The narcissist smear campaign

[Orangeicy]

Hey everyone.

I've been thinking about smear campaigns...the evil, vile, insidious way a narcissist will try to alienate you.

I think I am finding myself in the middle of one. People looking at me like I just rolled in dog poo and staying away like I've got the plague.

I'm not sure what it being said and I don't want to know either  I'm sure it's vile.

Everything I read says just ignore and don't engage. That eventually the narcissist will reveal themselves, the lies and hurt they've caused.

The eventually is all good. It's the right now that is doing my head in. How do you deal with the right now without going crazy?

[smallwolf]

hello.

It sounds like this is really effecting you! And from what I know what you have mentioned is correct - that is, about not engaging. (They are the also looking for a reaction from you to help their battle.)  And the worst is that you don't know what be being said. It is also heart breaking that some may believe the lies that are being said!

Perhaps one thing you could say to those is "I'm sorry that you feel that way".

Unfortunately we cannot control what another can/will/should do... all we can do is control is what we do and how we react.

[sbella02]

Orangeicy,

Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this, and I welcome you to the forums. I empathise with you fully. I had an interaction with a formerly close friend that ended like this, and they had a unique and terrifying knack for turning people against somebody at will. 

I'd like to second Smallwolf's advice, in that it's so important to avoid engaging with them. This is one thing that I learnt the hard way, as my response to them only inflamed the situation. It's important to remember that somebody with narcissistic traits will only have power over you if you let them, as it's common for them to be seeking a certain reaction or response from you that they can weaponise against you. Take the moral high road, no matter how much it hurts. Not only does this diffuse the situation, but it can also be a good way to demonstrate to others that this person's attempts to alienate you are not based in truth.

I would also be careful with how you speak about this person to others. Particularly with mutual friends, it is important to remain cordial about the situation and avoid speaking ill of this person. Unfortunately, because people with narcissistic tendencies can appear charismatic and friendly, speaking ill of them may be weaponised against you and be used to justify the story they are perpetuating. Speaking with dignity about them to others also shows maturity and respect, which can coincidentally earn them a reputation of being untrustworthy too.

It can be so incredibly frustrating and isolating to feel like somebody is turning others against you, or making you look bad socially. If you're looking for ways to cope with such awful feelings in the meantime, journalling was so helpful for me. Writing out what I would've said, or could say if I had the courage, opportunity, and free will. It's therapeutic to express your thoughts in this way, and it can also help alleviate some of the emotion in future interactions with this person, should such interaction occur.

I wish you all the best in this situation. I empathise with you. I hear you. Trust yourself, act with dignity, and try your best not to do or say anything you may regret later. 

Take care, SB

[Orangeicy]

Thank you for your thoughts on this. You are right about the what to say to people IF they choose to talk to me and not just believe the lie.

I've had thoughts of saying 

- the friendship wasn't mutual

Or pointing out that a story always has version 1, version 2 and the truth smack in the middle. Without dishing out any additional information other than my auto response.

Just messes with your mind so much!

[Orangeicy]

Thank you for input in this. I haven't said anything to anybody in the social group I know this person is in. But she is SO nice (perfectly slimy poison dripping niiice) that everyone seems to fall for her charms. So even talking to new people have me guard myself and keeping everything top secret, because I don't trust how far her tentacles reach. It's like being attacked x2. Narcissist first and then God knows how many flying monkeys.

• I will take your advice on journalling. So far I only used it to write down emotions and enterpret my own reaction to things so I can get better at deflecting an attack and not take it to heart (wish it was that easy).

Can I ask how long you felt like you actively had to stand your ground before the attacks subsided? Did anyone see the Narcissists true colours?

[sbella02]

Orangeicy, 

I completely understand. Often people with this kind of social charm and charisma will also have a lot of connections, so I think a little vigilance in social situations is important here. 

I was friends with this person for many years, and I eventually learnt that it didn't matter what I said to them, they weren't truly listening to anything that I had to say and didn't recognise how or when to take responsibility for things that they had done.

