When family members don't understand anxiety

[Maggie2]

Hi everyone! And hello fellow anxiety-peeps. Nice to make your e-acquaintance.

Over the past few years, my anxiety - especially my social anxiety - has gotten worse. I'm on meds, using mindfulness apps, and generally trying to look after myself and keep myself relatively robust under such circumstances. Trying to get into a psych again, but I keep putting it off because it's scary.

My partner's family were getting increasingly mad at me for flaking at events and "ignoring" people (because many don't know what my panic attacks look like, I just look "mad" and silent).

So, I decided to make a video about what my anxiety is, what it feels like to have it, how other people in my life help me to feel safe, and so what my family can also do to help. It seemed more authentic than a letter and generally, the response has been good.

Except for my mother in law. She didn't get. Among other things, she praised the breadth of strategies I was utilising, but because I'm in a bad patch right now, she suggested I'm not trying hard enough to manage my condition.

She also suggested I'm not a good parent because my anxiety limits me. Which is a massive dig, because if my kid doesn't grow up to understand that people have all kinds of things going on and that doesn't make them any less of a person, then clearly *that* would be a failure.

Understandably I'm a bit upset at this. Having social anxiety and being absolutely non-confrontational, I don't know how to deal with having my best attempt at communication taken the wrong way.

Has anyone else been through similar? I know I need to give myself some time, hash it out with my partner ways to approach it, but right now I'm feeling quite deflated and little.

What are your recommendations?

Cheers!

Maggie

[blondguy]

Hello Maggie2

Thanks for the great thread topic!

I understand you exactly. I have lost a lot of friends through this part of anxiety disorder.

Anxiety is no different than a serious physical illness. Your relatives just cant see that you have invisible crutches. Its partially chemically based as an illness which makes it a physical illness.

Your mother in law isnt helping at all especially when she she said "She also suggested I'm not a good parent because my anxiety limits me"

Its ignorance like this which can make us feel worse while trying to heal. Her ignorance is her problem not yours

You are doing well with treatment and having a good attitude to help your recovery Maggie.

Super frequent counseling is a huge bonus. I used to have only occasional appointments until a counselor insisted I see him every week for 6 months. He gave me my life back. Occasional therapy is okay but nowhere near as effective.

If you scroll down the page under The Facts have a look under anxiety and print off what you want and provide a copy to any family members that think 'you can just snap out of it'

I used to have chronic anxiety attacks which morphed into depression and have some of this social anxiety too

you are not alone here and please dont be worried to see a counselor. They are there to help not to hinder you 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Muddlee]

Hi Maggie2,

Wow. In my opinion, if a mother in law said that to me I would be more than happy NOT talk to her. Sufferer of social anxiety and panic attacks as well - had one just before bed last night, what are the chances! I absolutely hate (I know that's a strong word, but no other word can express the feelings I have for stigma) it when I open up to people and they give me the cold shoulder, tell me to "suck it up" or "try harder" to manage my anxiety. As far as I know anxiety is all about the body trying too hard to manage a stressful situation (also known as 'over arousal) - so if I try harder the only thing that's going to happen is I get even more anxious. The way I've coped with social anxiety over the years is through thought challenging, gradual exposure (eg. when talking to people I actually TRY to make mistakes, take deep breaths, face and analyse my anxious symptoms while talking etc) and acceptance. It has taken some time, but I'm finally getting the gist of it. Of course there are days when I'm a stuttering mess, I'll admit, but that's just my anxiety reminding me it's still there (thanks...). Therapy, mental health programs and even seeing my GP were basic but important ways for recovery, so I ask have you sought any professional help for your anxiety? As for your mother in law, the reason that people say basically unhelpful things to us is because they don't know what we're going through. Try describing your symptoms to your mother in law and explain exactly how you feel. Understanding usually bring compassion and better knowledge of how someones actually going - worked for one of my mates when I told him to breath into a straw for 2 minutes.

Muddleee

[Checkthebatteries]

Hi

Thanks for posting. I'm kind of in the same situation so I know how you feel. I have social anxiety and depression and my parents don't think it's a real illness, even if it limits me a lot. They both are very old school and don't think it's a real illness. I also have a sibling with serious bipolar, aggression and addiction and so depression/anxiety to them is a made up minor problem or an illness that is overdiagnosed and people want to have to feel special. They are so old school I know i will never change their views so no point in trying.

On the other hand I do find having a diagnosis can make you adopt a victim mindset. I would sometimes use my illness as an excuse or expect that people should expect less of me or not mind if I don't try because I'm ill. You end up not trying and people end up getting frustrated with you. One day I realised that people are probably sick of my attitude. So now I will never use my illness as an excuse out loud and I will never ask people to expect less of me because I am ill. Sorry that sounds harsh but it is true. However, I expect an understanding that some things may be more difficult for me than others. Maybe talk to your mother in law and let her know that you're not making excuses and you will try your best and show that you still have expectations for yourself and your children. It's very admirable how you are raising your kids but people of that generation are scared kids are being raised with only compassion and no diligence and so she's probably concerned or disagrees. But I mean they are your kids

[CJs_mum]

Wow!!!!! Way to go making a video, let alone showing it to anyone! far out, that's fantastic!! You were so brave...i would have loved to make a video, but there would be no way on earth i'd show it to anyone - i'd be too scared lol.

Good on you.

Glad most people know kinda get you a bit better. I hope they do. That's important 🙂

As to the mother-in-law...i hear mother in laws are fairly protective and oft judgmental things...(lol) I wouldn't know. I would try to show her and tell her just how you ARE coping and how you need support, that sometimes you may need her to understand you can't go to certain events or can only for a short time - or get her to help you in the kitchen or something....go out togethere if thats at all possible, and let her see you CAN be happy, you can function as a mum but you may need a little help from time-to-time.
I wish you luck!!!

I get this sort of comment ALLL the time - from my own parents. Im not a good mum, and can't be with them judging my every single step, holding their breaths and pouncing on me every way I go...if I don't do something, I'm in trouble, "a bad mum" and all hell breaks loose, but if I DO that same thing I avoided due to it causing trouble, then all hell breaks loose anyway and arguments start, with me running/hiding and crying as I'm non-confrontational, similar to you.
Its hard.

I've learned that as a mum, YOU alone, just have to do what you have to do. Everyone else can judge or say something but they aren't living your life. They don't have the same relationship you have with your child, the same wants, hopes, wishes for your child, the same lifestyle, the same way of raising your child etc....we all live a different path and thats ok - but we still do have to live with eachother and try to get along.
Maybe you could say something like that - that you want to get along with her and live well, healthy with her, for your child.

Keep posting, keep talking and using other ways of communication with others (the video thing was brilliant! I can't wait to see it on the big screen one day perhaps??), keep on with the things your doing to fight anxiety/phobia and help yourself...look after YOU (only you really can :D) keep it up. Be strong, stay firm and don't get frightened or hurt by her, she's probably just trying to help? Who knows?
Good luck!!!!!

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Maggie

Oh dear the dreaded mother in law! I have one of those too. First of all sounds like you are overall doing really well with managing anxiety. From being on the meds, to the apps and generally looking after yourself. And the video...that is so amazing. I hope it was liberating.

Have you had a chance to speak to your partner to think about next steps? What does your partner think about your mother in law's reaction?

When I was at my lowest with my anxiety my mother in law was just horrible to me. It was two Christmases ago and I also felt that my partner was not supporting me. So we agreed that when we visit his mother from now on, that he stays in the room with me and sometimes puts a protective hand on my back. My psychologist suggested that and it has made such a big difference to my conversations with my mother in law.

Keen to hear how you are going.