Social anxiety and our culture of forced positivity

[Sha05]

I think i'm here because even though i have 3 good friends and a normal nuclear family, there's no one in my life i can talk to. So i'm hoping that maybe just the act of typing out my feelings will make me feel better.

I'm 33 years old. I have social anxiety and have spent my whole life not being able to get along with people and dealing with the hurt and pain from that. A few years ago i recognised that a lot of my problems with people were due to my immaturity, bad behavior and unpleasant social habits. So i did a lot of inner work and things with people have definitely improved so much.

However now i'm starting to realize that people only like me better because i'm appearing positive and happy all the time. I make sure to ask about themselves, make them feel good, am supportive and just try to be a good conversationalist. I try to be like this 99% of the time however it's IMPOSSIBLE to be like this all the time. The times where i do 'slip up' and start confiding my issues because i need someone to talk to, people immediately turn away. And i'm not referring to strangers but my good friends or colleagues i'm closer to. This is so incredibly painful i can't even begin to describe the hurt.

We seem to live in an awful world where positivity is so prized that forced positivity is valued above everything else. People are just expected to be super positive all the time with only good thoughts and good words. People who are very sick or disabled are only in the news if they are wonderfully positive and happy and putting out content in their vlogs or social media about how happy and strong they are. I understand that these people are inspirations for others but it contributes to the culture of stuffing everything deep down. What happened to being allowed to feel your feelings once in awhile? What happened to being able to reach out and say to your friend, "Hey i'm feeling shit today. It won't last forever but in the meantime i'd really appreciate someone to talk to"?

This is so dangerous because you're basically telling someone that they should only talk to a professional about their problems. And if they can't afford it, then too bad. I understand no one likes a negative nancy but i'm not talking about someone who's negative and unpleasant all the time, i'm talking about that 1% where you just need someone to hear you out because you're going through a difficult time. I feel like even that's not allowed anymore.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sha05

Hello and welcome to the forum. This is a good place to write about your experiences both good and bad. We have all had our good days and bad days and understand how it can make us feel. No one here will turn away from you because you are puzzled, sad, distressed etc.

I congratulate you on your insight and determination to change your habits to have a more improved lifestyle. That takes a great deal of work and determination. It pays off in your improved relationships.

Positivity is prized. I think you are right about that. When someone is unhappy in some way it does make others feel uncomfortable, largely I suspect because they do not know what to do or say. I think most of us have a family member or great friend who has died and we have grieved for that person. Friends rally round and offer to sit and talk but after a few weeks they drift away to their own problems, usually at the time when the first shock of loss has gone and we are feeling the very deep grief of that loss.

It's a normal process to grieve and is often only fully understood by those who have experienced this. The brother of a friend of mine died unexpectedly and my friend immersed herself in winding up his estate etc. This took about six months and during that time many people thought she was coping well. Once all the administration was done she fell apart and it has taken a long time for her to cope with life.

We are not taught to help others and often we have no example of how to do this. It can become overwhelming to provide the comfort required especially if only one or two people are involved. I understand this situation is not what you are talking about but it's a general situation that we may have experienced or probably will experience. Our friends are scared to listen because they do not know what is required, what will help most and so they turn away. They can stand back because because 'She does not need any help. Look how well she is coping". Of course it's not true but there is enough apparent cheerfulness to let the friends off the hook.

Talking with a professional person such as a doctor or psychologist can be helpful but not necessary most times. We do learn to manage our grief and bad times after a while but it would be very good if someone checked in once in a while.

I count myself fortunate that I had people around on my bad days/times, but I can see how lonely and hurtful it can be to have no one. Love to hear from you again. We can talk more.

Mary