Terrified

[Jessie83]

I work with parents with mental illness, and what would they think if they knew I had one too!? I teach mindfulness, how come I can't teach it to myself? Not that anyone would know. I have the smile and calm voice down pat.

I'm white knuckled, wide eyed, hyperventilating sort of terrified of most things these days. I can barely swallow a panadol without thinking I am near to death from an allergic reaction or brain tumour. How do you tell someone you are a hypochondriac, when it all feels so real? Positive test results lead to a few moments of peace until the next fear comes up. Or else I disappear above myself and turn glassy eyed, dizzy brained and vacant.

Small spaces make me want to die. I braved a 6 hour plane ride and was pacing/crying both ways despite the hefty dose of anti-anxiety medication. I keep waiting for things to get better. 

How do I stop giving this fear to my future offspring? Even when I have my mind together I am still afraid. How do I avoid driving my lovely partner away?

Official diagnosis of PTSD/panic disorder with agoraphobic tendancies. Probably sitting more on general anxiety these days. Feeling lost and so alone in my crazy little world. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Jessie83,

Flipping that around, how do you know that the parents you work with wouldn't be more reassured to discover that the person speaking with them can understand what they're going through?  That's not a suggestion that you should disclose your situation at work, that's a choice that you will need to make, but just keep it there as a thought exercise.

What's more concerning is that you feel alone and not on top of your anxiety.  Are you able to talk to your partner openly about how you're feeling?  How do those conversations go?

It sounds like you have access to medication, but what about therapy?  Working through intense phobias and PTSD flashbacks is not a journey you should attempt alone, nor should you feel inadequate because you need the help.

Hopefully you won't feel so lost and alone now that you're posting here, there are plenty of us who have been in our own crazy little worlds (and are still there!).  Take a little time to congratulate yourself on the work you do, which is obviously well received and appreciated despite how you're feeling on the inside.

Thoughts from others?

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[Beetle]

HI Jessie 83.

Your story has similarities to mine. I work in the medical field and telll others what to do, to clam down, deep breath and relax. I couldt tell myself that. I felt terrible for years, had panic attacks and even problems to walk at times. I got told that I am so strong that i could push away those anxieties during work but they came out once i was home.I went to counceling for my flashbacks and trauma i went through,. that helped a bit. But lately i got worse and got medication. I just started and i feel an inner peace i havent felt for a long long time.

HOw do your meds help you? Do you do counceling just because u teach mnindfulness to others doesnt mean u have to be able to teach yourself that. I cant do it and need help from others. Just because our brain seems to switch off when we are anxious and depressed. I can see that now because the meds lift the brain fog.

I hope u find some supportive councilour and some meds which work for you

Keep us updated how u go 🙂

Beetle

[Colin]

Hi Jessie83,

A doctor can have immense knowledge of brain tumours, for instance, and can perform surgery to correct these conditions with incredible success. This does not exclude him from having a brain tumour. Mental illness is not different. I know of several psychologists who themselves suffer from depression. Apparently the chemical activity of the brain has a significant influence on whether you experience a mental illness. I’ve had depression and anxiety for most of my adult life; 30+ years, and it’s only been within the last month that I’ve been relieved of the symptoms of these conditions as a consequence of new prescribed medication.

Seek professional help or advise your treating practitioner of what you’re experiencing. Investigate the benefit of meeting with a psychologist to see what strategies they might offer. In the mean time

consider this:

Reserve 8% of Your Time for Worry.

A survey regarding worry revealed these facts:

·         40 percent of things most people worry about never happen;

·         30 percent of what we worry about has already happened and cannot be changed;

·         22 percent of what we worry about regards problems which are beyond our control;

·         only 8 percent of what we worry about are situations over which we have any influence.

Focus on what you can influence and accept yourself for who you are – an imperfect, growing, changing human being. I wish you well.

[Jessie83]

Thank you beetle 🙂 Yes I am still pondering whether I should go back on meds. I was on an SSRI nd it was great. It helped lift me out of a fog. I can't really tell if I am in the middle of one again or not (it's quite possible!) 

I am trying ACT therapy. I am also considering biofeedback therapy. I have picked up a little in the last few weeks but still feel weird. I normally feel quite void of most emotions aside from distress, but lately I have been feeling teary/sad and excited and loving and a few others. I'm not sure if that is a good sign or bad. 

Glad to hear meds are working for you. It is such a relief to feel the greyness lifting! Tahnks for replying to my post 🙂 🙂

[Jessie83]

Thanks for your reply. I did post one but I think it was lost in cyber space. Yup I have a great partner who is able to feel and show a great deal of empathy/care/love to me, particularly in times of great distress. I think maybe I switch it around and think "how would I cope with a partner like me" and I feel that I would leave me, so it makes me sad that I am firstly not the sort of partner I would like to be, and fearful that he might leave me. Thebn I think that of course I couldn't take on a partner like me; I am not coping, but my partner is well and so is able to support me through this time. I have access to sedatives when I fly on planes, but no regular medication for the last 5 years or so. I am seriously considering it now as I had such a great result last time I was on it. I am also looking for a new job, my job is notoriously high stress and everyone experiences some degree of vicarious trauma; me so maybe more as I am already vulnerable to it. It will be nice to do something else for a change 🙂

[Jessie83]

Thank you Colin 🙂 I am investigating different types of psychology at the moment. I think I will continue with ACT therapy, and am considering doing some biofeedback. My new psych has suggested that as I have PTSD it is likely I have some weird trauma pathways in my thought processes, and if I can address that I may experience some relief. I like the idea of addressing this kind of scientifically or medically, as I have not had a great deal of success with traditional talk therapy in the past. The idea in ACT is to accept and live iwth anxiety and that sounds quite appealing, as I have almost given up hope I will ever experience life in any other way.