What to do?

[out_of_this__world]

I am a 31yr old male currently dating a 34yr old female who has anxiety and i would say depression at times as well. We have been dating for 18months and lived together for 6 months, during this time she declined in mental health and is finally seeking proper help but still struggling. What happened to me was that when she hit rock bottom i to got depression and some anxiety which i have never had before. I told her i need a 2 week break to reassess the relationship as i didn't know much about the illness until now, sometimes i think i should continue it but at the same time i realize that the illness may never go away for her ( Mum, Dad and Sister have it) she has had it for many years but never said it was this bad.

When she went bad she lost her job and sat around on the couch depressed all day in her own head i was stressing hard because i didn't know much about the illness, if i leave i also have the age issue to worry about which has also been affecting me about dating again. When i had my episode my heart was pumping, always worried about health issues and over stressing, all the symptoms are basically disappearing during the break, got the test back from doctor and there nothing wrong is me. I am now concerned about my well being if i stay as the episode she had was bad and lasted 3 months and affected me, but also suffering a little fear about starting over again at 31yrs old.

I was wondering if having a depressed and anxiety partner can affect you and your mental health and a little feedback on my situation, also wondering about the illness and if it can get worse, i finally realize mental health is no joke and i am currently seeing a psych who tells to look after yourself first. I also wonder if i just had a breakdown myself and relationship had nothing to do with it but it seems a coincident that it happened when i date someone with the issue. She also wants kids which makes me think if her whole family has it maybe the kids will get it too, a little lost at the moment and recovering back to full health myself which is awesome.

[BballJ]

Hi out of this world,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and well done for telling your story. Great place to seek out support.

Your story is an interesting one, I havent heard of too many situations where you almost catch a mental illness from a partner or spouse. Others maybe have and can shed a little more light on it. However I have been dealing with anxiety for around 10 years personally (I am 28) and I really only came to terms with it this year and seeked out helped professionally. I opened up to my wife about it as well and it has been hard for her to deal with at times and has i guess put a strain on our relationship but I am also very good at hiding my anxiety as well so I kept it from her for so long, I can sort of mask it still. Your situation is tough because you really have to be healthy yourself before you can take on another persons mental health issues and almost seems your partners issues dragged you along for the ride. It almost sounds as if you were bought down to that level not by choice. I can see how this would make you question the relationship but in reality I think you need to ask yourself, do you love this person enough to over look her mental health issues once you overcome yours and start learning how to deal with hers... or is it putting that much of a strain and really affecting you coming back to full health that you cannot continue it?

The comment regarding if you have kids will the have anxiety and depression, I have heard it can be hereditary but also not 100% sure, I could never go in thinking like that personally because I find most people need something to of triggered anxiety or depression in them, again I may be wrong and don't want to offend anyone either but my anxiety was unresolved family issues which my psych helped me work out. So I just assume most people have a trigger... yours seems like seeing your loved one break down, triggered it in you.

I am really happy to hear you are on your way back to full health, which is amazing.

My best for you and your partner also.

Jay

[out_of_this__world]

Thanks Jay

I'm not sure if i had depression and a little anxiety she thinks i had depression. Yeah i thought i wouldn't get many responses due to the tough questions but i have no doubt that her suffering and losing jobs from her anxiety had something to do with what happened to me i was stressing hard so something had to give. tough times at the moment but thanks for the reply and good work on getting help.

[Pixie15]

Hello out of this world,

You are only 31. Still in the youthful age group so I do not think that it would be good for you to stay in the relationship because you were concerned about going back out there and dating again. The way you have described it sounds like you have had a panic attack. Some relationships just don't work. If your partner has not had anxiety as bad as this before maybe the relationship is a trigger for both of you.

I am wondering if you would consider trying couples counselling. A good counsellor would be able to help you both interact better I think.

cheers

Pixie.

[BballJ]

Hi out of this world,

Mate all you can do is continue to hang in there and keep your head up and stay as positive as possible. I know it sound's cliche but it's what is needed during tough times. I can tell you're a good person and just want the best for yourself and your partner as well.

Always happy to talk if needed.

My best for you,

Jay

[sagebrush]

Similar situation as yours -

What to do? Lie! Lie lie lie!

Tell her "everything is ok, the world is ok, life is great, it will get better, everything will work out in the end, we will get there together, I am here for you, I am great, I dont suffer from anxiety any more, your beautiful, talented and amazing, even if you dont see it, I do... "

Be the best "you" you can be - even if it is just a lie and you're dying on the inside.

Things like these!! Especially if they refuse to get help. Then manage the day to day.

[out_of_this__world]

Hi Pixie

I did think about counseling the counselor I see does it but at this present time he thinks it's best to see if i want to commit to the lifestyle first. I met up yesterday with her for the first time in 2 weeks it felt different after the experience we have had, she isn't in a good frame of mind and losing weight while I have put mine back on which is good. She even has said she will stay in the other room of the house which is a small apartment which is crazy, she needs to look after herself and still eating average foods which isn't great. I am considering giving it a go but I also realize that this could stay forever and I can't do much. The good thing is my condition has almost disappeared so i am feeling better but a little confused about what happened to me. She is doing her treatment and trying hard but her reliance on me is difficult because i need a life as well.

Life can never be simple but mental illness doesn't seem right it seems like the way we live life today may be causing the problems of the mind itself. I would say that I believe in the unbelievable after that experience I had but which way to go i will decide soon. I wonder if the treatments will help or just work for a little while then come back in swing. My problem as well is i am stress free man take things as they come but the constant stress was and isn't good for a chilled out man but i like a challenge so maybe this was a challenge or a warning still can't figure it out.

[Pixie15]

Hello out of this world,

Glad to hear that you are feeling an improvement in your own wellbeing.

As you have written you can only take it one step at a time and when you have your decision you will know. At least you found out early in your relationship. Also you might find that now you know you need to step back and look after yourself it might help your relationship if your partner understands that. And you are talking which is a good thing. There is a booklet on the site here for family and friends which has a lot of helpful information and it is easy to download. And one last thought from what I understand counsellors will not see you as a couple if they have already seen you individually. It is not fair to the other partner. So that might be something to talk to your counsellor about.

Best wishes with your decision. Keep posting if it helps.