Wakeup call and drinkers remorse

M_j_ · ‎08-08-2017

Hi- had the most horrible weekend and couple of days resulting in taking myself to gp and subsequently having to face my anxiety/depression/social anxiety that have caused me to have what id consider some kind of drunken psychotic episode. Feeling pretty ashamed and like I never want to leave my house again... as I'm generally able to convince people I'm a functioning adult -old enough to know better- its especially mortifying. Where do i go from here? 😐

BballJ · ‎08-08-2017

Hi M.j.,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I think you have done the right thing by going to see a GP about any mental health concerns you have... have you previously been diagnosed with any of the anxiety, depression or social anxiety that you spoke of above or have you always felt there is something there? Believe it or not that is one of the hardest first steps to take which is to reach out for help and you have done it with the GP and even these forums so please be proud of that and stick to what the GP says to do.

I have dealt with anxiety for around a decade so I know how it can feel living with anxiety. It isn't easy but again reaching out for help is the first step.

Please, feel free to post back as much as you like.

My best for you,

Jay

Lolmanda · ‎09-08-2017

Hi M.j.,

Thanks for sharing your story - it sounds like you're going through a difficult time and I understand it's not always easy to talk about our vulnerabilities.

I think you've taken a tremendous step forward by taking yourself to see a GP about your anxiety/depression. This shows that you've recognised the difficulties at hand and want to start your road to recovery. This is great news and is something you should definitely be proud of!

It is important to keep in mind that your actions don't always define who you are as a person. People are very complex, experience many emotions and express themselves in many different ways. That's why it's probably not useful to attribute certain actions or feelings felt during one moment in time, as a defining feature of a person.

I think this idea can definitely be applied to the remorse felt from your actions during the episode. It is okay to feel ashamed or disappointed by certain actions - these feelings are quite normal. But I do think it's important to keep in mind that these actions do not define you as a person. When you feel an extreme sense of remorse or shame, it might be useful to give that a thought.

You might find it extremely difficult to forgive yourself for those actions and recognise some other positive attributes about yourself and life in general. That's okay too - depression tends to encourage negative thoughts. One method that might help you is to think of 3-5 positive things that have happened during the day or week. It could be as simple as having a nice, hot, shower in the morning or listening to your favourite song. This not only keeps your mind busy but also encourages positive thoughts.

If you're struggling to think of positive things, I can help kick you off:
You are seeking help for depression/anxiety from your GP and online forums. This is a big step forward!

You might also find it valuable to see your GP again who may refer you to a psychologist for counselling. BeyondBlue has a directory to find any health professionals you need:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional

I hope you found this useful. I'm here if you need someone to talk to!

Wishing you all the best.

Amanda

geoff · ‎09-08-2017

hi M.j., as much as you are ashamed, there's a reason why you have done this, anxiety, depression and social anxiety are definitely always reasons or excuses to try and numb your feelings, but you mustn't blame yourself, however this is something after it's been done that you do regret it.
It's difficult to know when you realise that you've had enough because your caught up in the euphoria of it all, but the next day is when it hits you that you may have embarrassed yourself, but by this time it's too late to try and rectify the situation.
I'm pleased that you are going to see your GP but if you like I'd really like to know a little bit more about yourself, and maybe I should say that I was deemed an alcoholic when I was in depression, so please don't feel alone. Geoff.

M_j_ · ‎09-08-2017

I have been on and off antidepressants a couple of times over the last 4 years or so..but as my anxiety and depression were circumstantial- coincided with breaking up with my ex husband and related issues- I always felt better as things were somewhat resolved and went off the meds. My (new) husband has brought up my moods and told me I need to 'do something about it ' as iv become increasingly negative and unpleasant to be around over the last 2 years. I can keep my shit together at work and socially (ie school chit chat and family) but become a grumpy monster at home when no one's around. I have been becoming more and more reclusive and resentful of social situations over same time period. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like I'm going to be uncovered at work as some kind of fraud who doesn't know what they are doing. I feel like all I seem to do is look after my kids, work and pay bills yet I feel guilty for that not being enough. I don't normally drink much at all, but in social situations tend to be on the too much spectrum if I feel uncomfortable. hence my weekend.My husband was in the bridal party (his best mates wedding) and though I tried to prepare myself for that i felt incredibly alone and forgotten about over the course of the day.A group of ladies at the wedding (we were all staying in chalets at the venue) attempted to try and include me in their day.. which included copious amounts of champagne... so by the time my husband got back to the reception I was admittedly feeling pretty drunk and resentful. Then got teary as iv had a couple of deaths in my circle in the last 2 weeks... one of the funerals was Saturday and I also felt terrible I was at the wedding not at the funeral. My husband had been having a great day (I feel selfish I wanted his attention and he was in his mates wedding- but surely he could have offered me some support?!) I just felt like a third wheel all day) ..ended up I was that pissed crying embarrassment wreck no one wants to talk to by the end of the night. Told him I wanted a divorce, insulted him in front of everyone, yelled and screamed, threw up.... Then remembered in morning there was also a lady from my work there who would have seen me in all my glory.Took myself to gp on Monday morning and have started antidepressants.Feel like my head is in a massive cloud and thank goodness I'm on leave at the moment anyway.Apologised to the newlyweds which was horrifying but they were nice about it-need to sort my self

