This is my first step...

[reggie11]

Well this is hard, and embarrassing, but if I don't do something soon I fear that I will have lost everybody in the world that I love.  I have only just discovered this forum and have been very touched by the stories and amazing support provided by many wonderful people so I'm hoping that by writing this and putting it out there that I too can start to move forward from my mental illness.

I'm a 52 yo female with a self diagnosed extreme anxiety disorder.  I am not currently receiving any medical treatment for this but do acknowledge that I must see a gp asap.  On reflection I believe that I have suffered from this disorder in some form most of my life and have had a few short stints on anti-depressant medication over the past 10 years but didn't really feel any relief from them.  I don't have a regular gp in this city and the thought now of finding one and actually getting to an appointment terrifies me.

You see I have become almost completely debilitated by my illness.  I have successfully, over the past five years or so, lost all my friends and many relatives.  One of my sons will not have anything to do with me and has denied me access to my beautiful twin baby grand-daughters.  Another son has schizophrenia and has put me through a harrowing 10 yrs or so but thankfully he is stable atm and has just recently left home and moved into his own accommodation with the help of mental health services.  I am extremely worried now about my 30 yo daughter that lives with me as I am starting to see signs that she is developing an illness due to my 'madness'.  Last night she told me that she had been advised to 'just leave me' so I expect that this will occur in the coming weeks.  I see hatred in her eyes every time she looks at me. I have another daughter not at home who is supportive of me, and who will I know, help me on the road to recovery.

What is my 'madness'? Well I just can't do anything. I can't answer the phone, or the door.  I can't look for a job because it causes me too much anxiety.  I really struggle these days to leave the house, anxious that someone will see me.  I can no longer manage my life and it is crumbling down around me very quickly.  I have no income atm and I am too anxious about that to go to social security.  I will lose my home very soon if I don't get help.

I'm sick of spending my days crying and shaking and I owe it to my family to try to recover and reinstate 'normality' in our lives.

[Snoman]

Hello Reggie 🙂

Welcome to the BB forums, and most importantly...

Congratulations!  You have made a big step forward getting all that down.

The road to recovery is a bumpy one, but worth the fight.  I hope you follow through with seeing a GP.  Please ask for a mental health plan so you can get 10 free/subsidised therapy sessions.

As for your "madness", as you will have picked up from reading through the BB forums, anxiety and depression are both very debilitating - you are not alone there.  But you have been very strong to get through as much as you have even with anxiety.

Educate - You and your family.

Does your daughter know about your condition?  Does she understand much about anxiety disorder?  Perhaps it might help to have an open discussion with her and tell her all your darkest and terrifying thoughts and feelings.

I can't imagine your daughter hating you if she knew everything you were going through and everything you were doing for your family.

Snoman

[Onion33]

For me, medication was a needed first step. It allowed my brain to have a 'buffer moment' where I had time to think logically and use non medicated techniques like mindfulness meditation.

Before this, I was in such a state of fear and panic, I couldn't think straight at all until the medication eased this severity. 

You may need family support whille getting on medication ( it was rough for me ). Perhaps explain to your family that you want to get well and need their help. Hearing this may be a huge relief to them

[Neil_1]

Hi there Reggie

And welcome to you to Beyond Blue and thank you for being able to share your post too.

First up with GP’s;  on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of them that can be searched for.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all experienced in dealing with patients presenting with mental health issues – so hopefully that may reduce any of your fears, etc about going to see one;   as they will support and comfort you and also provide you with appropriate referrals (if needed) to perhaps a counsellor or psychologist and/or perhaps medications if they feel it may help.

You do not have ‘madness’ nor do you have signs of ‘mad’ behaviour, etc.  What you’ve described happens to so many of us and take it from me, we are not mad;  I am not mad – although that yellow and pink elephant on my shoulder doing cartwheels eating an icecream is rather funny!!  I do wish he’d just sit down in the mud puddle where all his mates are!  Don’t worry, it’s only early in the morning and my meds will kick in quite soon.

With regard to your other daughter, a couple of questions.  (a)  does she live close by to you?   So that you may get to see her a bit more;  and for the potential that she might be able to drive you to a doctor’s appointment, so you don’t have to go alone;   &  (b)  do you think it possible that she might be able to talk to her other siblings and to explain to them about this awful illness that you’re battling with – it might just be more well received if it comes from her (I guess providing that they have good sibling relations?)

Just a couple of thoughts there for you.   I do hope you can post back.

Neil

[reggie11]

ty ty ty Snoman, Onion and Neil - all wonderful caring individuals offering sound and sensible advice 🙂

I was unaware of 'mental health plans' before visiting this site and it is certainly something that I will be pursuing.   I suppose one of the excuses I had for not seeking help previously was that I knew that I could not afford professional therapy so my spirits are greatly lifted knowing that these plans are available.

I agree that medication must be my first step.  I really have become quite ill, particularly over the past six months and I can't deny that any longer.  My experience with such meds is limited and unfortunately I have found them of little benefit in the past but my illness was not as acute back then.  As you say Onion, they may help me start to think straight again and that would be an enormous relief.  I expect that it will be a journey though, especially having seen my son's experience with many different anti-psychotic meds and dosages over the years.  Today I made a promise to myself to get to a doctor next week - an ordinarily simple goal but for me one that will take some courage.

Yes my supportive daughter is close by and she visits me several times a week.  She has a very good relationship with her sister who lives with me and she is well positioned to be the one to help me have the conversation with her siblings.  I agree Snoman that it is important to educate myself and my family about anxiety disorder.  To be honest it is not something that I have discussed with them before but I know that my girls have put in some effort to understand their brother's illness so I hope that they will do the same with mine.

Ty again all for your kindness and wisdom

*hugs*

[reggie11]

Oh and with regards to the pink elephant Neil...haha too funny! Thankyou for putting a smile on my face 🙂

[Onion33]

Hi Reggie

 Good luck with the Gp. I hope they help with with medication and another support mechanism like talking to a professional.

I started feeling better about 7-10 days after starting medication. I did truly struggle in that first week. I had my mum or husband with me at all times (because I had a new born). I felt pretty crazy getting on the med, but I kept telling myself "these crazy thoughts are just the medication adjusting in my body. This will pass, I just need to stick it out". So glad I did! Felt better and been feeling better ever since.

Good luck.

[Nadselise]

Hi Reggie,

I feel for you. I have mild to moderate anxiety, and it's exhausting.

I would start by getting your daughter to take you to a Gp. It's going to be hard, but it's the first step. You are not alone.

I have learnt a great deal about myself while dealing with anxiety. Getting healthy requires you to put in the work, it's not just about going on medication. There is a lot of things you can learn to manage your anxiety and find quality of life. Good luck.

[Pixie15]

Hi reggie11,

I have some anxious features but I am more driven to do something when I am anxious which can lead to a lot of wasted effort really. My partner suffers anxiety I think which is more like what you describe. He is more likely to avoid doing anything at all until he absolutely can not avoid it. 

Please try and be kind to your daughter who lives with you. It is very frustrating to watch someone you love not being able to do the simple things necessary to improve the quality of their life and enduring what seems to be unnecessary suffering. If there is hate in your daughters eyes it may be for the illness you are suffering and not for you as her mother.

cheerio,

Grateful.