Sense of Impending Doom

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone.

I have been really struggling today, and I thought writing here might help.

What I am about to describe may sound weird, but it is a true feeling for me. I wondered if anyone else reading has experience of it?

Every now and then, I get this terrible sense of impending doom.

Like, everything, everything, is about to go horribly wrong.

I have realised that I have been having these feelings semi-frequently for the last few years.

A few years ago I experienced an intense trauma in my life, and I'm wondering now if there are triggers, like little, tiny things, that possibly happened before the trauma, that I am not necessarily conscious of, that again happen now, in my life, and set me off on this spiral of doom.

This morning, the feeling of impending doom had me thinking that the police were likely to turn up at my door and take me to prison.

My life is good.

I am safe.

In my house.

Consistently not committing crimes.

And yet ... occasionally this feeling that the world is conspiring against me and everything good is about to implode just takes over.

I understand that it's irrational, but there's something that sends me in a spiral, and anything simple can bring me back up that spiral as well, like a text from a friend, or something tiny like that. It brings me back to safety.

I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else feels this way. I want you to know that you're not alone, and I thought I might feel some relief voicing this in a safe space.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just kind of wanted a place to talk about it, not just for me but for anyone who experiences this.

I feel so vulnerable.

I mentioned something similar to my dad once and he said it's because I have a guilty conscience.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Hello Pepper, my friend ❤

Thank you for your thoughts.

I agree, it's all originates probably as a cultural thing, which doesn't make it any easier for the "lesser than" of that particular culture (us). We are lesser than in a lot of ways. For a start, mrs b is female. Then, we're both female. Then, we've not provided her with a grandchild. All negatives in her books.

Golden Boy has 2 children, neither of whom he can afford: he takes money from mrs b's parents - he has stolen from them (and they are on a pension). And now they are in considerable debt, which we (mrs b and i) are currently trying to consolidate.

He can't afford nappies ... because he chooses to buy drugs instead.
That is the crux of it - he would rather pay his dealer with money taken from the family, than buy nappies for his children.

These are all things that mrs b's mother is fully aware of.

You are spot on, with all of your cultural observations. There are some extra details that i could add and that i may be able to add in time.

But it always does, and will always, feel unfair.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Our dear friend (& a wave to all),

Yes, it is absolutely unfair. I feel your anger & frustration at the injustice of it all. I also feel your hurt and perhaps even feelings of rejection, because it hurts (a lot) to feel “lesser than.”

I think it’s particularly painful to feel “lesser than” for things outside both your control. It’s also sad that no matter how much you try & give (& then give some more), it will never be enough in her eyes. Perhaps it’s as infuriating as it is painful...

It’s clear that Golden Boy will always be no.1, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. That much has been spelled out to you...

Golden Boy has clearly hurt a lot of people through his actions. He sounds like he might have a drug problem, but I can’t really say as I don’t know him personally...drug problem or not, I know he has hurt a lot of people (including you) and that makes me feel very sad...

I know this doesn’t make things better, and doesn’t change the situation at all. But if it is comforting in the slightest, you are enough. To me, to us, you’re more than enough. To mrs b, you’re more than enough...

We are listening, we care and we feel your anger & hurt. Yes, you’re right. it is unfair. If you need to let anything else out/share, we are sitting in your space of anger, hurt, resentment & inner conflict...we are here with you...

Much love,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear Everyone the following is a rant, which may not make sense, but i just want to get it off my chest. Thanks so much ❤

Thank you so much Pepper my friend, for everything you said.

Yes it does hurt, but it is also infuriating.

The latest events had me fuming. I felt so much anger, it was hard to handle.

Context: The parents are pensioners who have accumulated about 15K of debt. All due to paying for ridiculuous things & enabling their son by paying for nappies & other essentials that he "can't afford" because he spends his $ elsewhere. Debt we are trying to consolidate for them.

Parents In Law both agreed they don't want fuss (with the funeral), minimal cost (due to no $ in the bank). So this is what mrs b has organised. Last night, MIL's friend calls the family together & says she knows of a low cost way to have a service with a payment plan "only costs $6k, pay it off month by month". So Father in Law & Sister in Law are all like, Yeah let's do that. And mrs b questioned, saying, "but we agreed to do the minimum one", & they attacked her saying "you don't want to honour your mother" etc. Keep in mind mrs b has given up close to 3 months wages to be with her family & help with everything, because we live away from them.

I was so mad! Really struggling with my anger last night & this morning. They were saying we should go in to pay for the $6k thing, equal shares (of course Golden Boy doesn't have to do this, it's just the daughters).

Then i remembered this conversation i had with my MIL a year or so ago where she was worried because she thought she couldn't afford her own funeral & i told her that in order to ease her worries, we would wipe all the money they owed us (approx $2K)& consider it a gift.

I remembered this today, & reminded mrs b, & now we're taking the position that, we'll still contribute a third of what the minimal funeral thing would have cost (&that's on top of what we have given them in the past year, which is circa$2K), & that's it. I think that's fair.

This was such a rant, & it probably doesn't make sense to anyone except me, but I'm going to post anyway because i know posting in the past has made me feel a bit better. Thanks so much.

🌻birdy

[Ggrand]

Hello Birdy...

Im pleased you posted and I really hope so much that by talking here..it has helped you even a little...I wish a lot though...

I know sweety that it’s not the same as a real hug..if I was their with you I’d certainly be giving you one...So I’m sending you some instead..🤗🤗.with my love as well....💜💜..

