UPDATED: Struggling with opening up/talking.

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Hi everyone. 

So as you read from the 'title' bar I have trouble opening myself up and talking. 

Ive had a lot on my mind, like trapped in my head for about three years. I can never get anything out. This is the first time I will tell a big audience that. 

I was wondering if anyone else was suffering from this. I don't know if it is a mental illness or not, probably. 

At times it's really hard. Things like being bullied makes it harder. Especially when in hard/difficult situations I tend to forget almost immediately what happened, which then makes me not even tell anyone that someone was being a big bully.

I really don't know what's going on in my brain. I also feel that I have anxiety and depression but have never been diagnosed because I do not want to see or talk to people. I don't know if that is related to that fact that I have experienced traumatic bullying for nearly all of my schooling life.

Its a new year and I need to try and focus on the positives in life. But I really can't find a positive. 

I don't know what good complaining to you all about myself is but at least I did it. 

What do you all suggest I do? If anything. 

Thanks from the girl that like to hide in the shadows. 

[HelenM]

Firstly Bubbles you are not complaining.    

Without doubt life is really tough for you. I would imagine that given you've been a victim of bullying for so many years forgetting is a self protection your mind has learned.   I suspect you're suffering from depression and ideally need to see your doctor.  

It's fantastic you've managed to come on this site.    Keep talking because we're more than happy to keep listening.  

 Helen x 

[geoff]

dear Bubbles, thanks for deciding to post a comment, because it's never easy to do, especially when it's your first comment always doubting what sort of reaction you will get, but it's friendly anonymous site where people like you can write in about their problems.

There is a test which could indicate whether or not you are suffering from depression, so google K10 test, and if the score is high then we need to convince you to go and see a doctor, so let's take it slowly to begin with, because we don't want to push further away by refusing to go, however with depression it can never be overcome by itself by the person struggling with it, sure there maybe a few insignificant issues which you maybe able to handle, giving you the feeling that you don't have it any more, but it's not these insignificant concerns that are a real worry, it's those problems deep down inside you which you may know about, or those which are hidden behind a barrier, stopping you from sorting them out and these need counselling and help with.

Doctors have so many people who come and see them suffering from depression, people just like you who are hesitant in wanting to seek help so it's not unusual so they prepare themselves knowing that someone is not keen on telling them anything.

I understand exactly how you feel because I was in denial for weeks maybe months, I can't remember so I too wasn't keen to see a doctor and then psychologist, no matter how hard my ex tried to get me there, but then something bad happened which then made me realise that I needed help.

At the moment please write back just so you can talk to anyone of us who is presently online, but also others will pick up your thread and then reply.

It would be great to hear back from you, as you can see me but I can't see you so please don't worry. Geoff. x

[KTOCD]

Hi bubbles,

I'm so happy you have joined us here. Am I right in assuming you are in high school?

some things you may be able to do to find help are:

1. Talk to your school guidance officer at school. If you can't verbally open up - write them a letter to tell them how u r feeling.

2. Do you have a school nurse? He/she may be able to organise a Drs appointment for you. They may also come with you if you are very nervous. I know it is hard trying to get to the doctors when u don't have transport or money to pay. It gets easier as you get older.

3. If you can't open up to the guidance officer or nurse, is there a teacher that you may be able to tell ? Remember you can always write it down. You don't need to say it if it is too hard.

4. If there isn't a teacher who you can tell, have you got a close friend who you can talk to? They may be able to approach the guidance officer on your behalf.

5. Have you got parents/caregivers that would be supportive? Extended family members?

6.  Keep talking on here! Everyone is very friendly and accepting. I think most of us are unshockable so there is nothing you could say that would make us turn away.

how are you going today?

KT

[Guest_1055]

Hey Bubbles

Yes I too hide in shadows every now and then, for me I find it safer there.  I'm so sorry you are bullied, I hate the thought of anyone bullying you. I long to be able to free you from it.

Yes like some other people have mentioned here.... you are not complaining, even though it may feel like it. You are sharing what is inside your heart and what life is like for you at the moment. Like you again, I too find it scary to open up. I shared with someone else this morning a quote, which just came to my mind now, so maybe it is meant for you also. Here it is:

"Courage is not the absence of fear.......but being able to act despite of it"

 Not sure where I heard that though. So that is what you are have done right now, you were struggling, because I am guessing you were scared, but you chose to open up and share despite that. So you really are courageous. 

       You did it......  That is an extremely positive quality that you have inside of you.

Sending you a friendly hug now.

With love

Shelley xx

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Wow thanks Shelley!

You really made me feel great X

Im glad that you are the one person who knows exactly how I feel, I too always feel better in the shadows.

Im sorry this reply took so long.

Bye x

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Hey Geoff. Thanks a lot.

Yes my K10 score was "high". It's going to be hard to convince me to see a doctor.

Thanks for understanding how I feel.

I really appreciate your time and effort for me.

-Bubbles x

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Hey KT.

Yes I am in high school. I really feel like you know exactly how my brain works!

Thanks.

-Bubbles

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

I feel like I have been excluding myself from world.

I really don't feel like I did last year. I feel like there is no reason for me needing to seek help anymore, even though I have been trying for 1year+.

Can you tell me who I am?

Btw I talking to you all on here.

Anyway I don't know what I'm doing , byeeeeeee

p.s I rewrote this like 4 times, and yes I did delete important stuff, cos that's me.

Byee now

[BubblesIsMyDisplayName]

Hey all !

Thank you for the support that I received!

A few weeks ago I managed to know on the social workers door!! I felt so proud of myself ! But then realised whe there was no answer that they only come on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Despite this I feel so proud of myself for overcoming something that I have not been able to do for more than a year!! I've been on holidays and return to school tomorrow, I'm not sure if I will have the confidence to reknock on the door. Anyway I managed to tell my best friend this story! Another score for me !

Thank you all so much for the support I recieve from beyond blue !

Couldnt have done it with out you !

- Rach