Sense of Impending Doom

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone.

I have been really struggling today, and I thought writing here might help.

What I am about to describe may sound weird, but it is a true feeling for me. I wondered if anyone else reading has experience of it?

Every now and then, I get this terrible sense of impending doom.

Like, everything, everything, is about to go horribly wrong.

I have realised that I have been having these feelings semi-frequently for the last few years.

A few years ago I experienced an intense trauma in my life, and I'm wondering now if there are triggers, like little, tiny things, that possibly happened before the trauma, that I am not necessarily conscious of, that again happen now, in my life, and set me off on this spiral of doom.

This morning, the feeling of impending doom had me thinking that the police were likely to turn up at my door and take me to prison.

My life is good.

I am safe.

In my house.

Consistently not committing crimes.

And yet ... occasionally this feeling that the world is conspiring against me and everything good is about to implode just takes over.

I understand that it's irrational, but there's something that sends me in a spiral, and anything simple can bring me back up that spiral as well, like a text from a friend, or something tiny like that. It brings me back to safety.

I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else feels this way. I want you to know that you're not alone, and I thought I might feel some relief voicing this in a safe space.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just kind of wanted a place to talk about it, not just for me but for anyone who experiences this.

I feel so vulnerable.

I mentioned something similar to my dad once and he said it's because I have a guilty conscience.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Our darling friend,

I know you said we don’t need to reply. But I want to reply so I hope that’s okay with you...I just want to say that we are indeed listening and that we care very much about you.

I know you’re currently curled up in your cocoon. I’m hoping it’s okay if I peer into that cocoon from time to time to see how you’re doing. Perhaps I’ll even pitch a tent tonight next to that protective cocoon layer of yours...just to give you a bit of company...

I know you’re spiralling and scared. I know you must have so many anxious running through your head...we are here with you...sitting and listening...

About losing loved ones, especially estranged family members, I understand that is a very big and real fear. As mrs b wisely said, you’ll cross that bridge when you get there...

Maybe for now, I wonder if you could try to bring yourself back to the here and now. As in, when the spiral begins, perhaps grounding yourself will help...

Maybe using your senses to engage with your present environment will help manage some of the anxiety...noticing the colours you see around you, the sounds you hear, the things you can touch, smell, etc...

Here and now...gentle and easy does it....

I understand you’re very much on edge. There’s no need to reply to this post. Just take good care of yourself. Warm hugs from me...

You are loved here xoxox

[demonblaster]

Our beautiful Tweety 🐥 here darlin come to Aunty Deebsta for as long as you like a warm comforting loving hug 🤗 Feel my energy sweets

Darling girl I so know that feeling of wanting to shut away from the world. Excellent you're ok texting and emailing. Theres no obligation to talk at any given time

You dear love I also can relate to that fear of losing loved ones, it's so painful isn't it. Honey I wonder if it could ease your mind if in texts you tell these people you love them but unable to talk atm that you're in poor headspace and need time to realign.

I'm glad it was at least bearable at the family outing but you had that looming stress building for a while and the intended by the sounds thoughtlessness. Some people are so caught up in their bubbles of ...ok I'll be a lady. Sadly their attitudes rub off bad vibes to those around them.

Darls I was thinking about you last night and wondering if you like yourself because since I met you I always have which didnt take long to grow to love you. I too as our beautiful friend Peppy don't expect an answer so please love don't feel obliged I'm secure in our friendship that you're not icing me.

You did so well getting anything on paper it's so hard to express when our minds shut down on us like this. I like you saying to people it's ok to feel this way. Agree. What I have found but then we're all different I realize is the many times I've let myself go with the flow there's a point it starts pretty quickly to sink me. At times I've set an invisible boundary line because the whole damned deals such hard bloody work isnt it. Just it's not impossible but harder to pull back up the lower we go.

