Serious work problems, help me

[Sez93]

Hello everyone out there, I'm really struggling with severe anxiety in my job. I'm a sewing machinist for a company that makes wedding gowns and I seriously have good days and bad, mostly bad! I'm good at what I do when I work on my own pieces at home and I did quite well at college in my final year in 2016. But in a work environment, I get so nervous and I start screwing up and it all snowballs from there and I look like an incompetent idiot and they don't feel they can give me anything too difficult and they're stressing about me and that makes it worse. Sometimes I can have good, successful days where I get all my work done without any catastophies but it's not enough to stay on the team.

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. When I'm at work I'm usually do wound up that I can't eat but when I'm at home a eat too much. I talk to my boyfriend and he's very supportive but lately it feels like he's heard it all before and there's only so much I can vent to him. He wants me to quit so I can't go home upset cause I don't want to encourage him in that.
I just feel so stupid and small and embarrassed every single day
I have trouble sleeping and so I'm always exhausted in the mornings. If I've made mistakes or pissed someone off I can't forget about it.
Most of all I just feel like a useless piece of crap who's a liability and all I want is to be a useful member of the team.

What makes it worse is that I had a similar situation with an former job where I got fired and it hung over me for ages. I've been going online researching strategies and using apps for brain training but I don't know if they will help long term. Please help me,

Sez

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Sez93,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling and it sounds like from your post it's all coming back from your job but snowballing onto everything else like eating and sleeping.

Can you tell us more about why you feel like you're screwing up? Is it that you're forgetting; or that you feel like an idiot? Even though it may seem the same; there's a big difference between 'I made a mistake' and 'I'm an idiot and I've let the team down'. Even if you were forgetting and making mistakes; this wouldn't make you an idiot; your work doesn't define you as a person.

You talked about having severe anxiety and sometimes anxiety alone can severely effect the way our brain functions; everything from memory, focus, attention, problem-solving, task management, etc... When we are in a state of constant anxiety our brain kind of 'switches off' all the important things that we need for tasks like work and study. Instead it's so focused on being in that flight/fight mode (which you may have heard about). This is also why things like eating and sleeping become so difficult and why you may feel exhausted all the time. It would be great to hear what sort of things you may have tried for the anxiety so that way we can try and give you some other techniques to help you get on top of things.

Hope this helps

[Sez93]

Hello romantic_thi3f's,

It would be me forgetting particular instructions, misunderstanding, doing certain steps that they don't approve of, or simply making what my boss calls "rookie mistakes" especially with her, my performance is affected because I'm intimidated by her and I want to get it right so I over think. Even when I have a better day at work I stew later over the little things. My boss is a bit of a bully so I'm also scared of admitting that I've screwed up which is often.

I've tried breathing exercises and books but not much else. I just want things to get better.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Sez93,

Thanks for your post.

I appreciate you clarifying that up! I'm actually wondering if you've considered seeing a counsellor?

Sometimes forgetting and misunderstandings can all stem from anxiety; so even though you're working on your breathing (which is great), it can be important to work on other stuff to. This can be much more personal than a book because it works on just you and what you're going through. The counsellor might work on helping you get some techniques like making sure that you're getting the right instructions, being able to be assertive at work, taking things one step at a time, being present in that moment and trying not to overthink.

I really encourage you to keep up with the breathing exercises; but it might be worth swaying a little more to the mindfulness side too. This can be great with anxiety in helping you be 'in the moment'.

Hope this helps

[Sez93]

Hi, yes it does help a bit, thanks so much for listening it's very reassuring.

This week has been a bit better, I've been using this new brain training app Lumosity that had games to help memory, attention, problem solving etc, and maybe that's been a help. But in my experience, I have serious up and down times at work and I'm worried thr good periods don't last long, because they usually don't.

I have seen a councillor before and I did help to talk and at least 1 strategy helped, but I can't afford further therapy.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Sez93,

Thanks for your post.

Ah yeah I'm familiar with Lumosity! I use Peak which is very similar. I'm really glad that you've found it to be helpful!

Can you tell me more about the up's and down's? What triggers a 'down' and how do you manage that?

Yes therapy can be a bit pricey! But I'm not sure why you were able to only have one session; have you looked into the Mental Health Care Plan? It's a Medicare funded rebate for 10 sessions with a psychologist. You can get this one from the GP and might be able to help get a few more appointments in.