So in answer to your question, I stood my ground for as long as I could bear it, but in the end I found it was better to just fall on my sword in front of them to diffuse the conflict, so long as I could still recognise within myself what I knew the truth to be.

Many people had seen this manipulative side of this person, and even other friends of mine who didn't know them personally would comment on how toxic and manipulative their behaviour was towards me and other people around them, asking me why I was still friends with somebody who would treat me and others around me like that. I wasn't the first person to fall out with them/to be targeted by, as you say, a smear campaign. And I certainly won't be the last.

Wishing you luck with your journalling endeavours, please let me know how it goes! I'd love to hear more from you, if you'd be willing to continue sharing.

SB

[Orangeicy]

Sbella02.

Sorry it has taken me a little to respond. Christmas holidays has kept be blissfully busy with kids to worry too much about this woman.

But now with school edging closer my nerves are returning. I know it sounds like such a cliché saying that this occurred in a mum group at my children's primary school.

Anyway, my eldest (mum narc and her monkeys have kids in my sons year) was asking to catch up with friends before school goes back next week. Sure kid. Want him to feel safe starting in a new class. 

It is safe to say the mum of my sons friend has had a little visit from a flying monkey. The same mum the narc initially had a problem with too, telling everyone how annoying and obnox she is. I quite like her and won't let people make up my mind for me.

She obviously doesn't know she is disliked..an outcast like me. But quick enough to jump on the bandwagon of not talking to me.

I am so Frustrated!! I am over people!! Whatever happened to people thinking for themselves making up their own minds about someone. I fully feel like I cannot talk to anybody because of this rumour (whatever it is) spreads before me.

Sorry. Rant over. My diary wouldn't have coped too well with the angry stabbing of a pen haha

[therising]

Hi Orangeicy

Some mums can be such feral bizarre creatures, especially when they get together in a pack. Btw, I'm a mum myself, to a couple of legends (20yo gal and 17yo guy). Can recall back in the primary school days how there used to be a pack of mums who'd stand at the front gate every day before and after school. I'd give them a smile, like I do with most people I come across and they'd always give me some disapproving glare. I'd never done anything to upset them. Always left me feeling horrible. Eventually, I came to think 'Why don't they just be done with it and spray around the front gate'. Mark your territory ladies 😅

I bet you're an amazing person who is worth far more than the highly questionable closed minded behaviours others. Some people definitely have a vibe to them. You can feel their judgement, feel the way they stand when you walk past them, feel the degrading tone in their voice, their disapproving glare etc. You can also get a feel for the type of group you want to be around (inspiring, uplifting, relaxing, encouraging etc), the kind of people who don't lead you to feel like garbage or lead you to feel yourself in a state of dread.

If you wanted to, you could always use these people to practice on when it comes to mastering your skills in reading people. So much better for self esteem when you practice getting a feel for people's nature, as opposed to letting their nature impact you. Getting a feel for someone's nature could look like...If a person's narcissistic behaviour is leading us to feel down or depressed in some way, we could say we have the ability to sense a depressing nature when we feel one. Whether we want to be bold or cheeky and ask a narcissist 'Have you ever wondered about why you're so depressing' is another thing.

[sbella02]

Orangeicy,

That's okay, don't feel pressured to respond immediately (or indeed at all) if you're not up to it. Life happens, I understand. Glad to hear that your Christmas break was blissful, sounds like that would've been a refreshing change to the brewing situation with this person. 

I hear you. It's frustrating to feel isolated like this. I'm also still having trouble with the same friend who has narcissistic tendencies, and it's starting to infiltrate my life in unprecedented ways. I've been trying to look at it from a different perspective - it's made me more grateful to have other people around me who support and uplift me, who I can trust have my back as much as I have theirs. It can also help us recognise potential signs of narcissistic behaviour in the future. In psychology we call this kind of thinking "reframing" - essentially, a change of perspective can often help us cope with difficult situations. 

Please feel free to rant as much as you'd like. I'm here to listen and offer my support wherever possible. I know how therapeutic it can be to express these kinds of situations in a written way.

SB