Please be gentle with you lovely lady....

Grandy..

[Peppermintbach]

Hi darling friend (and a wave to all),

We are listening and hearing you out. I know you’re feeling very angry, and you have every right to be. Rant away if it helps...we are here...

Your Father in Law and Sister in law have clearly been pressuring mrs b/you with their demands. I think maybe the worst part is they seem to be using a bit of emotional blackmaail to try to get their way (e.g. “you don’t want to honour your mother”). That seems a little low to me, especially as I know mrs b has sacrificed a lot to help them/be with them...

You stand your ground, my friend. I think your proposal sounds fair. I’m proud of you for taking a stand 🙂

Listening and caring. Write/rant as as much as you feel you want to...we love and support you.

Hugs and love,

Pepper xoxox

[demonblaster]

Beautiful tweety girl 🐥hi Peps ☘and all ☺

Dear girl I've not been around for a while needed a break but care and love you sweety and have been quite concerned for you.
I truly hope your days are brighter and beasties not niggling in your ear.
Sweety just worry about the puddy tat not big nasty beasty IT's weak and you're not.

😅 You're gorgeous thanks for loving all my posts. Yip the whole lot dumped in before 😄 and keep forgetting to thank you for your lovely comments about my post at that 😡other thread.

Wow you sure did have aopportunities for self compassion back there. Breathe darling and only concentrate on that. How I try to keep it together in situations like that is not letting it beat me or get the better of me. Often its through my own doing so by not reacting to breaking dropping things we have calm. Often far from easy but some mental controls the key.

Sounds like a really high stress sitch with mil. My heart goes out to you. Are you able to speak your mind or does it cause too much conflict. Poor girls it sux major.

Totally agree with Peppy you really are enough, you're amazeballs tweets never forget that hun cause it's true.

Well done venting out hun. I'd be fuming too. May I throw my 2 bob in that you girls stick to what you feel is right by youse. You both have been a big help to them without much thanks by the sounds. Don't let others guilt you both.

Incidentally a friend that recently passed opted not to have a service which I'd imagines reduces cost.

So tweety you've fascinated me with your now I can't think is it ceroc dancing. I have a v.good friend in NZ who dances I'll ask her about. Shes coming over in April with her kids. Staying 3 nights neaties.

Lovey have you had a chance to be in your garden, your haven of peace and connection. Smell and feel the Earth darling feel the life in the soil and recapture memories of growth to ground you and give you peace in hard times ⚘🌱🍃

Lot of time and love for you sweety. Smile at yourself honey and say I'm my own person I do what I believe is fair and right because I'm a good awesome person. ☺🤝🤗💗🐥🕊

[John_P]

Hello All.

I enjoy looking and reading everyone's posts. It is really good that there is a support group on here where everyone leans on each other.

A theory I have been pondering: I am dealing with a period of my life of high anxiety-I have for the past 3 years now....My symptoms are improving over the last few months....AND i have been reflecting on how this has happened......I believe it has to do with the following: I had no direction and was filled with past failures on all fronts. It is helping me that i am choosing a future path i want to follow and walking that path step by step. I have deviated at times-but that was always going to happen due to past habit conditioning. Also, setting down foundations which give me a sense of calm and escape where i can be myself has helped. This has enabled me daily to reflect on these wins with gratitude. You cant be anxious and grateful at the same time. I have also been starving my dark side and demons. On reflection we have 86400 seconds in a day- The more of this time we occupy with positive thought, the better we feel, so doesn't it make sense to search life with positive experiences, therefore positive memories and feelings. It will only be a matter of time until there are more seconds in a day where you have better thoughts.

[demonblaster]

Sweety Tweety 🐣 and everyone hiyaz ☺

Darlin I know you're doing the hard yards lately and same as a mutual friend here if I understood correctly there's more going on.

The emotions go into overdrive and every direction.

You're a beautiful good person tweety remember that and don't let doubt and pain cloud it if you can help it.

Anyway love just want you to know you're loved appreciated and to give you a big Aunty Awesome healing 🤗 for as long often & whenever you need darlin.

Take your time huns here no pressure.

Love ❤ 🤗 ☺ 🕊⚘

John hi I've read some of your posts and spoken with you. Good to see you again ☺

I like your thinking. Good on you and thanks for sharing which potentially can help many people.

Go easy good peeps 🌱🕊

[Peppermintbach]

Hi dear friend (and a wave to all),

I just felt like saying hello and leaving some big hugs (Aunty Deebs has the right idea), love and blessings...

I know you have many things going on, which you may or may not wish to share. I understand sometimes you want to vent and chat, and other times that you have other ways of dealing with things...I support either, as long as it’s what you want...

But just know, if you ever wish to unload (absolutely no pressure), maybe we maybe help shift that boulder just a tiny bit...a really tiny bit...it’s not much but we are here...our hearts are open to you is what I’m trying to say..

You have a special place in our hearts. Thank you for being the beautiful person you are. Supersoul hugs coming right up. DB taught me well 😉

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[John_P]

hello All.

Great posts. I hope everyone is doing well.

i wanted to talk ESCAPISM

i think this is a big thing in our culture, where individuals escape life through video games, television, social media, porn etc. They escape their problems for instant gratification and pleasure. I think this is getting worse and the foundation of many mental health issues, as the more we escape the less meaning we find in our life .

I struggle with this through escaping to gaming and porn like most males. I find this habbit hard to break. How can we not escape to gaming and porn when it provides so much instant pleasure which the world does not provide to us???

How to reduce escapism?