Advice?

[bfay02]

Hello,

I'll start off by telling whoever is reading a little about myself. I am a 19 year old female who suffers from anxiety and depression. Signs of this began in my early teens (13-14) when my half sister was born, i started self mutilating, wouldnt move out of my room, etc. To cut an extremely long and painful story short - My biological father has denied me from day dot as he suffers from a herion addiction, my mother is also a drug addict but she abuses perscription pain killers, my step father is abusive and all sorts of messed up. My mums first husband (when I was around 5-7) used to physically abuse me and my mum she quickly moved on to her husband she is still with now (the crazy one).

In my teens my mother relied on me a lot to look after my sister and then shortly after, brother. Because my step dad is too fat and lazy to do anything ever, he was always either blind drunk or at work. My mum used to mix so many manipulative toxic things into my mind about my step dad, telling me he is a bad person etc.. So many mixed messages, but when it comes down to it what she really taught me was, men are garbage "the dirt you walk on!" So now you have the jist - my childhood was pretty sh*t.

I have seen so many different psycholigsts etc and they all just p*ss me off because they all say the same "when you're angry try and breath deeply!" i tell you right now, when i am mad i am not stopping to "breathe!" I'm not stopping for anything...I know what my problem is, i can easily identify when I am acting out etc, its just i still cant control it, the rage for no aparent reason, the lashing out at my boyfriend, the bossiness, and most of the time, the tears. I cry so much all the time over nothing at all. I find myself sitting in my bathroom with the worst pain in my chest just wailing and if I am found by my partner i simply cant explain why I am so distraught. I simply tell him its "everything!" .... My main problem is that my first boyfriend, I cheated on because I was so accustom to my mothers ways (i watched her cheat on my step dad multiple times) once i pulled myself out of those ways and taught myself that those actions are dead wrong is when i met my boyfriend now - and here is where i need help -

He is a great guy, really nice, caring. He opened up his home to me. He has his demons too, and he has an anger issue, when he is mad there is no stopping him, he even gets violent (never with me! i promise) I find myself spending a lot of money on him and I do absolutely everything for him, like cook, clean, wash his clothes, etc... and he doesnt do anything, but proceeds to tell me that I am lazy! Anywho, thats not the point... I care for him, a lot. We laugh, play and i have a lot of fun with him but i am not sure he is the one. He makes me really mad, he is extremely stubborn & selfish and I cannot handle that at all. When we fight its always huge cause he always needs to be right. I never receive any token of appreciation for what I do for him either - ever!  I know i dont love him, and its because of the 'stubborn/selfish' trait and when I try to leave him, I cant!? I am so petrified of being alone and everything else that comes after that. I know i am doing the wrong thing by wasting his time. I want to do the right thing, i really do. But i am so so scared. What do i do?

[buganah]

Thanks for your post bfay02.  You're not alone, there're are people here to listen.  You do seem to be having the rough end of it at the moment, but the great thing about life is we can make changes and start enjoying it. Life really can be wonderful and I'm sure you have seen moments with your partner, "He is a great guy, really nice, caring....."  Don't let the bad cloud the good.

The most interesting thing in your whole post is you said "I know I don't love him".  We are all afraid of being alone at times, but it's not that bad because it allows us the time to really,...really find out what we want.  It allows us time to plan, to write a list of, "what do I want in my life".

Being scared is ok too.  Each of us humans on this earth will feel it in our lives.  So try and not focus on that but use it to make good decisions.  Only you will be able to chose if you can tolerate his traits which effect you or if you need to move to a place where you are able to be single and make some changes to your life.

Believe in your self.  Love your self.  We all do.  Have faith and trust in your own decision making and will be correct.  Make a goal and go after it. and if I can leave you with the one thing that has always kept me going......never  never give up.

cheers. bug

[buganah]

O yeah forgot to say.......you're amazing for putting up your first post, well done,.....it's the first step....just like me.....

cheers. bug

[Ragnarok]

Hello bfay02,

Life can be a real pain sometimes, and I can't say if it gets better or worse. There are, however, many opportunities to learn and grow. Things that happened to us in childhood, especially things our parents do, can have a lasting effect that runs into adulthood. Stoopid parents. The way parents treat their kids can leave an imprint, a program, that can last for years affecting us in countless ways. But their behaviours are basically their own programs which they acquired in their own childhood from their own parents and experiences. So our parents had bad experiences, and they pass those onto their kids, who pass them onto their kids, and so on. It's a vicious cycle.

I recently encountered a book that I think may be extremely useful for you. It's called Running on Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. I myself encountered emotional neglect, and in some cases emotional abuse, from my own parents (though they weren't aware of what they were doing or the harm they were causing). My neglect was different to yours, but the book will still be extremely useful for you. It talks about different parenting styles (including the addicted parent), the neglected child grown up, self-care, and much more. I highly recommend the book.

Hope this helps.

Ragnarok