self sabotaging my own progress...

[poida1]

Hey,

Name's Pete, I'm 25 years old. I've posted on here a few times a while back and the support I received was helpful so I thought i would share this new formation of anxiety that I've been experiencing. It would be nice to know that someone else has suffered from or knows a little about this new emergence in my condition. To start I'll give some history.

I've been suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and depression for about 8 years now, in the last year it had become unbearable so i decided to quit work for the time being, fly home and try and get some help. I started a mindfulness program called ACT that my psychologist put me on to and it was quite helpful, although i found that i kept falling into the same traps and that infact my anxiety, panic and disfunctional thoughts got a whole lot worse. So much so that about 2 weeks ago i suffered 5 days straight panic attacks that sent me to the hospital after passing out in the shower. Since then I've been ok some days even great, but sure enough i end up falling back into the same old hole.

Anyway, last friday i was having one of my good days so i decided to take off for the weekend, just me and my backpack out for a walk, the way it used to be, and i was doing ok. Then something inside me emerged that is scaring the absolute hell out of me. I had just calmed down from a slight state of panic just before bed, when instead of relaxing and trying to go back to sleep, something inside me actually brought on another one. Almost as if i were testing myself, so naturally i tried pulling away, asking myself why i would do something like that, but i kept stirring the pot (so to speak) and the panic attack and fear grew much greater. I managed to calm down from this, event, but the next day, infact every day since, I have not been able to relax, because i now know that at any time, this part of myself could totally self sabotage me. It could make me feel extreme fear or panic or think ungodly thoughts that only fuel the cycle. The obvious response would be, ok well if it's you causing this panic, then just stop, but the strange thing is I can't. It's almost as if there's this really evil part of myself that knows exactly what will scare the begeezes out of me, how to make me hurt etc. and is trying to see how far things can be pushed before i break. It is terrifying, why would i ever want to do this to myself? I've already been through so much recently, so why this?

Anyway I hope someone can shed some light

[Zeal]

Hi poida,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm glad you've received good help here in the past. It was courageous of you to fly back home for professional help. Having anxiety, panic attacks and depression concurrently must be challenging. I've had OCD and anxiety for 10 years, since I was 13. I've had only a small handful of panic attacks in my lifetime, though they weren't what I'd call severe.

Making a check-in appointment with your psychologist soon is a good idea. If you need to talk to someone out-of-hours, you can call Beyondblue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636.

Here are great resources that would be good to keep on hand as a reference:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=44

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

If you would like to talk more or have any questions, please post back 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Wednesday]

Hi Poida,

Zeal has given you some great resources and information.

I have panic attacks from time to time one started before an operation I had the operation and came out of the anaesthetic and the dam think was still going. A nurse gave me a shot of something and I talked at a million miles an hour but didn't feel panicked! Hospitals and I are not a good combination and I thought I had it all under control. It as that icky white hospital gown that started me off, ha!

I can see how once you feel you haven't got the panic attack under control it will cause you to have more panic attacks. I was wondering if you had any idea what it was that spooked you into a PA? Being already an anxious person will make it tough on you. Dr Kim in one of her posts talked about brain terrorists, which always makes me smile, I can see the rotten little things attacking my brain, so I fight back. She also talked about neural pathways thickening as you repeat the same behaviours, both good and bad.

You will be okay, thins just a moment in time and you will figure this one out, just take bay steps and know that every step counts.

I'm not sure how helpful this is... can you please make a time to see your psych and made have a mindfulness checkin?

Just one baby step at time can beat the brain terrorists!

Warm thoughts.

[Lazykh]

Hi Poida1,

Anxiety sucks!!! I have severe PTSD and suffer from cued panic attacks. I actually need quite a lot of medication to keep feeling 'normal'. I tried without for 6 months after I first got acute stress disorder because I've never really been into taking stuff if avoidable, but I couldn't get a handle on it so I finally bit the bullet and went to my GP. The medication, an SSRI, worked really well for a couple of months but then I was retraumatised, and it's been touch and go since. I now take an amazing cocktail of stuff, but it works most of the time. Definitely a good idea seeing your psychologist again because he/she knows your story, but if therapy alone isn't quite enough for you at this stage, I do recommend trying medication - the two help each other. I thank God for the days I feel 'normal' now, regardless of how many of those little pills it takes, I couldn't handle it.

Good luck with it all 🙂

Lazykh