I too feel your loving Mrs Tweety is on the right track, sweety believe me I hear you. Honey when and if the time comes we do find our footing and time helps move us through. This could be another outlet for stress

I'm so glad you managed to say how you're feeling. Hun to help you with at least fragmented relief which gives our heads a ewst from the turmoil, thinking about some good things happening like your renos, change can be very stimulating. Your love for gardening sounds like such a beautiful release for you being amongst the earth in the sun hearing fellow tweetys..cast your mind to the pleasure you derive from it and the beauty.

You shine girl. Sending much love & pitching a tent on the other side of you.

I picked a beautiful 🌿from your garden to remind you of good things. 🌴

🤗

[demonblaster]

Darling Tweety 🤗

Just lost my post and I feel as Peppy does absolutely want to be here for you darlin ☺

I know you want space and quiet so I'm pitching my tent 2.3 cms away from yours. Sorry about the noise and cussing I haven't pitched one before and have no idea why they supply pegs...it's not as if we're going to hang the thing up to dry....🤔...scratching head... bbl honey

Meanwhile sweety these can be pleasant even if temporary breaks with the pain.

If you cast your mind to your gardening, picture yourself doing it.. feel the earth breathe in the smell, feel the sun and light around you, the warmth, birdies chat chatting with their magical voices, serenity ...your at one with nature and feeling full peace relaxation and warmth.

Also dropping off one of Grandys chocolate wax candles to watch the flame and the video of me eating it 😲🤤😷

Sending warmth love thoughts and silent healing 🤗

You're beautiful tweety, never doubt yourself. The world needs more tweets 🐥🕊

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Tweety darling 🤗 hi everyone ☺

I lost not one..oh no .. but two posts..yip .. so I'll bbl 😆

In the mean time leaving outside your tent a gorgeous wax..take note.. not ...😆 choccy scented candle for you sweety ... when you look into the flame you get to 😂 while you watch my fame in the video that went viral that our gorgeous must have posted on the internet of me eating the choccy scented candle 🤣

Catch ya soon our sweety tweety.

Oh oh 😆 forgot to mention sorry about the cussing and noise but I'm giving you space.. all 2 cm and pitching a tent on the other side of you... for the life of me 🤔 can't figure out why they give us pegs...it's not like we're going to hang it up to dry... dah

Love care 🗯 support.

[demonblaster]

Cool bananas one of them came through.

Doesn't at all look like my warbles are wobbly repeating repeating myself 😄

Hope your day was lighter honey.

Truth been thinking about you more than usual 🤗

[DominiqueM]

If only there was a really good coping mechanism for the impending doom. I have had several attacks when I thought if I took a pill, and/or went to sleep, I would die. I didn't know what it was, why it was happening, my GP gave me something, so the minute I think I might go down that road, I take one and go straight sleep (well sometimes I sleep) other times I put a lighthearted show on tv to take my mind off the feeling that death is coming for me.

I've also done 10 minute mindful meditations, using YouTube, there are heaps, and if I hadn't done it myself, I would never have believed how much they can help.

I hope this is helpful info and that you find the peace we all need.

Dominique

[quirkywords]

Birdy,

t has been many weeks since you last posted so I am hoping you are feeling better.

I have had thoughts about my loved ones especially if they are travelling.

In your posts on the forum you always sound so confident and are very compassionate and understanding of others.

I wonder if you can use that compassion on yourself.

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

Our darling friend, I have been thinking about you, so I thought that I just would drop in to leave a little message of comfort & love.

I think it’s particularly lovely that you’ve had some recent visitors. Good of them (& everyone else) for supporting you 🙂

Don’t worry, you don’t need to reply to me 😉 This is me just reaching out to you “just because.”

All I wanted to say was a very simple, we care about you. Very much. That is all.

My love to you, mrs b and your boys,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone,

Thanks all so much for your kind & lovely posts.

