Why do I need to control?

[This_is_my_alias]

To cut a long story short, diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues in January. Have been given AD's which helped for a while, I stopped taking them, got worse again, and have been back on them for 1.5 weeks.  Not long enough for them to kick in perhaps, but at least I'm back on them.

Have been seeing a psych for the last couple of months - but stopped for a month as I was overseas, and have just had one appointment since.  I like talking to her (I don't like breaking down in front of her), but I can't feel myself getting better. Am I expecting too much? She recognises how I talk negatively.  She recognises my need to be in total control of everything. What I can't control makes me anxious - and let's face it, that's most things in life. She tells me to practice being mindful, but I just can't see the thoughts to let them drift away.

I work in an office.  It's not high pressure - there's pressure, but it's bearable. Or should be. I wake each weekday morning with a sense of gloom, despair and sometimes panic.  How can I make it through the day? I have no concentration.  I start something, and then 5 minutes later, my mind is wondering, and I feel like I can't cope again. I don't feel like being social to people around me. I dread the thought of somebody coming up and talking to me, because I don't feel like carrying out a conversation - I don't think I can do it.

I've applied to reduce my working hours to about 5 hours each day, but wonder whether that is really the answer, or just something I have convinced myself will make the work hours bearable, and then I start stressing about how I can reduce our family living expenses to make up for the lost wages.

So starts another round of anxiety, which leads to depression about this whole big black hole I'm living in.  I can't laugh, I don't smile - there's just nothing amusing in the world.  

Fortunately, things aren't so bad for me, that I'm having really bad thoughts. I have the unconditional love of my family, which keeps me going through these bad times. But my moods are impacting on them, and I don't like it.

Is there any hope, or am I so screwed up, that I am going to be like this for the rest of my life?

[AGrace]

Hi TIMA,

You're not going to be screwed up for the rest of your life, you will soon be able to manage some of your symptoms a whole lot better.

Anxiety feels like a constant wheel, you just get through something and then there's another trigger. Anxiety likes to take you on a myriad of paths, and it feeds itself off our thoughts emotions and actions.

You mentioned that you just can't see the thoughts to let them drift away, what did you mean by this? You later mentioned that you do seem to have bad thoughts...sorry just wanted some clarity. Which mindfulness practices do you use most frequently? Sometimes it's easier to be guided with and app or CD, but mindfulness can be done on your own. Have you heard of Tara Brach? I recommend her to a lot of people. I also found when I was starting out I'd do mindfulness every morning in the shower. Focusing on the sound feel, and temperature of the water, the scent of shower gel, the feel of massaging shampoo etc.

Just remember your treatments since the beginning of the year have been a little inconsistent, so you haven't really felt the full effects of these. Once you get some more consistency in your medication and your visits with your Psychologist you will start to notice a significant difference.

Regarding work hours, is there a possibility if you reduce your hours that you can do this for a nominated time frame and then review to see if it's helpful? You may find in a few months you're better able to cope with your usual hours. It's also really helpful with mental illness to have regular routines. Are you balancing your hours of work with time for pleasurable activities?

It's great to hear you have a network of support. Really do try to lean on these people as much as possible to help take away some of the pressures.

Thanks for posting your story here, I hope we will hear more from you.

AGrace

[This_is_my_alias]

Hi AGrace, 

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

The method you use for mindfulness is similar to what my psych told me to do - visualise my thoughts whether good or bad, and gently let them drift away. Trouble for me is that I can't seem to see my thoughts. Everything in my head seems garbled and confused, and I have difficulty in seeing any thoughts that are actually troubling me.

I was reading somebody else's post about harming those around you. Whilst I would never harm a loved one in a million years, I do recognise that sometimes I have had thoughts about what would happen if I did. I know that I never would.  I know that with absolute certainty, I could not be any clearer, but I wonder why I have these thoughts.

The intention with the reduction in work hours (if my work will actually let me, another story there) is to get home from work each day around the same time the kids get home from school. I get a lot of enjoyment from time with the family - even if it is not doing specific family activities, but just from being with them.  It's that safety thing.

In the meantime, I'm just continuing with the medication, seeing my psych (a bit worried, because I only have 5 mental health plan visits left), and trying to cope as best I can. But it's tough, and sometimes I feel as if I just need to cry and let it all out. I wish these horrible feelings would go away, but at the moment, it just doesn't feel like they will, leaving me down and despondent and not sure how to cope.

[Chloekat84]

It sounds like your not having a good time TIMA. I really hope things get better for you soon. My phychologist told me to work off some of my anxiety with extreme exercise. Just 2 minutes of high intensity cardio 5 times a days should work off some of the adrenaline that builds up in my system and causes my anxiety. So im going to ive this a go today. No harm in trying right? Maybe you could try it as well. It may make u feel more relaxed afterwards, u never know. I really hope these thoughts of yours go away and u start to feel a bit better soon. Much love and respect x