Social anxiety is winning

[Kst20]

Hi there,

I finally decided this morning that I needed to reach out after I came to the realization that my social anxiety is destroying my relationship.

It's very long story but I have been the 'shy' girl my entire life which is easy to get away with when you're young. I never realized how bad it would get or that it was even a disorder until this past month. Realizing my behavior had a name was a big step for me but also a crippling one. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my partner about it.

History aside, most recently my issue is with speaking to my partners parents. We've been together two and a half years and I just can't get over this intense fear of them judging me. It all came to a head last night when my partner went to dinner with them (I wasn't invited but didn't think anything of it) He came home and stated that his Dad said he hates me....... This was crushing to me. As anyone with social anxiety knows, this is my worst fear coming true..... I immediately had a rush of feelings. I felt sick to my stomach, upset, and defensive... after all I'm not dating his dad and I could see that his dad had really gotten into his head. We've had a fantastic relationship and I'm terrified of losing him. Social anxiety has ruined my relationships before and I don't think I can handle it happening again. Help!

[Fairywings]

Hey hunny im so sorry he feels that way I wouldn't have anything to do with him if u can how crushing to your emotional wellbeing u just don't need that right now xx social anxiety has been part of my life for many years bc of my body dysmorphia i just hate the way i look even though i am the process of losing weight i still hate what I see i have a long journey ahead of me and I think even once I reach my goal weight of 55kg i will still have the desire to continue xx I think what you guys need to do is focus on you guys after all inlaws well i have no bloody words sometimes we r better off without them u partner can have dealings with his dad but you it shouldn't worry you bc he ain't your flesh and blood and his opinions of you well that's his problem not yours. You def don't have to have anything to do with him if you don't want to xx I want you to start challenging these insecurities in your mind write them down and talk the sillies out if you know what i mean. Begin to do what you enjoy doing again life your life the way you want and don't worry about anyone else bar your partner no body else is walking your shoes so please don't let them get to you. As the saying goes let go of what no longer serves you your soul will thank you for it xx and it is only then when you can begin to heal from within xx please just focus on you guys and your loving relationship i am happy to see you have eachother it's a very beautiful thing. I hope my response has helped you in some way don't worry about anyone else but yourselves god bless you sweetheart you will get thru this just don't let anyone get in your way much love Venessa xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Kst20, welcome to the forums.

Well done for courageously reaching out and sharing your concerns.

You are right, anxiety can indeed be debilitating. It is a medical condition, different from feeling anxious. Just like diabetes or hypertension for example, it needs to be regarded and treated as such. No need to feel embarrassed by something that is not caused by you. You are in no way to blame.

With medical attention, this distressing situation can and will get better but you need to be proactive. If it has not been already done, booking a long GP appointment to talk openly about your feelings and how they affect your life would be a wise first step. No need to struggle alone.

At some stage, you will need to let your partner know what you are up against. Having his support would make a huge difference to both of you. His understanding of the situation would help deal with the in-laws situation by presenting a united front. If you seek professional assistance, he could be given the opportunity to go along to one of your appointments. Professional advice is usually taken seriously.

Have you asked your husband why your father in law hates you ? Perhaps those words were spoken out of ignorance. Knowing what causes the problem could give a better idea of how to cope with it. Mental conditions are not easy to understand for those affected. Even more so by those around them. It is the reason why they often do/say hurtful things...or withdraw to avoid a situation where they feel out of their depth.

Researching and practicing coping strategies like Relaxed Breathing, Relaxed Body Scan, Mindfulness would be a good idea. Smiling Mind is a mindfulness app you could download.

Copying this link into your browser will give you tips on discussing mental illness :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

Kindest thoughts.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Kst20

Welcome to the forum.

I agree with everything Starwolf has said above.

You mentioned that you only found out recently that your anxiety has a name/is a disorder. Was this the result of meeting with your GP?

It sounds like you have a great relationship and it is just the issue with his parents that is getting in the way. It is something that might be building up too much in your mind which is not helpful, but something those of us with anxiety tend to do!

Speaking to your partner about your feelings and fears is important. He may have noticed a change in you and is unsure of what to do or say.

Having my husband aware of my anxiety is useful as we can both look out for triggers and I can openly share my thoughts when I start to feel things getting overwhelming or triggered.

I had an issue with my mother in law from the beginning of our relationship until about 12 months ago. I used to let her negative comments get to me but through a psychologist I was able to build up a few emotional tools and words to use when I was around her. I also asked my husband to be more present in my interactions with his mum and put his hand on my back or leg so that I knew he was supporting me. It was very hard in the beginning as I felt he was always on her side but over time I have realised that he was just embarrassed about her and wanted to ignore the situation. I don't let him ignore it anymore!

I hope to hear from you soon.

Blue Jane