Seeking the origin of anxiety

[white knight]

It is reasonable to think that finding the origin of why something happens is the first step in a cure.  I'm not suggesting a cure for anxiety but yes towards the first step in terms of understanding it.

A lifetime (I'm 58yo) of anxiety largely reducing in the last 5 years. Along with depression, dysthymia and bipolar 2.

So after 10 months being retired on medical grounds my wife and I set off for a major city to shop, a 45 minute journey on a lonely road. All was fine, we had good conversation, the weather was good. My wifebrought up a new topic- my colonoscopy for next week. Fine,we chatted. Then she stated a few things "we better not forget our paperwork" and "we have to get to the hospital by 9am". Then another "You have to fast on Sunday- you'll hate that".  There was no fault from my wife. But my anxiety shot up through the car roof.

I mentioned this to her. And we explored why.  See, as I told her, I've had about 90 jobs in my working life. Most jobs there was always someone that would try to put the fear into a new arrival eg "You havent met the boos yet, when he comes back from leave on Monday you'll realise what you are in for" or "Wait till we get a big shipment, then you'll know what work is all about". On every occasion that fearmongering presented itself I personally got through it with flying colours. So why the anxiety?

My childhood seemed normal but it wasnt. My father I rarely saw as he'd work 12 hours days. My stay at home mum was affectionate but erratic. I'm estranged from her now and have been for 4 years and I believe she has BPD. Her mood was never predictable and I was always in fear of her screaming at me without notice even for minor things. Then after upset I'd get a hug and often an apology from her. The two extremes were never met with the middle ground it was either affection or screaming.

for the first time in my life I have directly associated my anxiety to a source. Now my wife and I can direct our conversations and my thoughts AWAY from what if topics or any topics that could grow fear. And if we do stumble upon such topics we can overcome fear by cutting it off early eg "that's ok, we'll get through it. We've planned everything so that will be ok"  Effective reassurance....easing back out of the fear trap. 

My anxiety largely has reduced over the last few years due to retirement, financial plans and lifestyle. Also family decisions like ridding my life of negative people with expectations. Today I took another leap forward.

[BeeGee]

That's awesome WK - it's so true that understanding the source of our problems makes addressing them so much more effective. Instead of blindly poking around in a dark room with a stick we have the problem laid out on the workbench with the spotlights on, and tools at the ready.

Thank you for sharing this encouraging experience.  It really does give hope that the pieces do keep falling into place over time.

[NicoleP]

I have found Russ Harris' book The Happiness Trap a very interesting read.  He talks about the source of anxiety and it makes sense to me. He talks about anxiety being important to our survival in the prehistoric days - he talks about the number one importance of the primitive mind was to survive. the mind needed to become skilled at predicting and avoiding danger. "And Now, after a hundred thousand years of evolution, the modern mind is still constantly on the lookout for trouble. it assesses and judges almost everything we encounter. These days it is not sabre tooth cats that our mind warns us about. Instead its about losing our job, getting a speeding ticket etc. as a result we spend a lot of time worrying." quoted from page 13 of his book

"Another essential for the survival of early humans was to belong to a group. if your clan booted you out, it wouldn't be long before the wolves found you. The mind protects you from being rejected by a group by comparing yourself to others - am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing etc

Interesting thoughts

KezzaA

[white knight]

Hi KezzaA,

I'm not a reader. Get bored, mind wonders etc. IQ is 124, not bad. but I dont read lol.  That guy Harris might be the psychiatrist that was sponsored by Colgate and gave a lecture about ADHD. aDHD he said was also responsible for the defense mechanisms. Otherwise someone would "hit you over the head to steal your Dino broth"  hah

So from that I would safely presume that genes from families across the spectrum were of differing levels. Some more naturally anxious than others. Then there is, as mentioned in my case, anziety added in the growing up phase. And there would also be anxiety from adulthood as well especially in the fast life we have now.

If you score on the first two then you're in for a hell of a ride. By the time you are in your late teens, with a history both in childhood and genetic then a lot of work would be needed to reverse the disorder IMO. So in my case fast track to 48yo, 10 years ago, when a number of proactive decisions were made. Obtained work in the country, moved to the country, met and married my best friend hence a calm and friendly atmosphere, sorted out and discarded negative people etc etc.

It's worked. It's only occasions like yesterday that anxiety appears.

[NicoleP]

It sounds like him. I had found CBT not to be useful for me - it didn't work for me being told that my thinking was faulty and that just fed into my idea that there was something wrong with me. The more I told myself that I had to change my thinking, the more anxious I became when I couldn't and so a wonderful anxiety loop began.  I have found it much easier to come to terms with the idea that anxiety is in built. I agree that there are genetic factors etc that make us more susceptible to anxiety. Like you, I have put a number of things in place in my life in order to control my anxiety.

[white knight]

Hello again.

You said " Like you, I have put a number of things in place in my life in order to control my anxiety."  Very interesting. Some people suffering anxiety might want to take note of this.

We often get sufferers asking what they can do to lower their anxiety.

[NicoleP]

Nice to hear from you - I find this an interesting topic.

My 18 year old daughter went through a really bad patch about 3 years ago when in year 10 at school. She was really moody and I discovered that she was self harming. She is a very intelligent person and in year 7, 8 & 9 topped the year academically. Then all fell apart. She couldn't handle the pressure of having to do well academically and nearly failed years 10 & 11. All the teachers were disappointed that such a bright kid was 'going nowhere'. They dismissed the self harming as a stage she was going through. She has now finished year 12 and is happily working at McDonalds. People still tell me how disappointed they think I must be, but I am not. I understand where my daughter is coming from. She is like me. She suffers from anxiety and really can't handle the stress of a high pressure job. Also, she is a bit of a perfectionist and therefore is much happier doing an easy job well rather than a more challenging job not to her very high standard. She may be very smart, but she can't handle the stress. It is her lifestyle choice and one that works for her.

[white knight]

Hi KezzaA,

I understand fully. Good for you with your daughter. she might or might not advance herself when she feels fit.

When at the peak of my troubles with my demanding mother I attended a GROW meeting and after my little speech of my issues a member gave me a copy of a booklet. Chapter 3 (I even recall the chapter) was the heading "Emotional Blackmail"

In that chapter it detailed all about my mothers attitudes and techniques to control. It taught me techniques to battle the controller, in my case my mother.

So one day at the breakfast table she blurted "I dont want you to go out with that girl again, she isnt good enough for my son".  To which I relied "With respect, I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations." To which she replied "If you continue to go out with her I will grab my suitcase and go interstate for a holiday and leave you here to fend for yourself" To which I replied "Dont you need help packing"?

The tragedy of this conversation was that I was 27 years old, up till that moment in total control by her.

So KezzaA you did very well, you allowed your daughter to be free and seek happiness where ever that be doing what ever she pleases. You have every reason to be proud.

Anxiety is a terrible feeling. People should not have expectations of others apart from basic manners and the like.

[NicoleP]

I love that saying about expectations. One along similar lines that I like is "The only expectations worth living up to are your own."

I was 40 before I broke away from my controlling parents. I had always accepted that they controlled me, but they were impacting on my children. I am very proud of my daughter and 2 other children. I how always vowed never to control or judge them and accept them for who they are. I have to be grateful to my parents for teaching me that.

My daughter is doing well. McDonalds has been fantastic for my daughter. She had moved from crew member, to crew trainer and is now managing a local store. I am forever grateful to McDonalds for the support, encouragement and career options they have given my daughter. I see them as playing a huge role in her recovery.