Hi Bulus Shabbaz
I think sometimes it can be a matter of 'How do I now feel as a result of a certain action'. The end feeling can help determine why we did something. If we feel relief, we did it to gain a sense of relief. If we feel liberation, we did it to gain a sense of liberation. If we feel soothed in some way, we did it as a self soothing exercise. If we feel incredibly upset or worse off, we may have done it as a form of self punishment that leads us to feel more sufferance or punishment.
I've found the question 'Where is this coming from?' can sometimes help me make better sense of a particular action I'm not fully conscious of the reasons for. Another way of looking at this is 'Which part of me is this coming from (that insists I take this action)?'. I think back to a couple of years ago when I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with my long semi grey hair and there was some part of me dictating 'You have got to cut it off, you'll feel so much better'. I should add that this followed somewhat of a crying melt down where my inner critic went to town on me when I was out shopping in a store with way too many mirrors. I looked in those mirrors and what came to mind was brutal. 'You look like sh**. You used to be so attractive and now look at you. You're a fat disgusting old grey haired semi wrinkled piece of cr** and you'll never be anything other than that' and it didn't stop there. To say my inner critic be be mean is an understatement at times. Standing in front of that mirror at home, I thought 'Is it the sage or the saboteur in me that's insisting I cut most of my hair off? Will I feel relief or regret after doing it?'. I went on to feel an enormous sense of liberation after having sheered through all that hair. I got my answer based on how I felt. It was the sage in me that was insisting I let go of all that hair that partially defined me as 'old' (in my mind). It was the first step toward reforming myself and the way I saw myself. Btw, I sit here writing to you still with my short hair although it's progressed to being shades of pink and purple 😁
Perhaps the question could be, for yourself 'Is there a part of me that encourages me to shave my head? If so, what would I call it if I had to call it anything?'. Could it be the liberationist in you, that maybe liberates you into a new sense of identity or a new sense of life?