Hope this helps

[Sez93]

Hi romantic_thi3f's,

Thanks for letting me know about the councilling sessions, I went a couple of times last year when I was studying but I got too busy because of my workload but I did find it helped a bit.

It's hard to explain. Some days when I'm doing better, or have done things correctly I feel like I have hope and purpose, and I'm doing what I'm good at. Whereas on my low days I just want to go home crawl under the covers and cry all day and night, I do cry I lot, and have panic attacks, I just hide it at work. Also when Im having a low day I feel so angry with myself I just want to smash things. Plus I think I'm goingad becuause I can't remember things or just feel so stupid.

I feel so disconnected from my friends and family, I hardly go on social media anymore. I don't feel disconnected from my partner, he is amazing, and has always supported me.

I can feel better for a while, and them I remember everything that's bothering me and I sink back into it all. In this past week, thoughts of my grandma keep popping into my head (she passed away 2 months ago,) and that also upsets me. I just want things to get better.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Sez93,

Thanks for your post.

Hm, yeah I can really see how there are ups and downs and how it seems to be affecting you.

Hearing you talk about it makes me think of emotion regulation - I'm not sure how much you know about this but instead of our moods being so high and low (like a line that goes straight up and straight down), we want it to be kind of wiggly, straight across and less unpredictable. Anyone can struggle with this, but basically when we have trouble with this it feels like the tiniest thing can 'set us off' which means it's very easy to get really upset or frustrated. I hope that this makes sense.

Seeing a therapist can help so that you're developing healthier strategies to help your mood (like things that can help you when you're angry without wanting to smash things) as well as challenging your mindset - so that you feel that even on your bad days you can still have a purpose. They may also be able to work with you feel a bit less disconnected with your friends.

I'm guessing that may also be why you feel like you're going mad and forgetting things - when we're in such a high state of anxiety it's like it can't focus on what's important because it's always so 'alert' to any danger (even if there is no real danger).

I'm really glad to hear that your partner is supporting you; he sounds like a lovely guy! How do you feel about seeing a counsellor again knowing that money might not be such a barrier now? There are lots of counsellors that work on weekends as well as after 5pm (depending on where you live) so this can help too.

I'm also really sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma. That's not too long ago so I'm guessing that would only add to the pile of stuff going on. I do genuinely believe things can get better for you; I just think it starts with reaching out.

Hope this helps

[SilverLight]

Hi there Sez,

I hope you're having a good day today. I experience the good/bad day conundrum on a daily basis too and I know its really hard to bear. Just know you are not alone and we are all here to support you whenever you need it.

I have the same issues with work at the moment so I may stalk some of the answers on this post for a bit 😜

My employers sent me to a different branch for 'training'... no amount of training will fix my mental health issues no matter how hard I try. Since I have been back (for about a week and half now) they haven't said a single positive thing to me. Every comment is about how everyone else can work much faster, take on heavier work loads in smaller time frames and produce things more accurately (I work in an office and they are aware of my anxiety/depression - just don't understand how bad it is!) I wish they would understand that an employee is not motivated to learn, produce and be productive when all they get is negativity! Especially with mental health!

Sorry to vent a little there but I really wanted to share my similar experience and hopefully offer some peace of mind that you really aren't alone in this.

Also, I see a psychologist and she's BRILLIANT... (but yeah, she's not cheap so I understand that too - definitely get the Medicare plan thing from your GP!)

[Sez93]

Hi SilverLight, sorry I havent been on in a while, I've been a bit withdrawn lately. I had a good week at work last week but this week's been horrible. Thank you so much, you don't know how big a comfort that is to me to know that I'm not alone. My main problem I think is that my boss seriously intimidates me, I'm scared of screwing up and looking stupid so I try not to, but I do just that. We've been so busy so the pressures been on, and one day I was a bit jittery I made a big mistake in a task at work and my boss had a go at me and said she couldn't put up with any more mistakes. When my boss was yelling at me, I was having a full blown anxiety attack, I thought I was gonna keel over, I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy and sweating like a pig. I also feel like such a crybaby because I cry when things go wrong at work but I just cant control myself. It's likely I'll be fired in a few weeks if I keep making mistakes. On my really low days at work, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I just think if this is what working life in the industry will always be like and I'll never be good at or happy in my work, ever. Even if I did quit the whole thing entirely and worked in a supermarket or whatever, I'd only screw up at that as well and be the doofus on the team, just like I always am. Everything seems twice as hard at the moment.