As an individual i have been battling my depression/anxiety for about a decade and at the age of 26 it feels as though it has ruined everything in my life. I recently left a 5 year relationship upon realising how toxic it was for me, i can't seem to get my way through university without hating every second of it and i feel as though I'm sabotaging the last friendship i have. These are the years I'm truly meant to have grown into a respectable responsible person, these are the years i should have enjoyed and had fun, instead i feel like I've done nothing but waste them. As i sit here to write this i truly say that i hate myself for what i haven't done or achieved with the time granted to me. I am so unmotivated despite seeing someone who is trying to help me. There is only so long i can drag my last friend through my shit when all she tried to do is help me.
Currently, i am seeing a therapist who i have found to be quite helpful and understanding in comparison to others I've been to. As helpful as she is i cannot seem to put into place one set of homework i was given.
"find myself a social hobby in an effort to reduce social anxiety and stop absolute thinking. My absolute thinking takes form in how i perceive trying new things, and meeting new people".
I constantly feel confused as i have days where i really try hard and get things done, but then it seems i fall right back into old isolation type habits. Im not feeling the consequences of these days, i see them but i don't feel them. and it makes it very hard to get out of this situation I'm in.
A good example is my friend who is very frustrated with me at the moment because i have had 2 weeks off work to try improve my situation and I've done absolutely nothing. I am begging my friend not to give up on me even though it seems I've given up on myself. In the back of my mind i know that i will go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and these feelings of guilt will be gone and i can just settle into my old ways again. Like i said, i see consequences but i don't feel them.
Please any advice would be so very appreciated. I'm not sure how long i can keep disappointing others and myself.
