Tired, miserable, feeling trapped and anxious about the future

[NotsobraveVesperia]

Hello all.

Been looking at the site and forums a little for the last few days but finally braved it up enough to make an account and make my first post here. Figured I'd post an introductory of sorts and explain my situation as anxious as posting here is making me..

I'm in my late 20s still living at home with parents, stuck working the same part-time retail job for just over 10 years now and thought I was coping just well enough to survive. The past month has been a complete nightmare, and then a few days ago a switch inside me flipped and now I cannot shut it off. Can only cope working part-time as my patience for both people and work pressure/drama has worn thin and been an overwhelming source to fuel my stress and anxiety. I have nightmares about work and highschool several times a week most weeks, and I'm lucky to get up to 3 hours sleep every night. My parents don't support me and I'm too scared to open up to them about my mental health (trauma from highschool years still affects me to this day and because of that still trust my parents to handle another situation concerning my mental health). Been staying up late drinking almost every work night in order to 'cope' with all the stress and lose myself playing video games, watching streaming videos on Youtube etc. and communicating with online friends if they're around. On my days off I'm always tired and have no motivation and little energy, lately work has been calling me in for extra shifts but now I'm at the point of just ignoring my phone because every day in that place makes me feel worse than the last. Feel like I need to quit my job, I don't have anything lined up but I just need a break from everything before things get any worse.

Used to spend a lot of time composing music and coming up with lots of song ideas, and that has been happening less and less as the years go by, people tell me I'm good at it and I get sad thinking the last time I made anything was almost a year ago. Also find enjoyment in game development which I tried getting into for a while but then my job sapped away my motivation for that too.

That being said I hope to be able to talk with others who may be in a similar situation or anyone out there who could give me some guidance, I have no place to go but home. I'm also particularly active online so hoping I can also be helpful to others too. Sorry this post is a bit of a scattered mess, kind of how I'm feeling at the moment aha. Guess I'll leave it here for now :).

[White_Rose]

Dear NotsobraveVesperia

Welcome to the forum. The first post can be hard to write and a bit scary. To help you I will tell you this is a safe place. No one will harm you and no one knows who you are in the real world. We help and support each other because we have been where others are and can support and help you.

I always suggest people visit their GP when they feel the way you describe. You sound very distressed and angry at what is happening and I don't blame you. The black dog has crawled into your life and has no intention of leaving. We can talk about our common experiences and help you to see this will not last forever. So many people write here and there are those who have been in your situation and can offer suggestions. I hope you will stay with us for a while so we can walk with you.

How wonderful to be able to compose music. I take it you can also play at least one instrument. I have found that depression and anxiety does cause us to lose enthusiasm for those activities we found enjoyable in the past. Your enthusiasm will return.

Can you tell us a little about your job? It seems you would like to leave and find some other work. What would you like to do in a perfect world? You mentioned you can only work part time, there a reason for this? If I may say so, heavy drinking will not help you except perhaps in the extremely short term. Actually it's more than that. Excessive drinking puts you in danger of becoming an alcoholic and at best makes you lose any enthusiasm for anything else.

Another reason to see your GP is to get a medical certificate to be away from work for a short time. It may help you to take some time off to decide what you want to do and how to go about it.

Replying to other other threads on beyondblue is good both for you and others. Sharing your story and encouraging them to share your story makes for some powerful energy to achieve. Often it is only people who write here who truly understand how you feel. I am sorry you do not trust your parents. At least this what I think you meant above. We do make typos when we want to get something down in black and white quickly.

Please keep in touch.

Mary

[NotsobraveVesperia]

Thank you for your time to read and reply White Rose, my post was a little rushed due to work, whoops! Thank you for the caring and warm welcome too.

Parents made me apply for a position at the local supermarket, I got the job and what a journey. Became aware of my anxiety about 5 years ago and it has been getting worse every year. We recently got bought out by another supermarket chain over 2 years ago now and they obviously care less about their staff and more about profits! It wasn't TOO bad at first, they slowly introduced the changes, which were a more old fashioned and slow roundabout way of doing things, more things to waste time and yet they expect you to put twice the work in, they never consider the amount of time spent on customer service, which some days takes up the majority of a shift. We've had a lot of drama in my department since my boss went on holidays a month ago, the guy in charge is clueless and expects everything to be done, even though we never have the time(been the main victim to his lashouts in a newly created messenger group, was a terrible idea)! Every shift before I leave my house and after I get there I've been feeling an intense feeling of dread, anxiety attacks have been more frequent and finding I'm getting them at home now too. I find being outside of home is extremely exhausting, I've never been much of a social person and cannot handle crowds and talking to lots of people, I find customer interaction draining! To be honest I haven't had a long break since I left highschool, my creative endeavours have always been interrupted. Have so much to say yet but need to wind things up.

