Hello- I need someone to listen..

[MeganRN]

Hi everyone-

My name is Megan.  I'm 35 years old and have struggled with anxiety/depression and bipolar disorder since I was about 20 years old.  I thought I had concurred my demons - but apparently I was wrong.  I went all through nursing school (even graduated with an invitation to join a prestigious nursing honor society) with minimal anxiety.  Up until the end of school I was only taking my regular medications.... but everything changed and has not gone back.  I am currently dealing with an 18 year old son who is having a difficult time with life.  I just transitioned into a new job - which I love and I am so scared I will lose if they find any of this out.  

I have panic attacks DAILY.. sometimes HOURLY.... I get through the day with

medication.. sometimes that doesn't even help.  I have had my heart checked and although I do have benign PVC's and some mitral valve regurgitation - there is nothing wrong with my heart.... I feel like once I figure out that I am not going to die from my symptoms- my body attempts to fool me with new symptoms.... Now I feel like my head has pressure and sometimes I feel as if I'm going to pass out.... often I feel this way.... My palms get sweaty, I feel sick.. I know this is anxiety because it only happens when I leave my house and if I take medication I feel better.. .if it was really something with my brain or heart- this medication would not help it.... 

My husband tries to be supportive but he get sick of it , I'm sure...   I would too... I'm just looking for a friend or someone to talk to.. I feel so alone and hopeless.. I signed up for an intensive outpatient program through Rogers Memorial which is a leading hospital when it comes to Anxiety.. but they have me on a waitlist.. so who knows how long it will take before I can get in..  

Thanks for listening.. 

[geoff]

dear Megan, point taken and we can hear what you are saying.

Can I just ask a couple of questions which you can reply to, and it's only to get a little more knowledge of where you are.

What concerns you more, your new job, your son, or the lack of support from your husband, or it can be a combination of all of them.

I am never sure that we can ever be free of depression, anxiety or bipolar once we have had to suffer from it, as we are prone to it's idiosyncrasies.

Personally I feel good but I know what the triggers are that could bring me undone, but when I am feeling slightly done then I could be over swamped and then fall back into depression, but it still doesn't matter if I am prepared to face the black dog, because there are times when I just lay down and let it take me, as I am not strong enough to with hold it.

I saw my new psychologist yesterday for the second time, and the usual question always arises, 'what do you have planned for the future', and as usual I couldn't answer him, because by having depression forward planning for can be dangerous, because I always fear that any plans can not be adhered to, plus the fact that I always fear that they will end in disaster, so I take it week by week.

Please return and we are always here for anybody and in this case it's you. L Geoff. x