M_j_ · ‎09-08-2017

Iv always felt i don't fit in or uncomfortable in large gatherings. I hate it. I generally don't drink very much but admittedly in these situations I tend to go past the point of no return pretty quickly.. thankfully we don't go to too many and often I designate myself the driver so I can't drink..

I'm not quite sure what you'd like to know about me - I'm 38, married (hoping that continues though it won't if I can't get my shit together...) I have kids and step kids, work in aged care. Live in a big small town which doesn't help my anxiety... i don't have much family or family support except my sister who lives 2 hours away. My husband and I only got married last April and have been together just over 3 years (because of small big town known each other about 10 years and as family's/exes/etc knowing each other that daily contributes to my anxiety and worrying what other people think or believe about me etc). Moving isnt an option though.

I need to get myself together I know I'm no good to anyone as I am, and go back to work Friday. My husband wants to know if I mean the horrible things I said as he doesn't want to be with me if I do (don't blame him) .. I don't mean them but I take everything out on him. Things were amazing when we first got together now I'm sabotaging the relationship and hurting him too.

BballJ · ‎09-08-2017

Hi M.j.,

Thanks for sharing more of your story... I can see how the weekend has caused a lot of issues for you, the great thing was that you went and saw a GP first thing on the Monday as you knew something wasn't 100% correct which is great. Have you tried talking to your husband about all of this, I am sure you didn't mean this and deep down I would think he might know that but this is where talking and being open about it and facing it head on is maybe the best approach. You know something isn't right and that is half the battle. Does he knew your battles with anxiety?

Is there any chance you might be going to speak to a psychologist?

My best,

Jay

M_j_ · ‎10-08-2017

Husband and I are making amends slowly but things are still strained. Can you self refer to a Psychologist? I have been to a couple of counsellors before but no one I have really clicked with - I used my employee assistance scheme at work so was a bit limited to who I could visit. I'm seriously considering a Psychologist but don't even know where to start with my issues to make the most of it...I think I have to pay myself...

BballJ · ‎10-08-2017

Hi M.j.,

I don't think you can self refer to a psychologist, you do need a GP to do it for you... It really may be worth visiting them and asking for a mental health plan, its a questionnaire and you simply fill it out and it grades you for the GP, if the GP see's fit you will get 6 sessions with a psychologist, not free but the mental health plan allows for a rebate through Medicare. After 6 sessions you go back to your GP and can then have the possibility for 4 more if it is deemed required by your GP. After the 10 sessions we are entitled to each year then it becomes an out of pocket expense from memory.

It's good you realise that you haven't clicked with the other counsellors, when you find a good psychologist, you just know and speaking to them is like speaking to a good friend.

My best,

Jay

geoff · ‎11-08-2017

hi M.j., you will need a referral from your doctor, just as Jay has said, however your post is quite disturbing, because there seems to be a few issues that need to be sorted out.
It seems as though you are pretending you're OK at work, putting on a brave face but as soon as you get home the mask comes off and then you make comments which are not suitable when you've had a bit of alcohol to drink, but remember this does happen because we tend to make comments which we may not really mean in the contents we say them, but the damage and hurt has been done and it's so hard to backtrack those comments and try and be sincere when we apologise.
From you have said is that alcohol and you don't mix very well, it always seems to lead you onto problem, so a you need to make a decision whether you want to stop drinking or just continue on, but realise that if you definitely decide to stop then the doctor can prescribe a particular type of medication which will take away your desire to drink, but it will only work if you 100% want to give the grog away. Geoff.