Social Anxiety, low self esteem nightmare

[NixonQueen]

Hi there, I’m new to these forums. I thought I’d have a read and see if what I’m feeling is real and why I’m feeling the way I am

long story short, I’ve always had difficulty making new friends I’ve always clung onto a couple of really good friends, however I can never seem to make my own. I have many acquaintances, but always feel as if though I’m not good enough to be their friend or that I’m not interesting enough and it deflates my self esteem and I give up on it. I crave social interactions but at the same time it scares me and I don’t know why.

I have recently started seeing a guy who is really nice, we get along really well. He is a social butterfly And has so many friends that when he invites me to his gatherings I get so much anxiety about it. I worry about what people would think of me, whether I’m going to say something awakened or whether people might think I’m weird and bland because I’m a shy quiet drawn back person and I hate it. I hate feeling that way.
it makes me want to break up with him and avoid it all together.
I’ve been to a few gatherings now and I made myself go and it wasn’t as bad as I thought but I still sit there and worry about what people think of me, I find myself scratching my fingers and I notice it and stop myself but I want it to end.

what do I do?
my whole life I’ve been like this, I’m almost 30 and I just want to enjoy my life and make friends and live life to the fullest but it’s really hard

😒

[Here_I_am]

Hi NixonQueen,

Firstly, I want to assure you that you're not alone. I don't have social anxiety or low self-esteem as you describe, yet I still find it really difficult to make proper friends! I used to be very social and engaged, but after a few incidents that lead to me calling an end to some friendships, I have not been able to connect with new people socially, and for the life of me I cannot work out why. 🙂

So, my wife and I just engage with others as much as opportunity allows, but marvel at how few opportunities leads to anything fulfilling.

Whether you can sustain the energy required to endure the social engagements you and your partner attend will be a call you need to make. Is the reward worth the investment? Is the anxiety you feel something you can work through - perhaps in a counselling setting - so that the reward is more attainable?

In my experience, worrying about what people think of us is FAR worse than knowing what they think of us! 🙂 We can get so worked up on what other people are thinking, but the truth is it's highly unlikely they're thinking a whole lot - especially about just you or I. As far as possible, let yourself off the hook on that one. Chances are other people aren't noticing a whole lot about what's going on around them.

[Step_Twelve]

Hi NixonQueen,

I'm not great at making new friends either so that's not something I can help a lot with, but it's something we share.

I've been reading a lot about vulnerability and shame recently. The author Brene Brown equates vulnerability to courage, and she suggests embracing vulnerability at times when it feels like the absolute last thing we would want to do. I've tried this a few times myself and had some really inspiring results.

Perhaps in your case, this might be having an open and honest discussion with your partner about the discomfort you feel in large gatherings and meeting new people. You might even tell a complete stranger who you're meeting for the first time that you find it hard to relax and have a tendency to worry a lot about what others think of you. Let them know that you're happy to meet them, and if you're quiet it's not because you don't want to be there.

It sounds like an incredibly embarrassing thing to admit out loud, but I've found that most people respond to vulnerability with respect, kindness, and consideration. I also found that when I said these sorts of things out loud I gained a lot more self-confidence. I stopped feeling like my social anxiety was such a shameful thing - it's just a thing that is part of me and that's fine. I accept it and I can work around it. If someone wants to laugh or sneer or be a jerk to me about it, it's probably because they have their own worse problems. Besides, that almost never happens anyway.

You sound like someone who values close, loyal friendships over casual acquaintances, and craves real connection over shallow small-talk. This is a beautiful thing, and people will appreciate it if given the chance. Perhaps you could meet your partner's closest friends just one at time first, rather than having to go to big gatherings. Let them see who you are in a comfortable setting, I'm certain they will like you!

[Samfromwa]

I was like this since I was 28, I'm 34 now. Simply, I practised not caring, I woke up and assessed my life and realised who cares what anyone thinks, no one is that nice or genuine these days anyways. Why should I care what they think, who are they? We are all the same, noone is better then anyone. Everyone's insecure or faking it anyways lol. All those people who seem so confident are usually the most insecure. I literally started speaking out loud in public, joking out loud, being loud lol, smiling, talking to strangers, doing what I want and not caring whatsoever. Maybe I just lost my mind at the time but in a few weeks I met a woman way above my league, I landed some business contracts that changed my life and i got married in front of 400 people with no social anxiety whatsoever. Be brave, it'll change your life.