So much anxiety from my eating disorder but I can’t open up

[Stephanie_zzz]

Because I don’t want to disappoint my family’s expectations, I choose to shut up when I’m tired and sad. Sometimes mum say, who is not so tired in this society, how can you be emotionally weak? Don't be a person who spreads negative vibes.
I am so sad everyday because every time I try to open up my thoughts, it seemed like spreading negative vibes, so I chose to shut up every time.
Slowly, I become a numb person, and I no longer like to talk, because I can't say it anymore, All i feel is numbness.
no one will listen to what I say anyway. If they listen, no one understands it anyway.
Since I was little, I was educated: "Don't be emotionally weak.
So, slowly, all of my emotions are suppressed, and the bad emotions became a symbol of weakness.
When I suppress myself for too long, I will seem extremely strong on the outside. However, I feel like a shell, just like an egg shell, and can actually be easily destroyed with a tap.
I am like a string that is tight all the time, every step of the way is cautious, and every step is startling.
Because of this, My thinking also becomes slow, the efficiency of doing things would be low and there are no ways to concentrate. It is a mess in my head, as if I had lost the function of organizing language. Whenever I wanted to say something, There are only some fragmented things in my mind, which are messy and chaotic. Then I force myself to be full of tasks every day. As long as today’s task is not completed, I have a strong sense of guilt. It’s like I’ve wasted my time and I will become seriously anxious.
But even I have so much anxiety, I don’t say it. so I began to repeat the above in a dead loop.
I don’t want to move, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see people, I feel extremely tired, but I can’t stop, I feel just like a machine, turning and turning. I cry everyday.

[pinwheel23]

Hi Stephanie,

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. I'm sorry to hear that in the past you haven't had the space to express your thoughts and feelings.

You've done a great job reaching out for support here - this must have been really hard for you. Feeling like you're in a constant loop of feeling unhappy and anxious must be very distressing and exhausting. You're worried about what your family thinks of you and your needs, and you also feel like you're not allowed to ask for help.

I understand that you feel like you need to be doing something with your time. It is okay to not to be constantly checking off tasks, but taking the time to write your feelings today was not a waste.

It will take some time but I hope that you're able to slowly feel more comfortable with opening up and knowing that it is okay to ask for support.

Please post again when you feel ready. We can talk through how you're feeling and I hope that through this forum you're able to find hope and feel heard.

Take care,

Pinwheel23