Social anxiety

[Izfish]

I have always felt nervous and anxious in social situations but I always just thought it was shyness. Ever since I moved to high school (now in grade 12) my anxiety started getting a lot more serious and intense.

A lot of my friends have started going to parties and drinking and just being teenagers. But I am unable to do this.

The first and last party I went to was one that my friend was holding, all my friends knew i was feeling extremely anxious about going and so I thought that once I got there they would help me get through the night. As soon as I arrived the one friend who i thought would definitely stay with me and make sure i was ok, was the first one i saw and she started critising what i was wearing, I just let this wash over me because I didn’t think it was anything to be caught up on. As we started walking to the tennis court (where the party was being held) i was talking to her trying to take my mind off the situation and she started telling me to shut up and that she didn’t want to hear what I was saying. Anyway at this point I was freaking out because

[CJames]

Hi Izfish,

I feel for you ay; anxiety can be so hard to manage. I want you to know you're welcome to be open on these forums; you're not judged.

I see that your response was cut off, so I'll go off what you've said so far.

I like you are also in year twelve, jeez it's a stressful time, isn't it? Anxiety can change your life, as you have seen, it restricts the way you live your life, in all honesty. You can feel alone and insecure; I want you to know you're not alone. There're places such as Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 or Headspace where you can speak your mind and be yourself.

You know that song, "In My Blood" by Shawn Mendes, I feel that describes anxiety so well.

I feel for you, not being able to live the full potential of a teenager, I do. But hey you've reached out on the forums, that's an excellent first step and takes a lot of courage, we'll try and guide you so that you can become the life of the party (if you want that of course).

What strategies do you currently have in place to manage your anxiety? Have you spoken to a GP or psychiatrist about your anxiety before?

I commend you for getting up and going to that party, that takes heroism, as daunting as it probably looked.

I'm sorry about how your friend insulted what you were wearing, often people don't know what to say, not an excuse for what was said, but keep that in mind. If you don't mind me asking, how did you feel about what you were wearing?

Duude, RE: "she started criticising what I was wearing, I just let this wash over me because I didn’t think it was anything to be caught up on." Good move, keep this up, don't get caught up on the small things. I'm sure you looked as good as everyone, even better.

That was really rude of her to tell you to shut up, How's your relationship with her? Does she usually say things such as this?

Hopefully, this has helped so far.

Keep us updated.

Best of luck,

C.

[Croix]

Dear Lzfish~

I read your other thread at

Forums / Depression / Lonely and confused

which together with this one gives a pretty good idea of the difficulties you are facing, which is pretty unfair. It doesn't help that the person you thought was you friend turned out not to be, in face a rather cruel and insensitive person.You would have felt dreadful.

You did say you were worried about having depression, and also here that you worry a lot in social situations. Well depression is just a label. It is how you feel that is important. Like CJames and others have suggested getting some help might be pretty good idea.

How do you get on with your parents and family? Is htere someone oyu might like y to talk with? If it is your parents they might like you to see a doctor. If not then seeing a GP by yourself or a help line like Kids Help Line or eHeadspace would be pretty good.

Trying to go it alone simply makes life more difficult when help is available. Talking to a professional is not that hard once you get started. If you think face to face or voice is too hard, then you could use web-chat.

Going to parties is OK for some, however not everyone, in fact many would find it uncomfortable and awkward, you are not alone in that, I too did not like them and never go. There are ways to enjoy yourself that do not involve parties or drinking. Would you like to say what you do enjoy doing?

The real down of what you have said is that you are finding that not everyone can be relied upon to be a friend. There is no magic answer that tells you who is who, often one finds out the hard way - as you have this time. That does not mean there are to others who are good to be with and considerate. If you look at it the other way around I suspect you are one of the ones that makes a good friend.You have sensitivity and know what is important.Would you agree?

I hope you come back and feel comfortable enough to talk here some more

Croix

[Izfish]

Thankyou so much for your reply and your kind words!! I don’t really have any strategies in place at the moment. I finally reached out to my running coach (I really struggle talking to people, I havent talked to someone in a deep way since I was 14) so this was a big step, he helped me a lot and made me feelcomfortable when I was talking to him, but he hasn’t brought it up for over 2 weeks and I’m worried that he doesn’t want to be involved and that it’s too complicated for him. He was literally the only person I had in mind that I could trust if I ever needed to seriously talk to someone. Now I just feel super alone again and so isolated because I always said to myself if things get really bad at least I can talk to my running coach. But now I’m not so sure, I want to bring it up again but it was hard enough the first time

re what I was wearing, I felt comfortable in it, if I wore anything else i think that would have just added to my anxiety, but by my friend commenting on it she made me feel more insecure than I already was feeling

Re how was my relationship with her - we used to be best friends but a lot happened (I think she was a major factor in the development of my social anxiety) but at the party we weren’t best friends but we were still pretty close

I have never spoken to a GP or anyone like that, as I said above I haven’t ever really spoken to anyone about it, the only way my friends know that I have social anxiety is that I joke about it because that’s the only way i feel comfortable/know how to talk about it. But they don’t seem to catch or care.

Thanks again for your help

[Izfish]

Thankyou for your response it really means a lot that you are taking time to help me!! I get along really well with my family but I honestly can’t talk to them about this because 1. I don’t want to worry them and 2. When I am at home it is the one place where I can forget all my problems and just relax. As I said in my response to CJames, I have recently reached out to my running coach who was supportive and helpful but he hasn’t brought it up again in over 2 weeks and I am worried why. I don’t know why I find it so hard to talk to people and open up to them. I really wish I found it easy like most other people!