Dominique, thanks for dropping by again, I know just how you feel with those thoughts that something is about to take-you-out. I've been having those thoughts occasionally when I wake in the night. Horrible. Thank goodness for meditations on Spotify etc.

Quirky, thank you for your kind & caring thoughts, I am having lots of opportunities lately to practice compassion for myself! Including last night which was a disaster, including a broken plate on the kitchen floor, while both dogs vomited & then I burnt my hand cooking dinner. A perfect occasion for practicing self-compassion.

Aunty Deebsta, you beautiful person. I loved all your posts, triple the awesomeness as they all ended up coming through. I loved your suggestion of taking myself in my mind to my garden & all the soothing things it does for me. Thank you so much for all the love & care & effort you put into your message(s!). Ta also for camping out with me & leaving 2.3cms of stretching space, the perfect amount.

Pepper, thank you as always for your loving care, your gentle attention & true friendship which are all blessings. You are always welcome to peer into the cocoon.

A bit if an update: generally speaking, I have been ok the last little bit. There are a few challenges going on with mrs b's (my partner's) family, which in a way, stops some of my tendency to create scenarios of doom, as there's sufficient drama actually happening in the Now.

On the other hand, stress levels are a bit high & there are so many frustrating things going on.

Amongst the frustration, I have feelings of anger & resentment, which are really difficult feelongs to deal with at the moment, particularly as one of the people who fuels my anger is currently on her deathbed.

We (mrs b & i) have sacrificed a lot to assist her & the family in various ways - financially, with time & attention, dozens upon dozens of homecooked meals, sorting out legal things - & from her bed, she instructs us to hand money to her golden son who is the light of her life, but the thorn in everyone else's side, because he visits the hospital to tell her he's broke.

It feels like such an insult to us & it feels like ingratitude, & I feel very angry about it. It's like because of her situation she feels anything she desires should be granted, her wish is everyone's command sort of thing. He has done nothing to help during this stressful time, not one single thing.

Thanks for listening everyone.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Our darling friend (& a wave to all),

Things sound very full-on at the moment. I feel your frustration, resentment, exhaustion and perhaps feelings of inner conflict (about mrs b’s mum). I hear you, my friend.

I know you and your partner, mrs b, have gone above & beyond to help her mum & brother. They are both very fortunate to have both of your care & support. I really do believe that.

But I sense & understand your resentment towards her entitlement, ungratefulness and her demanding ways. I feel maybe it’s a little like, the more you give, the more she expects & demands.

Yet, it must be hard because you also realise her timee is limited. Hence the inner conflict/conflicting feelings...

Sorry, I can’t help but wonder if maybe there’s a cultural element to the whole “golden son” situation. As you know, my heritage is eastern. I know that’s not the same as mrs b’s heritage, but please bear with me for sec as maybe what I’m about to say will resonate. Maybe?

In a lot of eastern cultures (my heritage), sons are often preferred to daughters. For example, one of my male relatives is probably revered in a similar way to “golden boy” by his parents, especially his mum. She also has daughters.

Her son rarely visits, doesn’t call on birthdays & basically makes zero effort with her. Her daughters, on the other hand, regularly visit, help her translate paperwork into English, show up on her birthdays, etc. Yet her son was always (& will forever be) her favourite, because of the whole cultural thing...

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that I support/agree with that worldview. But perhaps that could explain some of mrs b’s mum’s behaviour (even though I know she’s from a different cultural background to me, but sometimes there’s overlap). Just a little idea...perhaps it’s irrelevant, but I thought that I would mention it anyway.

That said, I do understand me saying that doesn’t really necessarily help or lessens your anger or resentment (both of which is of course valid & understandable) ...I understand she is very demanding & difficult to be around. I get it...I really do...

I hope you were able to practice self compassion last night. I feel for your poor dogs and I hope your hand heals soon. That sounds painful.

Holding my hand out in friendship, thinking of you & your beautiful family (mrs b & your boys) and sending love & comfort.

Love,

Pepper xoxox