Sexual Orientation Obsession

[Jane1996]

Hello,

I am new to the forum and need some peer support. I was diagnosed with OCD 6 years ago about my sexual orientation and since being off medication it came back worse than ever at different times. The fear remains the same. I thought I liked men but became confused and have internally debated whether I am gay since I was 17. I had not questioned before this time, it happened suddenly when I read an article about a gay man and then I thought what if I am gay? and began to get sexual images of people. The obsession keeps grasping onto different things each time and changing, it is a living hell and has made me suicidal in the past.

This time I saw a video of Jodie Foster and something caught my brains attention, maybe because she seemed to talk like a male character I had seen on some other show or something. Anyway, it felt like I was attracted to her? but also not attracted to her? it was a weird feeling like my brain had registered something masculine about her and got confused. I have been obsessing about this for hours- was it attraction/not attraction? what was it? why did this happen etc.? I realise this is reassurance seeking and I need to stop doing it but I literally cannot sleep properly until I feel some resolution to the problem. I re-watched the video more than once and the feeling was gone after checking and rechecking. Any help?

[Doolhof]

Hi Jane 1996,

Welcome to the forum. Would you feel comfortable talking to your Dr and asking for a referral to talk to a counsellor about your feelings? This may help you to better understand your thoughts and feelings.

I believe it is easy for us to feel influenced at times by what we see on social media, on the television, in movies and all around us. Our minds are bombarded by so many choices and options. I suppose our sexual orientation and thoughts can be influenced by what we read, see, feel and experience as well.

I believe we can be attracted to people of the same sex as we may find something about them to be appealing, attractive, maybe something we desire to have within ourselves or for many different reasons.

Deciding your sexual orientation is your decision. Over time it may change. Talking to a counsellor who has an understanding of sexual orientations may be beneficial.

Maybe writing down how you are feeling will help you to get the thoughts out of your mind so you can sleep better at night.

Have you heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ? You could Google that and see if using the CBT techniques helps you come up with some answers and solutions.

All the best, cheers from Dools

[GigiGoogles]

Hi Jane1996, 

I know this reply is quite late but I have also had to deal with intrusive thoughts on my sexuality for several years and what I can tell you is it does get better. I know at the time our instinct is to fight the thoughts but that ultimately just makes them worse. What we have to learn to do in order to decrease the frequency of the thoughts is difficult and it can feel like you’re going against everything your mind is telling you to do, but the most efficient way to relieve yourself of the intrusive thoughts is to not fight them. My therapist suggested Exposure Therapy, which sounded crazy to me at the time because my brain was telling me to avoid anything suggestive of sexual orientation, meaning books, movies, songs and even people. It can feel like you’re a bad person for having these thoughts but in reality you’re not. You’re a good person who has unfortunately ended up with these unwanted thoughts that you cannot seem to control. You also mentioned how you were confused as to if you were attracted to Jodie Foster, and this is also quite common. We can feel that we are attracted to someone but that doesn’t mean we are romantically attracted to them. Just because you notice someone is beautiful or funny doesn’t mean you are in love with them. It took me a while to figure that one out but once I did life got much easier. And even if you were, would that really be so bad? Our instinct is to say yes, because that’s precisely what our OCD wants us to say. I’m still struggling with that aspect of the OCD however with time and effort into understanding why we have the thoughts and how to let them exist without us fighting them, we can come to accept that not everything is known immediately. It may take many years until you discover for yourself what your sexuality is and that’s okay. OCD wants to trick us into thinking it has decided for us when in reality it’s like the monster under the bed, it’s scary and can seem very real, but it can’t actually control what we feel. 

I do hope that since posting you have found things easier, but if not remember there are so many resources out there that can be a huge help. 

Best wishes, GigiGoogles.