Scared all the time ....is this anxiety ??

[Cruiser123]

Can someone please help?

3 years ago I did a really stupid thing a now I am consumed with guilt and paranoia. I took $200 dollars from work and then felt so guilty that night I broke down in tears told my husband and took the money back then next day and put it back. I am 99.9% sure that no one knows as I do the banking. From that day forward I have felt sick with guilt that I was going to be caught and exposed. I every day I think of it and in my mind make up these incredible scenarios about the police raiding my house and me being dragged off and things like that..and I will loose everything, my house, my family etc.

I can.t be happy because I think if i let my guard down thats when it will happen... It effects all parts of my life. Im completely paranoid that there is this huge conspiracy at work to get me even know they never do anything to me.. 

I cant confess or I will be fired and I work for people with a lot of connections and wouldn't be able to get another job because I would be labeled a thief. 

I don't know what to do... I just want to remember what its like to be normal again, I have panic attacks when we are doing family things lik

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Cruiser123,

Thank you for your post and your frankness.

I am a retired NSW Police Sergeant and know the law in NSW. In other states it is mostly the same, just different Acts of Parliament. For example, assault is illegal in all States and Territories but comes under different Acts.

If the Police haven't come to see you after three years, they aren't about to. Even if they knew of this incident and followed it up (highly unlikely three years later) the worst you could expect would be to be asked your attitude to the accusation (you'd have a right to silence) and a summons or Court Attendance Notice to go to Court. No Judge would give out a search warrant to search your house for a matter like this, not just because it is too old, but also because the money was put back (even if it wasn't, money is too common to be searched for, how do you tell one pile of notes from another?). The Police couldn't hope to find the money at your house no matter how many warrants they had, so there will not be a search.

I think the real issue here is your anxiety and paranoia. Maybe go see a doctor and explain to him. You'd probably be able to get a Mental Health Plan for some treatment with a psychologist. You can speak to both without fear of police involvement, they would only notify very serious crimes in certain categories. This isn't one.

Let me know if you go and see your doctor.

Kind regards, John.

[white knight]

Hi Cruiser,

John has the experience and knowledge to answer you best.

And he touched on paranoia.  I've had anxiety really big time, panic attacks included.  It took many years to recover and now it is almost non existent.

During my therapy I was constantly asked "are you being realistic" with my thoughts. I was full of "what if" and "if this happens what will I do" senarios that never did happen in the end. Worry over nothing.

Your guilt is at a high level. Yet, most people do things in their lives that is not legal, be it speeding, minor fraud etc. I'm not endorsing those activities, I'm saying you are human and your guilt got the better of you and you returned the money. No big deal. Good on you for rethinking the act.

When I was 7yo I purchased a sunny boy ice block. The shop owner gave me two pence change instead of one pence (showing my age now)...I kept the extra pence in my pocket for months waiting for one day I'd give it back to him. I never did. It's still with me today, that thought. It is likely part of anxiety disorder.

Johns recommendation to see your Dr and get on a mental health plan is good advice. Time to rid yourself of this guilt, get the act in proper perspective and live your life guilt free.

Take care   Tony WK

[HelenM]

Hi Cruiser,

• I think this incident triggered your mental health problems but I don't think it's necessarily the cause of them. Your mind has made this incident the focus I would say. I am very prone to having a focus when I'm ill although mine changes. What we both have in common though is that we're being unrealistic. When I focus I want to know it's impoosible for my 'problem' to happen. ie if I think I've got cancer, sensible reassurance won't work - I want certaintly; 99.9% isn't good enough. It is highly, highly unlikely that anything negative will come from this. However because things in the future are not 100% I think that any reassurance will not ease things. I have had mental health problems for many years now. What I try to tell myself is this; I am worried about this but I can't stop myself. this is due to my mental health. It's a symptom and not a cause. I don't know if that will help you. I would suggest you see your gp and discuss things with him.   Take care, Helenx

[Prawn]

Hi Cruiser123

It absolutely sucks when you have things in your head and you just cant get them out. I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and paranoia for over for years now and have certainly had it for longer than that. When I was diagnosed I went to a Psychologist and my treatment involved cognitive behavioural therapy which was great. She taught me tactics to 'retrain' my brain so to speak so when that other voice, (as I call it) comes in my head and starts mouthing out things like as you say 'the cops are coming for you' etc. You can literally tell it to shut up. When I first started I had to say it out loud or a loud whisper more like over and over again that works sometimes. If not another thing that really works is the fact vs fiction. Do you know fact? John has just provided you with a wonderful source of solid fact. So what you do now is when that voice pops in and starts saying all these things you now say to it or yourself NO! THAT IS NOT TRUE! I KNOW THE REAL TRUTH! And you remember those facts that John has told you. I really found that cognitive behavioural therapy helped me so much. I still have the little piece of scrap paper that my therapist wrote the main ones down for me in the back of my purse. I don't know if that helps at all.  

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Cruiser123,

You still out there?

John