I must say Music has always been an interest of mine, as far back as I can remember, but it really started to develop when I got my first guitar at 14. In a perfect world, I'd love to compose music for film and video games (have experience and understanding of a wide variety of instruments), perhaps work with others in the entertainment industry where my opinion can help others improve.

Coming to terms that I do need to seek professional help, only the other day reached out to my only close friend who still lives close-by, hoping to just have fun and also be able to have a serious talk, since he's known me for a long time might be able to give me another perspective.

Anyways I'll be sure to stick around, hoping I can help others with some of my experiences and be apart of this community, thank you so much for your time means a lot!

[White_Rose]

Hello NSBV

Thanks for your post and the additional information. I can certainly see why going to work is so stressful and adding to your anxiety. I find music is a great comfort and helps me relax. My radio is permanently tuned to the ABC classic FM channel, unless I am playing CDs. Food for the soul indeed.

How did you go with your friend? Did you have a good day? Good friends are often able to help you and will walk with you on your journey, so to speak. Has your friend had any difficulties with anxiety or depression? If so he will understand how you feel.

Can you look for a new job? I know it appears to be the biggest mountain to climb when you are so anxious. Starting by seeing your GP is probably the easiest place to start. If you have not had much help from a psychologist perhaps your GP will recommend a psychiatrist. I still see a psychiatrist every week. Not about my original depression but because of more recent traumas.

How are you on the phone talking about yourself. If you are having a particularly bad day do you think you could talk to someone? If you do can you phone the Suicide Call Back Service? Don't be put off by the name, it doesn't mean you are suicidal, or at least I hope not. They are available 24/7 on 1300 659 467. You can check them out on their web page. https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ The 's' in https means it is a safe site. They are all professional people and can help you.

Having more frequent panic attacks and in previously safe places, is a worry. I feel I want to reach through the computer and hold your hand. Not possible of course, but I hope you know we are all here to help and support you.

Mary

[NotsobraveVesperia]

Thank you for the much kind words Mary. I find watching interesting Youtube videos or listening to Spotify helps me a little bit, playing music softly in the background also helps make my time in bed more comfortable to an extent. Definitely doing a lot better today, haven't felt this good in weeks! Unfortunately had to cancel plans with my friend due to him getting sick but going to reschedule soon. In terms of speaking on the phone to someone, I've always had a phobia making or taking calls. I haven't been suicidal in years but I'll keep that number handy just to be safe.

I'm actually waiting to hear back about my Long Service Leave eligibility since I have been consistently working for 10 years at the same workplace. Think it's best to take that before making any rash decisions I may regret later on. My boss is back from her 5-week holidays next week, she'll probably freak out after finding about the department falling apart while she was gone, I'll have to stand up for myself but work situation should then improve just a little bit after that I hope. I am starting to look around to see what kind of jobs are available but nothing matching my criteria yet, guess I'll need to be consistent as job opportunities can come as quick as they go!

In terms of seeing a GP I'll have to consider once my work schedule is clearer and when I can mentally prepare myself for it, it's impossible to get out of a shift at the moment. Personally I haven't had any experience with a psychiatrist or psychologist, only a school and youth counsellor many years ago. Making the move to see one might be the next step into getting out of this repetitive cycle.

Thank you for the warm welcome and kindest words, I'll be sure to stick around for a while.

[White_Rose]

Hello NSBV

Lovely to hear from you. You are sounding more positive in your last post which is great. If you want some on-the-spot help you can 'talk' via email with beyond blue support. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Chat. This service is available fro 3:00 pm to midnight everyday. It may suit you better than making a phone call. The chat is in real time and could be helpful to you. The Suicide Call Back number is not just for anyone feeling suicidal so don't be afraid to talk if you think this will help.

Good idea about your long service leave. It may be very useful to take a few weeks off and get you out of the stress for a while. I don't know if you have considered this but if you see your GP he/she may suggest medication to help with your anxiety. Many people find this helps to keep them on an even keel which in turn helps to cope with life's problems. No need to get concerned about it, you will not become addicted which I know is a worry for many people. Meds are much better these days.

Unfortunate your friend was unwell and could not meet with you. Perhaps you can get together another day.

Have you thought of listing all your work skills? I mean the skills you use in your job or have learned elsewhere. E.g. good communicator, efficient record keeping, good driving skills, punctual. You can use this list in applying for another job but I think it's good to take stock of your skills and give yourself a pat on the back.

It is good to read other threads and respond to them where you feel comfortable. This is stretching your boundaries just a little in a way you can keep control.

Mary