Social Anxiety worse for specific events

Lena123 · ‎06-01-2015

I have suffered anxiety for many years and take an anti-depressant, which helps a lot. I suffer from social anxiety all the time, but can generally cope. What has prompted me to join up and make this post is that I have been invited to a hens night and from the moment I was invited I have felt anxious, stressed and had a headache. It's a fancy dress theme. I'm not especially close to the bride to be and dislike hen's nights to start with. I feel that I should just decline the invitation, knowing that the stress will end. This occurs whenever I'm invited to a big event, especially when i can't attend with my husband. What do others with social anxiety do in situations like this? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

Neil_1 · ‎07-01-2015

Dear Lena

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for being able to share this post.

It’s an all too common theme – the old social anxiety stressors; and isn’t it funny, that for most times for a lot of us, we do suffer from this affliction and yet, we somehow progress our way through each day – sometimes successfully and other times, d’oh, not so good.

Ok, so the easy way out is to not show – don’t know if you really wished to hear that, but that’s something that I have done many times and you can get clever at it as well. Usually by a well placed text message to the organiser (which I feel is always a polite thing to do) in the hours leading up to the event; that you’ve come down sick, some kind of bug, one of your children are crook (heavily dependent on whether you have kids), I could list out a lot more, but as I’m doing this it’s all leaning towards the negative; BUT it also the option to ‘end the stress’.

However, if you were to go, do you know many people who will be attending? You’ve mentioned that you’re not overly close to the bride – but are there others going who you consider that you know better and therefore, you’d have people going who you’d feel reasonably comfortable in their company? Two other options here are: (a) and I know I probably shouldn’t promote this as I don’t know how you’re placed on this subject, but alcohol – and hear I’m speaking personally here; but it can be very helpful in these kinds of situations. The old numbing effect and it helps to alleviate stress to a degree; & (b) as it’s a fancy dress up situation, perhaps try to find an outfit/costume that can make you almost kind of “hidden”. What the …, I hear you cry out. Example, a number of years ago, I attended a 40th b’day party of a friend of ours. My partner went as cat-woman and went as batman – complete with all the trimmings, etc – and for me, I found the wearing a mask to be a brilliant thing. It kind of gave me a buffer against the other people at the party. Yes, I could still interact with them, from time to time, but at no time was my full facial expression seen – just my eyes, oh and mouth to partake in a few brews as well. Something along those lines may be a good option as well.

So a couple of thoughts, comments, suggestions there – Lena, I would love to hear back from you on this as to your thoughts.

Kind regards

Neil

Beltane · ‎08-01-2015

Hits Lena. It sure can be tough with social anxiety, especially as you say, some events cause issues, others don't. Everyone with anxiety has their "thing"- like they can't drive, or they need their partner with them. My thing is I need to drive myself, and I need to know where the exits to the room are, and I need the freedom to be able to go home with no pressure on me to stay.

Having said that, theraoy has done me wonders. 3 years ago my anxiety was so bad I hadn't ever been to a concert, hadn't seen a film at the cinema for years, couldn't even do the grocery shopping at one point. Now my anxiety is so far decreased I've been to dozens of concerts (by myself), see any film I like by myself or with others, I can shop for hours now.

i did a type of theraoy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I find it so lovely. If you're interested there is a wonderful book called "the happiness trap" by Dr Russ Harris. The techniques in part 2 changed my entire outlook- ACT really helped.

Don't forget there are many medications, both "everyday" and "as needed". Medications have their place, though only if your doctor thinks they'd suit you.

ive found that there's two outcomes. Forcing yourself to go when it doesn't sound like you really want to go anyway is a whole lot of stress and anxiety for not much reward. Will you enjoy yourself?

On the other hand, I've found that if I continually let my anxiety "win"- as in I let it stop me from going to a party or whatever, it's a lot easier for the anxiety to win next time. Cos my anxious kind says "you couldnt go last time either, you can't go this time, or next time..."

so I think carefully about invites I get, or opportunities for social events. It comes down to: if anxiety wasn't an issue, if it was guaranteed that I wouldn't panic- would I like to go? If the answer is yes, then I work through my coping skills, my strategies, see my therapist if I need to. And I go. Now it doesn't matter if I only go for 5 minutes then leave. The point is that I went. No beating yourself up, no feeling guilty for "not staying longer" or "not talking to anyone".

This is is why I loved ACT so much- it's all about accepting that it is what it is, doing what you can to live the life you truly want, and forgiving yourself and showing yourself compassion if you don't quite do as well as you hoped.

try that book, you can get it as an ebook off amazon. I love it.