happiness. 

So you've got me thinking, are we denying ourselves or is the black dog denying us?

ive had a great week..on top of the world. A chat I had yesterday has left me a little down again.  I will go for my usual walk today to my little coffee shop which I know makes me happy but how will I feel there today? Am I denying myself being happy?

i'll get back to you..

[CMF]

Sometimes we deny ourselves the happiness we derived from certain  activities because we shared that experience with someone who then went on to hurt us. Trying to enjoy that activity/hobby/experience again can bring back painful memories.

we are associating that happy experience with something that was sad because we linked them together. 

The hapiness I have felt recently has come from not worrying what the person who took my happiness away will think.  I'm doing nothing wrong and I'm not going to be made to feel guilty.

unfortunately arm I'm not that strong.