Extreme guilt from past mistakes, what can I do?

[fallenone]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I’ll try to keep it brief!

I happen to be autistic and also have long line of family mental health issues. I struggle lots with social interactions and have tried my entire life to fit in with others around me.

I have been struggling with anxiety since the age of 8 and about 2 months ago it sparked up again and I had to go to hospital. This time it seemed to latch itself onto memories of when I was younger, specifically stupid things I said or did when I was a kid.

I feel guilt over things which aren’t even my fault, so remembering things which WERE just completely broke me. This led to panic attacks and uncontrollable guilt over things which I was told weren’t even that bad by others, and even people I said them to. Everyone tells me it’s becase I’m autistic but I feel like saying that is just an excuse, and now everytime I try to reassure myself I feel like I’m just making up excuses too.

What I feel guilt over were never meant to be offensive and at the time I was simply young and socially clueless - yet the guilt won’t go away. It’s like I constantly need reassurance and forgiveness from mistakes that were childish jokes, statements and ignorance.

Upsetting people has always been my worse fear, so when I look back at these things I cringe so much and just wish I could change them. I tried so hard to impress others and get people to like me that it ended in me hating myself.

I would also like to clarify I don’t think I actually offended anyone by anything I said. Most of the things were ironic dark humour which others thought were hilarious, so I joined in because I wanted to be liked and make people laugh. I feel horrible by it, especially because I’m pretty sure some of it was actually bullying as they would say things behind people’s back and I would join in as everyone else did.

Some of the things I also worry over happened when I was 15, and although that was over a year ago now I keep beating myself up over it as I should’ve known better... I feel like an idiot and a horrible person. I was so desperate for people to like me because I was lonely and scared of being bullied and disliked as I’ve had horrible experiences of being bullied before that I sometimes said things I loathed others for saying because I realised they were LIKED for it. I feel like a hypocrite.

In short, how do you overcome guilt?

How do I learn to move on, especially when my anxiety keeps telling me I don’t deserve to be forgiven?

[jess334]

Hi Fallenone,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story.

I am not sure if this rehashing is a character of autism, but it certainly is common with anxiety.

I also still feel guilty about some ridiculously small things I did when I was a kid - like being mean to my brothers, or refusing to play with my little sister. Things that the other person doesn't even remember. It stays in my head and pops up randomly to make me feel guilty.

I haven't found a 'cure' for this yet, however I did find reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris helpful as he demonstrates a few diffusion exercises which is the practice of noticing your thoughts while not getting bogged down in them. He calls this the struggle switch and there is a great little video here: https://youtu.be/rCp1l16GCXI

Mindfulness can be a good way to help you calm down in the moment when you are feeling overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Have you tried some guided mindfulness exercises? I like the free app called Smiling Mind.

I hope you find these helpful. Please keep posting, this us a great safe space to talk to other like-minded people.

Jess

[therising]

Hi fallenone

I would suggest the reason for you facing guilt involves the fact that you are becoming such a conscious person. One who is not willing to grow or evolve is one who does not reflect on where improvements can be made in their life.

Personally, I prefer to see guilt as kind of like a signpost. Let me explain my impression of guilt:

I imagine myself walking on a well defined path, through a calm non-threatening type of forest. The forest can be a little dark at times, matching my thoughts about myself (in regard to things I may regret having said or done). When I am sick of dealing with my dark thoughts (that dark part of the forest), all of a sudden I will find myself facing 2 paths. One will be a continuation of the path I'm on. The other will be a new path, which defines me as a new person, eager to change my ways. GUILT is the signpost that stops me, asking me to become conscious of my choices. Without that signpost of 'guilt', I cannot consciously change direction.

When I find myself feeling a sense of guilt in my life fallenone, I recognise this as a moment where I am being asked 'Who do I want to be from this moment onward? Which path do I wish to take?' Although I may not feel proud about the unenlightened behaviour I leave behind me, I shift my focus to feeling proud of taking the enlightened path ahead of me. And I grow, I evolve.

Guilt can either be something we stand facing for the rest of our life or it can become our call to greater consciousness, our signpost.

Take care of yourself fallenone as you begin to move forward through the act of giving yourself release from that unenlightened path. I wish for you great adventure as you consciously choose the best path ahead of you, beyond guilt.

[fallenone]

Thank you for the reply!

I was very nervous about posting as I’ve never posted on a public forum before but I’m very glad I have done due to how nice everyone is.

I don’t believe I have tried out what you suggested but I will have a look at the app you mentioned, as I believe I heard someone talk about it before to me as well! I also really found the video helpful too and I’m going to keep an eye out for that book at my local library.

Some days I’ll be able to look back at a negative memories and move on and other times I can’t seem to let it go, so I will definitely be sure to check out what you suggested 🙂

Thank you for the reply and support, I really appreciate it!

[fallenone]

Thank you for the reply!

and wow, your analogy of guilt is very interesting and helpful.

I have never looked at it like that before and that’s a very useful way to view things. I will definitely keep this in mind!

Thanks again, I really appreciate your help.