Re what I like doing - I love to go outdoors and go on adventures, whether it’s mountain biking, swimming in a creek or playing sport. The only problem is that all my friends are so absorbed in parties that they don’t want to take part in things that i enjoy.

Thanks again for your help!!!

[PamelaR]

Hi Izfish

Life is sounding a little frightening for you at the moment. Having someone to talk to is good. It's unfortunate that you're not sure about your coach. Maybe it could be out of their comfort zone in providing any counselling. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor?

Also, have you thought about joining some clubs or groups that do the sorts of things you like to do in the outdoors. There are a lot of those things out there. Finding one that you like might be trial and error, but you might have some fun trying?

Social anxiety can be the pits, though it can be manageable. There are lots of things out there one can do. If you're interested at all there is a workbook on social anxiety you can work through at your own pace on the University of Western Australia, Centre for Clinical Intervention website.

Let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Izfish]

I feel so overwhelmed and at a dead end. I am so so so lonely. I really want to open up to my friends, but I’m not sure which one I can trust and would understand (probably none). I am really scared that if I told them what I’m going through they would have a lower opinion of me and judge me. I don’t want people to see me differently from what they see now.

Whenever I convince myself that I am going to open up to one of my friends I immediately back out because i feel so so so uncomfortable about the whole situation. I don’t know how to explain the feeling, it’s as though there are massive butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I’m going to throw up and need to get as far away from the situation as possible.

Can someone please help me because I need some advice on how to approach this because I am so sick and tired of feeling so much pain all the time and having to deal with it myself. I’m also sick of hating myself for not being able to open up to people. I don’t know what has been the cause of this problem. I have had an amazing childhood, although I have had a few best friends who weren’t who I thought they were and in a way betrayed me. Please I really need some advice

[baet123]

Hey Izfish,

Sorry to hear that you feel overwhelmed and at a dead end. Opening up can be extremely hard especially as you mentioned you are not sure who you can trust or understand but you can trust us and we understand what you are going through as many of us have had similar experiences.

I know that feeling. I used to build my self up, felt like I was ready to tell people how I feel and then went push came to shove I backed out. This is completely normal and don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to have great courage, bravery and resilience and small steps are totally fine.

The best advice I can give you is keep using these forums to let your emotions out and continue building your confidence and with time you will feel more comfortable opening up to your friends/family. I also recommend if you are comfortable enough doing so is seeing your GP and asking them for a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free psychologist appointments. If you see a psychologist you can tell them as much or as little as you want and they won't pressure you into saying anything your not comfortable with. See if you like the psychologist? You never know! If you develop an instant bond and click with them that would be great for improving your condition.

Lastly I recommend contacting Headspace. They would love to hear from you and are specialist with dealing with mental health conditions of teenagers and young adults (12-25 years of age). They approach an individual's well-being from a holistic standpoint. Please give them a call if you feel up to it. They do great things and are located Australia wide.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Hope this helped.

Baet123

[Izfish]

It’s been over 6 months since I posted and i have now finished school and am at uni. When I was in school I always thought that once I got to uni the change would be good for me and my happiness because i was starting to feel trapped in school (i know now that this was an ignorant thought). But now that I’m at uni i feel just the same as I did at school. My loneliness doesn’t feel as intense anymore because in a way it has become the new normal for me. I have learnt to push it down and not think about it so much because when i do think about it i feel so helpless and confused because there is never an answer for me (except the obvious one of seeking help, which I’m 100% not ready for or comfortable with). It’s so frustrating because I’m always seeing things that say things will get better with time. Well how can this be true when i have been struggling with this for almost 3 years?? I don’t get it.

It’s so hard and confusing because I have a friendship group that I hang out with but every time i do I still feel so alone and empty. I just don’t know what it is that is stopping me from talking to someone. It’s so weird because every time I start to get somewhat close to someone I start to get really uncomfortable and embarrassed and have to do whatever I can to distance myself from that person, otherwise i just feel stupid. I’m just really confused at the moment. Some days will be good like I have gone weeks without feeling too down but it seems that the longer I go without thinking too much about this the harder it is when it all catches up to me.

[Croix]

Dear Lzfish~

Welcome back, it is nice to hear from you and waht is happening in your life, even if the reason is not that good.

First congratulations on getting into uni, it is a different world.

I think in some ways you have things the wrong way around. Naturally you want to be with others, to share both the good and the bad, and to get and give support. Maybe a person has to start with some confidence inside in order to have relationships.

I know we have said this before, and I apologize for repeating it, however professional support is the start. I'm sure you strongly suspect this but am simply stuck. I got worse till I had competent medical help, afterwards I improved. Today I live a good life. Very many other can say the same.

May I suggest, please, that you do not let it become 4 years the same but go to a uni councilor, Headspace or a GP and set out how your life is now, and how it has been for the last 3 years. Then things can start to change. It takes them plus you, but it can work. Simply waiting and hoping is not working.

Seeing someone is not impossible, you did it once, and chose your coach. I do not know why the matter stalled there, probably becuse although sympathetic and understanding your coach did not know enough to do anything. After all in sporting matters a coach can be pretty certain what works, in other areas it can be frightening not to know what to do.

I found that I've had no confidence that I could explain things properly and completely in a face-to-face conversation, and also I thought there was a good chance I'd chicken out on saying the harder things. I'm probably not alone in having felt like this.

So a suggestion is to write everything down - probably point form is simplest and easiest, and take a couple of days to do it, so you get everything, and get it as good as you can. The take it to Headspace or whomever in a long appointment and hand it over.

I found that way the doctor got a complete picture and I only had to answer questions, not try to explain from scratch - plus of course it was too late to omit anything. I've done this more than once, and on every occasion the doctor or therapist has been happy to work that way.

Do you think this is doable?

Croix