Trying to Avoid Old Habits

[Livinia09]

I have been living with my anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember.

I've also been diagnosed with depression this year, and have been falling back into my old habitual way of thinking...'things would be so much better if I weren't around' (suicidal ideation). I'm seeing a psychologist for my depression. And am honestly not so concerned with that.

I am however, concerned about falling back into poor eating habits, or as it is, not eating. I fell prey to anorexia when I was around 14. I overcame it at around 16. I am now 31 and over the years I have been going through minor periods of starvation. Nothing to the extent of when I was younger. But it's a struggle sometimes to make myself eat. I've had some very major stress this year. Including my husband leaving me for someone older and then the man I was seeing after him leave me for someone 10 years younger.

Consequently, I've been left feeling rejected and unattractive. I work out for around 2 hours a day and my diet is shocking, I know this, but I don't seem to care and cannot stop it. I constantly find something I hate about my appearance. Lately too, I've been getting really frustrated with the people around me for mentioning my appearance, or focussing on it. They don't say anything negative, but I just hate that it's even mentioned when paying me a compliment at all. It feels like I'm trying not to give this feeling any credit and then people are drawing my attention back to it. So much emphasis is placed on my appearance by everyone around me, it feels. Deep down I know this is ridiculous, but they suggest I shouldn't have any anxious or depressive issues given my exterior. It makes me feel shallow and worthless, like I have nothing to offer.

None of this probably makes any sense, and I feel I can't even adequately articulate my real problem. I guess I just wanted to have a 'rant' about it.

Liv x

[Touille]

Hey Livinia,

It's ok to have rant, seems like you have been through a lot with your depression and relationship breakup.

Do you have any nice family or friends to chat to who won't comment on your personal appearance?

It's sad your husband never appreciated you and than the new guy. It's going to take time to get your self worth back. It's painful, but seeing GP and other professionals is crucial to recovering. I have been out of my relationship with my GF for a year now and I still haven't recovered fully.

I hope you can sort your eating habits out, you must eat good.

It's ok to feel like you do, you have had your bridges burnt more than once. You are valuable and strong and will get through this and be wiser in the future.

Hugs,

Touille.

[geoff]

dear Liv, I have read a couple of your comments back to other people on this site and there seems to so much care and understanding for these people who are struggling, so you know and comprehend what they are saying and definitely how they are feeling.
It's very easy for us to fall back into how we once were, better than trying to overcome this illness because to fall back that can just happen naturally, that's what we are used to doing.
You have had so much disappointment in your love life with your husband and then your partner leaving you for someone else who they believe maybe a better person, but at the end they could well and truly be horribly wrong in leaving you, that's their mistake now, and please I hope that you don't ever want them back.
You are lacking so much self esteem and confidence within yourself and this is where your anorexia started and even though you overcame it at the age of 16 years, however it's still hovering around in your mind, maybe not so much in practice to the extent where you are sick, but the qualities in your life are far pronounced and as I first said you have a connection with those who are suffering, and to be able to do this is quite extraordinary.
Not everyone is able to see what the person is telling you their troubles is able to understand and secondly be able to relate back to them, that's gift you have.
For those of us who have had depression of any type knows what another person is saying, simply because we have been down the same track as them, and instinctly know how they are feeling, that's something that not everyone can have, but Liv you have it.
I really wish that you are able to continue to reply to other people and let's see if that may help you, and then we can talk once again. Geoff. x

[blondguy]

Hi Livinia

Your self esteem may have taken some hits but you have a ton of courage to have posted on Beyond Blue.

I see an intelligent and caring person that has been on the roller coaster ride of anxiety/depression for a long time. I understand your pain with the anxiety and depression as I have depression (and the meds) since 1996.

Geoff wrote a great post above about the qualities you possess. He is spot on. You do have a strong & kind heart that can identify so well with yourself and others that share this awful illness.

Touille also made an excellent point about the importance of seeing a GP. I used to see my GP sporadically but then changed it to regular visits which really helps lessen the depression and anxiety a great deal.

I really do hope you can stick around the forums, your heart and care factor would assist so many others in pain as well as the benefits for you too more importantly 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you Livinia

Paulx

[Livinia09]

Thank you for your thoughtful words, and response, Touille. I really appreciate it. My family and friends are great and they mean well. I know the things they say come from a caring place, but it's the emphasis that drives me crazy. I think I've just had so much of my strength and patience tested this year, that I don't have the energy to battle it anymore.

It's been close to a year now and I feel like I'm still not over it. It's frustrating.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. Thank you, again for the positive comments and encouragement.

Liv x

[Livinia09]

Thank you for your reply, Geoff. Your words of encouragement and positive comments made me feel much better! I honestly feel so beaten down at the moment and I try not to focus on it too much. The last relationship really did a number on my self esteem. The worst part is he is a work colleague and I have to deal with daily. He's been on leave for two weeks, and I was beside myself for the first week because I actually missed him!

I got over that (well, felt fine with it) now I'm so anxious because he returned today. I haven't eaten properly all day, or over the weekend and I even called in sick so I didn't have to face him.

I start seeing a psychologist next week so I'm hoping to learn some coping mechanisms for dealing with this, because at this point I just want to run and leave my job. I love it there, though. The people, all of it. It's just this one thing. I'm very sensitive so I take things to heart so quickly and easily. Hurt takes a long time to leave me and it's frustrating, haha.

I wasn't sure if I was in a position to be commenting on anyone's posts, as I feel I can't really contribute anything other than my own tragic story, or opinion, but you have made me feel better about that. Thank you, Geoff - I sincerely mean that 🙂

Liv x

[Livinia09]

Thank you, Paul! I didn't quite know what to say, or even if it was worth saying. I'm only new to this, but I can tell it's a very supportive and caring community.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with this for such a long time. The anxiety component is strange for me, because I feel it's a part of me now, and I don't resent it anymore. I use it, in fact. Unless of course I'm having a severe episode, then I don't see it so favourably, ha! The depression is what I'm struggling with lately, though. I'm finding it's triggering my poor eating habits. I know I need to do better, I just don't care if I don't.

Your comment that my input would benefit other people is just so amazing of you to say, thank you for that. I place a great value of being able to help other people, and I feel better about myself when I can. So that makes me feel valuable, thank you 🙂

Liv x

[blondguy]

Hey Livinia, thanks for the reply, it means a a great deal. I joined in January this year and have been embraced as part of the BB family since my depression took a dive...I fumbled and tripped my way through the moderation process (which took me weeks to understand lol) I have met several kind people here that really care about me being alone and my depression and left over anxiety...they have been wonderful

I have two relatives that are doing it hard but are in denial and refuse to join.....thats fine...its their choice and loss

You are part of the family here Livinia. You dont have to do anything. Even if you just want to have a chat when you are up to it you are more than welcome.

If you see a new poster that is stuck and want to help, you have a lot to offer Livinia...go for it 🙂

Only if you wish and when you are up to it of course

Thankyou for the heartfelt compliments too

my kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

[DorianGray]

Hi Liv,

I know it's hard to always have the strength and energy to stay positive and battle on and I too find it hard most days. One quote I always think about during these times is:

Our greatest strength lies not in never having fallen, but in rising every time we fall.

I hope you find the strength to rise and always stay positive.